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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP just behaved horribly infront of DCs

56 replies

happyclapper · 01/04/2016 01:06

Am so upset don't know what to do. Briefly have been through a hellish 2years with DO but we have come out of it stronger and happier than ever. We are on the last night of our holiday and have been out for the evening. I came back early with the DCs as they were tired and thought DP would appreciate a quiet hour on his own in the pub. Big mistake was forgetting he hadn't eaten before we went out and he had rather alot to drink. He has just literally staggered back woken the DCs up making them cry and been absolutely vile to us all for leaving him on his own.
He has worked really hard entertaining them all week and he thought we could gave all stayed .
I know if doesn't sound much but he was so vile swearing and slamming around.
I think he has fallen asleep in the lounge now but I just don't know what to do in the morning.
Do I play it down and let it blow over to spare the DC's?
I just know I won't even be able to look at him I am so discussed.

OP posts:
RudeElf · 01/04/2016 01:10

Big mistake was forgetting he hadn't eaten before we went out and he had rather alot to drink

That wasnt your mistake pet, it was his.

As was his behaviour.

Do not downplay this! Why on earth would you? First and foremost The children need reassurance from him that he is sorry (very sorry) and that he was very badly behaved and it will never happen again. They need to hear that from him.

How likely that is ti happen will tell you a lot. Certainly enough (for me) to make a decision about whether the relationship continues any further.

NotnowNigel · 01/04/2016 01:12

No don't ignore it. Just because he has behaved live a decent father for a week doesn't excuse his drunken abusive rant at you and your dc tonight.

And why should you need to remember he hasn't eaten and got drunk? Are you his mother? Is he a child you are responsible for?

He deserves being left alone, permanently.

I think you need to decide where your boundaries are. If you don't like being treated like crap then tell him to go. Let him stew for a few weeks and don't take him back unless you really believe he will treat you with respect and fairness.

Original poster
happyclapper · 01/04/2016 01:18

I know you are right but after all we've been through to have something like this end it seems such a waste. Everything has come together for us this last 6 months and the DCs are so happy.
No one is perfect and he is a great Dad usually. He works very hard and would do anything for us but in the very rare occasion he has a drink he just can't take it and old resentments come to the surface.
I only hope he takes it upon himself to apologise in the morning.
Part of me just despises this behaviour though.

OP posts:
RudeElf · 01/04/2016 01:24

I only hope he takes it upon himself to apologise in the morning.

And if he doesnt?

and the DCs are so happy

Were they happy tonight? Or scared?

If this happens when he drinks then he shouldnt be drinking. If he is perfectly lovely the rest of the time then fair enough, but that doesnt mean this should be ignored or forgiven because it is rare. It needs to be addressed because it is an issue. In your shoes i would be insisting he apologise to you and DC and that he gives up drinking.

BirthdayBetty · 01/04/2016 01:28

Great dads don't do that to their children, they were clearly very unhappy tonight Sad

Original poster
happyclapper · 01/04/2016 01:32

The thing is he never goes out with friends as we have moved to a new town so he either just pops to the local for a quick 1 or we go out together but on the rare occasion he has too much I just can't reason with him.
I can't break a family up for something that happens 1% of the time.
But he does need to apologise I know.

OP posts:
crazycatdad · 01/04/2016 01:35

If he is otherwise fine, then I would tell him that his drunken behaviour is unacceptable and you are no longer going to allow him to be around DCs (or you) when he has been drinking. Hopefully he will realise this is a problem that he must fix by no longer getting shitfaced like a silly teenager

parissont · 01/04/2016 01:39

Dh wouldn't dream of going to the pub on his own.

How much is he drinking?

Original poster
happyclapper · 01/04/2016 01:42

I despise him so much right now. He spoils DCs sometimes exhausting himself entertaining them all day and then gets exasperated with them when they behave like spoiled kids!!
I'm not excusing him .... More pointing out where he is going wrong not just today but in general.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyclapper · 01/04/2016 01:45

Parissont.....he will usually have 2 double vodka and tonics and be gone an hour so it's hardly much.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyclapper · 01/04/2016 02:02

Just can't get to sleep now. Just dreading journey home tomorrow with horrible atmosphere. I'll have to act as if everything is ok or it will upset DCs more.
Even if he apologies I will still be fuming.

OP posts:
bittapitta · 01/04/2016 02:39

What's this "after all we've been through" stuff? Relationships shouldn't be hard work or hard won.

Your children will see that you are condoning his behaviour and choosing him over them if you let last night slide. That will be confusing and stick with them.

Original poster
happyclapper · 01/04/2016 03:06

So relationships are easy and don't have to be worked at?
You are right about not condoning his behaviour but I think you will find that whole libraries could be filled with books about how to work at your relationship.
Are you supposed to just walk away when things don't go right?
I would always chose to protect my children before anything else and that means trying to work things out and resolve problems if possible.

OP posts:
leelu66 · 01/04/2016 03:33

An apology without a promise to change behaviour (and stick to it) is meaningless.

For your children's sake you should get a promise that he will never behave like that again.

A drunk man swearing and slamming around is scary enough for an adult to witness. Think how much more scary it is for children to see their father like that. Your children may act like everything is normal (like you) but they won't forget the behaviour and how you dealt with it.

Original poster
happyclapper · 01/04/2016 03:43

I think you are right. I need to show them that it is unacceptable. I think that in the morning he will either be full of remorse or will not remember what happened and then deny it when I tell him what he did. Then I have a big problem!
I will feel like I am traumatising DC further if I ask them to tell him that he scared them and he will say I am manipulating them.

OP posts:
OneFoxNoChickens · 01/04/2016 03:52

How much of the recent effort to get to a better place in your marriage has come from him OP? 50% ? Less I bet. Don't answer on here, just something to think about but I imagine most of the effort has come from you in reality as that is what comes across in your post. It sounds like he is going along with it but barely keeping a lid on his nasty side and there's nothing like alcohol to loosen the tongue/true personality. Please don't make the mistake of thinking everything has been going fine lately without real analysis of what is said and done by him during that time. Has he just been telling you thinks are better or are they actually better IYSWIM. It seems to me that you are being manipulated somewhat and as for taking some of the blame for this because you had not fed him, he's a grown adult not a 2yo. I worry that you are colluding with him in his abuse of you by taking the blame for shit like this. He must have known the kids were tired. Deciding to get pissed cos he felt abandoned is seriously fucked up. Does he always expect to come first?

OneFoxNoChickens · 01/04/2016 04:01

Do not ask your DC to tell their father he upset them, you tell him. You would be putting them in an awful situation to make them do that. Your DH is right about that, it would be pure manipulation on your part.

You do have a big problem and seem in massive denial. Get angry once the DC are out of the way. Get them round to a friends if necessary and go nuclear on him over this. You really do need to find your voice and stand up for your kids and yourself. Even considering using the DC as an intermediary here is wrong headed OP. If you want time away from him (I would. 45 years and the re-assess if it were me) tell him to leave for a while then make it permanent so you can both have some thinking time, or, if he won't go, leave with the DC but one of you has to stop this cycle of abuse and it's not going to be him as it suits him this way.

Original poster
happyclapper · 01/04/2016 04:15

We split up for a short while 3yrs ago. The DC were distraught and we actually hated being apart too as weird as that sounds so he moved back in and worked hard to put things right and we do have a happier relationship.
Our original issues steamed from my basically blocking him out when we had the DC.
All I was interested in was caring for them to the point of barely even having sex for years.
Things came to a head and he left but it made us realise that we did actually want to be together.
I know he has a lot of resentment for the years I blocked him out.
This is what is splitting out now not that I am excusing his behaviour.

OP posts:
Atenco · 01/04/2016 05:47

Oh, unusually I can see the other side of this. In my youth, before I had children, there were a couple of occasions when I drank without having eaten. The very first drink made my forget that I shouldn't drink because I hadn't eaten. A total disaster ensued. Personally I would cut him some slack and tell your children that this is precisely why, when they are adults, they should never drink on an empty stomach.

DoreenLethal · 01/04/2016 06:46

I can't break a family up for something that happens 1% of the time

On average, 1% of the time is one minute of shit every 99 minutes of your life. If you want one minute of shit every 99 minutes then crack on.

Why would he think that kids need to prop him up in the pub, just because he hasn't eaten? If he hasn't eaten, and is in a pub, the most sensible thing to do is to order some food. Or go to a supermarket and buy some food. Or go home and have some food. It was his choice to go drinking on an empty stomach.

He is now blaming his kids for his own behaviour. Good dad huh? I don't think so.

HapShawl · 01/04/2016 06:48

The key part of your post Atenco is "In my youth, before I had children"

Joysmum · 01/04/2016 07:03

From what you've written it looks like a one off type incident, not an ongoing pattern of behaviour. My post is made on that assumption, rather than trying to press you into thinking its abuse.

You speak to him in private so the kids can't hear you both. You tell him that you wanted him to not have to come back early despite the kids needing to, but that he needs to ensure he eats and watches his drink in future because that was not something you're prepared for him to repeat around the kids and that they need an apology and assurance it won't happen again. If it's age appropriate and he's normally great then he can put it as a warning as to what too much drink can do to anyone, even daddy!

If he's a good parent and husband he'll take ownership of this. He made a mistake, we do at times and our insecurities come out with drink. What's important is that he takes ownership and acts in a way so as not to repeat it.

Thattimeofyearagain · 01/04/2016 07:22

My dh hardly drinks either. On his Christmas night out he did shots and came home plastered
The results were hilarious not devastating. If he is spouting bile then it needs to be addressed NOW. Your poor dc Sad

parissont · 01/04/2016 07:35

Reading between the lines you seem to be putting more effort in than he is

I may be very old fashioned but I think going to the pub on your own to drink 4 shots of vodka means you have a bit of an issue with alcohol.

Can you not share a beer round the kitchen table?

Isetan · 01/04/2016 08:44

Before getting back together did you do any work alone and or together in resolving your issues because what it sounds like to me, is that whatever issues you had before were pretty much buried when you got back together. You took the blame for 'pushing him away' and his resentment went underground, reappearing when he's drunk.

Why on earth would you think it appropriate for your children to convince their dad that his behaviour was unacceptable? You witnessed it and therefore know it was scary and unacceptable. How does him being a great H and father square with you fearing telling him that he's hurt you and your children, will result in getting the blame or him developing amnesia. Is that an acceptable dynamic of a healthy relationship?

This is also not a teaching moment about the perils of alcohol, to my knowledge a bottle of vodka has never screamed bile and slammed doors. What this is an opportunity for, is an unreserved apology to you and his children and for him to work on his issues. This behaviour is neither fair or acceptable, so don't let your desire 'not to rock the boat' or guilt from the past, push you to sweep it under the carpet.

The only positive to be gained from this situation is the commitment to resolving the underlying issues and drinking on an empty stomach is not one of them.

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