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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP just behaved horribly infront of DCs

56 replies

happyclapper · 01/04/2016 01:06

Am so upset don't know what to do. Briefly have been through a hellish 2years with DO but we have come out of it stronger and happier than ever. We are on the last night of our holiday and have been out for the evening. I came back early with the DCs as they were tired and thought DP would appreciate a quiet hour on his own in the pub. Big mistake was forgetting he hadn't eaten before we went out and he had rather alot to drink. He has just literally staggered back woken the DCs up making them cry and been absolutely vile to us all for leaving him on his own.
He has worked really hard entertaining them all week and he thought we could gave all stayed .
I know if doesn't sound much but he was so vile swearing and slamming around.
I think he has fallen asleep in the lounge now but I just don't know what to do in the morning.
Do I play it down and let it blow over to spare the DC's?
I just know I won't even be able to look at him I am so discussed.

OP posts:
PeppasNanna · 01/04/2016 09:54

How are you doing this morning Op?

Original poster
happyclapper · 01/04/2016 11:08

Not great. He woke up after sleeping on the sofa and claimed to not remember anything but he clearly does.
We argued and then he left saying he was leaving for a few days which I said was good.
We are at a resort in the UK so he would have to make a complicated journey home not that I care ,
Has left me to pack everything up and make excuses to DCs and s long drive in his car that Im not used to driving.
Then I found him in the coffee shop on the resort. Told him kids wanted to play before we left. He told me to piss off but then followed us to play area where J have just left him to play with them.
God knows what's going to happen next.
I wish he had just left us to get on with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyclapper · 01/04/2016 11:13

We did lots and lots of talking when we got back together over months and really rediscovered each other . You could see people were amazed at how close we became and some seemed even jealous of our new relationship. Not that that means anything but just trying to demonstrate how much we both changed.
His buried anger also stems from things that happened in his childhood. I know it's a cliche but his parents were a real piece of work.
What's do difficult is knowing how happy we can all be as a family then something like this happens.

OP posts:
ptumbi · 01/04/2016 11:16

So... after a skinful last night, he was just going to get behind the wheel and drive you all a long drive home?

A truly great dad Hmm

Original poster
happyclapper · 01/04/2016 11:20

No. After lunch actually. I wish people would not be so sarcastic. He has done some bad things but he puts a million times more effort in with his kids than most Dads I see but he is far from perfect I know.

OP posts:
leelu66 · 01/04/2016 11:21

Then I found him in the coffee shop on the resort. Told him kids wanted to play before we left. He told me to piss off but then followed us to play area where J have just left him to play with them.

So instead of acknowledging what he did, apologising for it and promising it won't happen again, he has denied and told you to 'piss off'.

OP, he has shown you what he is. Believe him.

Are you able to get yourself and DC home safely by yourself?

RedMapleLeaf · 01/04/2016 11:27

I think it must be really difficult for you to feel that people aren't seeing the good in him, and the efforts he goes to. I think though that the difference between a good parent and a bad parent is how they behave when they aren't being great. Everyone can be kind and reliable for 95% of the time. It's how they behave for the other 5% of the time that matters. Looking at his behaviour this last 12 hours, it's just not good enough, for your or the children.

Birthgeek · 01/04/2016 11:27

He's an alcoholic. He's not even sorry. Telling you to piss off when sober, too would be the last straw. A loving relationship is not like this.

Don't psychoanalyse him or make excuses. This is his shit to sort out.

Original poster
happyclapper · 01/04/2016 11:34

I know you are right Redmapkeleaf but do all of you have perfect partners? He is not a bloody alcoholic. He doesn't need or rely on drink.

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 01/04/2016 11:36

He doesn't sound very nice at all.

I would get the kids, get in the car and go home. Leave him to get on with whatever it is he wants to do by himself and use the time to get your legal docs, bank accounts etc sorted. Then file for divorce.

Sorry if I am not saying what you want to hear but he is showing you exactly what kind of person he is and you are seeing something different. He is treating you like crap.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 01/04/2016 11:40

Yeah, nasty drunk men are usually nasty hungover men the next day
If a person gets nasty when they have a drink then they have a responsibility not to have a drink.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/04/2016 11:41

happy people can only comment on the information you've given.

It doesn't mean they're being smug about their 'perfect partners' Hmm

Nobody was going to tell you that it's fine to verbally abuse your family while you're drunk, then tell them to piss off and abandon them.

Birthgeek · 01/04/2016 11:44

Erm, a person with a drink problem is an alcoholic... Read up on it. An alcoholic doesn't have to be defined as someone who drinks daily...

"He had rather alot to drink. He has just literally staggered back woken the DCs up making them cry and been absolutely vile to us all"

"in the very rare occasion he has a drink he just can't take it"

"he either just pops to the local for a quick 1 or we go out together but on the rare occasion he has too much I just can't reason with him."

"I think that in the morning he will either be full of remorse or will not remember what happened and then deny it when I tell him what he did. Then I have a big problem!"

If you really would prefer not to give him that label, you must admit that he has a drink problem, yes?

Or is he so full of remorse and promising to give up alcohol altogether? As he hates how it makes him behave?

PovertyPain · 01/04/2016 11:50

I'd actually have a little sympathy for him if he was an alcoholic, but he just sounds like a selfish arse. If he's abusive when he is drunk then he shouldn't drink. The fact that he would rather have a drink and risk being abusive shows him to be an arse.

I know your say you've talked a lot but that doesn't necessarily mean the problems are resolved. People can promise each other anything, but it's not worth a jot if it's not meant from the heart and head. You sound like you're taking all the blame for the relationship breakdown OP. Be careful you're not becoming a door mat in order to keep him happy.

corythatwas · 01/04/2016 11:50

I should say a couple of things need to happen here:

a) he needs to recognise he has a problem with drink (not the same as being an alcoholic). Sitting alone in the pub and drinking vodka whilst your resentment starts simmering is not a healthy way to behave around alcohol; it is not the same as getting merry at a party. The problem may not be that he is an addict or that he is drinking enough to damage his health; the problem is that he uses drink in a problematic way iyswim. which leads onto

b) his resentment. If he has a residue of resentment from his early life he needs to find a way of treating or dealing with this that does not affect his children. Remember they are going to be teenagers and teenagers require you to be strong and resilient in all sorts of ways. It would be wise to deal with any issues now.

c) setting boundaries. From what you tell me, it sounds as if he tries terribly hard to be a wonderful dad until he starts resenting it and feeling sorry for himself. He needs to find a way of being just wonderful enough not to resent it: to be able to say cheerfully "that's enough, I need a break now". There shouldn't be a reason why an ordinary dad on an ordinary holiday should feel so miserable and resentful that he has to start downing vodkas- presumably you cope without?

d) his relationship to you. I know you said you have been ever so much better, but how much of that is actually about you recognising your problems and sorting them rather than the two of you sorting out your problems? The impression I get is that you are taking on the responsibility for this family's happiness, and that is never going to work. If you are to be together it has to be joint work.

Not saying LTB, just that these are issues that need to be worked through.

leelu66 · 01/04/2016 11:55

I know you are right Redmapkeleaf but do all of you have perfect partners?

Not perfect at all, speaking for myself.

But your DH made your DC cry after coming home drunk and swearing and slamming around. If he is not remorseful, then what could he do next time?

SylviaWrath · 01/04/2016 11:56

but do all of you have perfect partners? He is not a bloody alcoholic. He doesn't need or rely on drink.

It's not really about drinking at all. My DH likes a drink, and sometimes has a bit too much, but he has never been abusive to our children or made them cry. Hes never legged it the next day or told me to piss off like yours.
It's not the drink. It's that he's an asshat.

Birthgeek · 01/04/2016 12:01

An alcoholic is someone who is powerless over alcohol. They do NOT have to be drinking large quantities or even regularly. They don't have to be living in the gutter with liver failure.

But they simply lack the willpower to make good choices with alcohol.

It is just a word. Some people are offended by it. Usually because they are thinking of the more extreme end of the continuum. Potato potarto.

If he CAN discontinue drinking in order to cease his arseish ways then fantastic.

I wonder what he says when OP demands this of him..

RedMapleLeaf · 01/04/2016 12:12

know you are right Redmapkeleaf but do all of you have perfect partners?

Well, some of us are here because we're looking for support with abusive partners or leaving an unhappy relationship. Some of us are single. Some of us have happy and healthy relationships where having too much to drink means sleeping in the next morning (rather than waking the children, being aggressive and scaring everyone).

liletsthepink · 01/04/2016 12:22

Has your DH apologised to you yet? There is a basic level of respect which seems to be missing from your marriage. If your DH isn't capable of showing any remorse for upsetting you and, more importantly, for scaring your DC then he's a nasty piece of work. The least he should do is to promise to never drink alcohol again but I'm guessing he won't agree to that and will continue to minimise his behaviour.

Annarose2014 · 01/04/2016 12:29

OP I don't understand you.

You started a thread and have subsequently downplayed the whole thing.

No-one understands how close you are and what a great dad he is etc.

When his actions over the past couple of days have been that of a complete cunt.

But oh, he had a shit childhood.....Hmm

I can see you just brushing this under the carpet without ever getting an apology. And it'll happen again.

Oh and by the way, "going for a quick one" does not mean "necking down two double vodkas" but you clearly believe that's totally normal so what can anyone say.

BoatyMcBoat · 01/04/2016 12:32

It's not a good outlook, happyclapper. He is in denial that he has a problem - can't handle alcohol is one, but there's at least one more - and you are too.

AntiqueSinger · 01/04/2016 13:01

I think you should insist that he have a course of intense cognitive behavioural therapy either privately or through a referral from the doctor. You say he had a horrible upbringing, and it seems that deep down he tends to dwell and fester on these wrongs. The anger and resentment builds up so every few months, just when things appear to be going fine, it explodes and he turns into a thoroughly unpleasant person (aided by alcohol or not as the case may be). This explains the Jeykll and Hyde persona. Deep down he is hurting.

I also think you need to have a zero tolerance level for things like swearing at each other or swearing in general. It is the first rung on the ladder of spousal disrespect and opens the door to emotional and verbal abuse. Tell him the second he swears at you again you'll walk out or refuse to talk to him. I did this the first few times my DH did this to me. He hasn't done it since.

Draw the line much higher up so it's harder to step over it lower down ifyswim. I do think overall he sounds like a good man. But that doesn't mean it's OK for him to just carry on losing it completely every few months. It will eventually wear your relationship down. You can give him the love and support but he needs to get specialist help.

I hope you can work it out if only for the DCsFlowers

AntiqueSinger · 01/04/2016 13:06

*Sorry I meant leave the room not leave as in leave the house etc

Original poster
happyclapper · 01/04/2016 13:47

Sorry for going missing. Shortly after my last post he apologised to DC. They then all went off playing football as if nothing happened. We are now in car on way home.
I think you have all made a lot of valid points and I know I need to take action.
Will repost when out of car.

OP posts: