Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Would you leave this relationship?

56 replies

Andrewsgirl · 02/04/2016 17:40

Fairly heated argument, I made him very angry, and he called me a stupid f**king woman. I have been in a previous emotionally abusive marriage and swore I'd never ever put up with what I did before, I feel like he's crossed a line. My barometer is always now what I'd want for my own daughter and I wouldn't want her to be with a man who spoke to her like that, whatever the argument was about, I don't think any woman should be spoken to like that. Should I just walk away?

OP posts:

Lweji · 02/04/2016 19:01

You didn't cause it. Unless you also call him names.
But you can end it.

Lweji · 02/04/2016 19:02

So, you were supposed to do what he told you to? That's not good either.

BertieBotts · 02/04/2016 19:37

You haven't caused this, lovely. Honestly. It is a common pattern that women who have been abused before tend to find themselves in abusive relationships again but it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. I agree that the Freedom Programme would help break the cycle.

Goingtobeawesome · 02/04/2016 19:40

He won't be ignored or treated like that....but it's okay to treat you like shit?

Iflyaway · 02/04/2016 19:48

he won't be ignored or treated like that.

Tells you all you need to know. A man who wants control.

Run, don't walk!

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 03/04/2016 07:41

Well I ended it . I tried to talk to him and explain I couldn't be with someone that called me names. He thinks I'm being unforgiving and don't live in the real world, in the real world adults have arguments and get angry and do things and say things they don't mean. That the problem is mine because I won't accept his apology and move on. I asked him if he could promise never to call me a name again and he couldn't, unless I promised not to ever make him angry again. He was also upset because in the argument when he was ranting at me about all the things I'd done wrong, I was sarcastic and said to him that he was always mr perfect and never did anything wrong. He asked me if I could promise never to say this to him again and never make him angry, and I said I couldn't promise never to make him angry but if saying he was mr perfect and never did anything wrong upset him then yes I could promise never to say that again. He said I was a better person than him if I could promise that and then walked out and left. I guess that's it, it's over.

OP posts:

hazelisours · 03/04/2016 08:18

Well done for having the courage to calmly stand up to him and point out what is wrong. You did great

Hopefully, if he truly loves you, he will go away and think about what you said and come back with a new respect for you.

Some men (and women) don't know how to articulate themselves in an argument without descending into name calling. They may not be bad people but have never been given the tools during their own upbringing.

Good luck op. You're better off alone if he's not willing to work on that

Goingtobeawesome · 03/04/2016 08:29

Hopefully that is it, it is over.

Real life is not calling people names unless you are an abusive cunt.

DoreenLethal · 03/04/2016 08:32

Good - I am glad this abusive knobhead is gone and out of your life. You deserve someone nicer, who doesn't call you names.

In the real world, people are in relationships where they respect each other. Never forget that.

Lweji · 03/04/2016 10:04

I'm sure he doesn't call his mother or his boss names. Even his friends.

You did well. In the real world you deserve a man who treats you with respect, including in relation to your decision processes.

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 03/04/2016 10:24

He wants to talk, but I've said there's no point because he is positioning it as its sad that I won't consider how what it is that I do to makes him so angry and upset. I don't know what to do. I have this nagging voice in my head now questioning whether what I actually say and how I act and what I do make me deserve to be called these names. Maybe I am actually a selfish btch and a fcking stupid woman, maybe I am a really horrible person.

OP posts:

VoldysGoneMouldy · 03/04/2016 10:29

Stay strong, OP. You've stood up for yourself, you've stuck to your boundaries. Don't let him pick on your insecurities from your past - which is what that voice in the back of your head is.

expatinscotland · 03/04/2016 10:34

'he is positioning it as its sad that I won't consider how what it is that I do to makes him so angry and upset. '

This is classic abuse tactic, making it your fault that he is verbally abusive. You are to blame for his calling you names I'll bet he doesn't call anyone else, gaslighting you and making you doubt yourself. BULLSHIT! Please do the Freedom Programme. Look it up online now so you can find one near you asap.

NO talking. He is still not respecting your boundaries. You say this is it and he's still 'but let's talk, this is sad, if you just didn't make me angry, I wouldn't call you names.

You need to block/delete him. He's abusive.

MorrisZapp · 03/04/2016 10:38

In the unlikely event that you are indeed a horrible person who makes people angry, that's another reason to end the relationship.

Sometimes two people just wind each other up and cannot manage civilised dispute, those people should not be in relationships with each other.

Please ignore this man's attempts to undermine your real feelings. Ultimately, it doesn't even matter who's right or wrong. It's a crap, disfunctional relationship and you are totally right to end it.

Why does he want to be in a relationship with somebody who enrages him? That makes no sense.

Lweji · 03/04/2016 10:40

Just tell him that if you make him that angry, then it's not a good relationship. You just don't belong together.

Basically he is happy with you, just as long as he can keep you in your place.
I wouldn't reply to any messages after telling him it's definitely over.

RiceCrispieTreats · 03/04/2016 13:22

"It's your fault, you made me angry" is the classic abuser's defense.

(they can't be held responsible for their own behaviour, you see...)

Don't doubt yourself: it's NOT your fault. He chooses the words that come out of his own mouth, not you.

RiceCrispieTreats · 03/04/2016 13:22

Now is the time to block and ignore all further contact.

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 03/04/2016 13:35

I know. We've spoken by phone which was a mistake as I feel worse. I told him I wouldn't be in a relationship where someone called me names. He said he couldn't promise not to call me names again in the heat of an arguement, and anyone who could make such a promise was a liar. By actually being truthful with me and telling me he couldn't promise not to call me names he was actually showing me more respect by being truthful. I just don't understand. Why can't he just accept I won't be called these names? Realise it's wrong to do that and accept he's made a mistake. I feel like I'm going completely crazy being drawn into his mad logic even when I know it's not right.

OP posts:

Pocketsaviour · 03/04/2016 13:39

You are not at fault here OP. If you are ending up in a pattern of bring with abusive men, I agree with goddess that the Freedom Programme would be very worthwhile for you. It will help you learn to set boundaries and recognise red flags early on.

Most people learn from their parents what a healthy relationship looks like. However some of us didn't get that and it makes navigating these things really difficult. It's really important to learn as adults what a good relationship should be like.

TheBakeryQueen · 03/04/2016 13:42

www.the-ripple-effect.info/pdf/isitreallyabuse.pdf

TheBakeryQueen · 03/04/2016 13:43

They really do follow a script don't they?

butteredmuffin · 03/04/2016 13:49

I don't think you need to be having this debate with him any more. You have made it clear that you do not want to be in a relationship with someone who calls you names when they get angry. He has said he cannot promise that. He has not even promised to try and stop. What I'm getting from this is that he believes he cannot be held responsible for what he might say or do when he is angry. That is unacceptable. If he can't see where you are coming from on this, he is not going to change.

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 03/04/2016 13:49

That's the mad thing, my parents have a very loving and respectful relationship. I know neither of them would treat each other like this and neither would they treat me or my siblings like this. Why is it that I'm even doubting myself? Why is it that I want to believe him, he's told me I'm making the biggest mistake of my life walking away, and if I really loved him I would be doing this. He keeps telling me we're all human and make mistakes, that I'm looking for something from a man which doesn't exist. That all humans are flawed and I should accept his flaws. I've been here before and the moment my husband called me an idiot over and over again I swore I'd never let a made do that to me again. Why is it so difficult to walk away. Is this just me expecting too much and not being forgiving?

OP posts:

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 03/04/2016 13:52

I meant my ex husband called me an idiot I would never let another man so that to me again.

OP posts:

Lweji · 03/04/2016 13:53

he's told me I'm making the biggest mistake of my life walking away

Because he's such a prize?

More like you are dodging a bullet.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread