DP just behaved horribly infront of DCs

[happyclapper]

Am so upset don't know what to do. Briefly have been through a hellish 2years with DO but we have come out of it stronger and happier than ever. We are on the last night of our holiday and have been out for the evening. I came back early with the DCs as they were tired and thought DP would appreciate a quiet hour on his own in the pub. Big mistake was forgetting he hadn't eaten before we went out and he had rather alot to drink. He has just literally staggered back woken the DCs up making them cry and been absolutely vile to us all for leaving him on his own.
He has worked really hard entertaining them all week and he thought we could gave all stayed .
I know if doesn't sound much but he was so vile swearing and slamming around.
I think he has fallen asleep in the lounge now but I just don't know what to do in the morning.
Do I play it down and let it blow over to spare the DC's?
I just know I won't even be able to look at him I am so discussed.

[corythatwas]

AntiqueSinger, are you sure CBT is really the right way to deal with festering wrongs and a horrible upbringing? CBT has worked brilliantly for dd's anxiety, but it is essentially a set of techniques for focussing away from your problems. I'm wondering if the OPs dh would not be better off with another type of therapy.

[AntiqueSinger]

Cory I found CBT did wonders when confronting really awful experiences I endured as a child and some pretty negligent (I.e. crap) parenting. Some of those experiences involved my parents domestic violence and their violence towards me and other deeper shite. I found CBT helped me learn less destructive coping mechanisms, reduced the fear of the demons returning by talking about them and helped me scrutinise my behaviour and identify triggers which helped me avoid them.

But I'm definitely no expert on all the benefits and methodologies of all the various therapies that are available by any means! I just think that the OPs DH would benefit from a similar analysis and learning better coping mechanisms that are less destructive to him and his family. Drinking is a really bad coping mechanism although understandable given the context.

[NotnowNigel]

Unless you make a stand today he will have got away with treating you like shit.

So your choice is do I make a stand or do I let him think that I'm OK with this (you might moan and nag and give him the cold shoulder but basically life will carry on as normal).

Obviously you don't want to upset your dc, but really if you do not react then you can't be surprised when this happens again. And it will get worse. Whatever made him hold back as much as he did this time, won't be as effective next time.

So my advice? Tell him to go while you have some time to think things over. If he won't, then you leave either on your own or with dc. You MUST set a boundary in your relationship or he WILL do this again.

[corythatwas]

See what you mean, AntiqueSinger; if it's about coping mechanisms that makes perfect sense.

[LuluJakey1]

All on his terms then

[happyclapper]

Well we're home after a very tense depressing journey.
I told him that I am going to my sisters for a couple of days and when I get back I would like him to leave for for a few days and then I am away for 3 days with work so I thought that would give us a good break.
He was upset and I explained how I felt that his behaviour was unacceptable and could not continue. To my surprise he agreed that he found it hard to rink sensibly if he felt pissed off........some progress!
We have laid some ground rules and are going to see how it goes.
Thank you for all your comments. I think I would have just brushed it under the carpet if you hadn't given me a reality check.