So I just asked him to leave...

[Robotgirl]

Hi all
This is hopefully going to be in a nutshell as DD likely to be awake in 4 hours & I don't want to ramble!
Been with boyfriend for just over a year. Recently posted (I think he's a bit of a Bancroft Mr sensitive/victim)
He has never told me he loves me but lots of thoughtful actions (took me away for my birthday last week/surprise restaurant & generous present)
Have always felt like I'm a bit separate from his other life (have only met his group of best friends once in a year)
Told him I loved him & his response was luke warm.
He often tries to analyse our relationship & did just that an hour ago. I was feeling relaxed & happy & he started ranting about how we don't always 'understand each other ' & then the subject of love came up & he went very strange & tried to accuse me of being negative & destructive
I asked him to leave. He left. I feel very calm now.
Not sure if this thread makes any sense... Think I'm just wanting to vent & see if anyone else has experience of actions rather than words when you really want both? And the way partners can turn everything around on you?
I'm really struggling here

If you feel calm and peaceful now, then I think you know you did the right thing. BUT remember that sometimes the emotions hit the next day.

I'd suggest you write down what happened tonight, your feelings about him, the relationship, and the 'distance' he appears to keep from you.

As far as 'actions vs words' I'd say my DH is probably more of an 'action man'. He's not one for grand gestures and is more likely to notice I need petrol and take my car to the station and fill it up than he is to buy me flowers. But he does say he loves me and is affectionate. So his 'deeds' are backed up with words.

You have been together a year but he isn't introducing you to his friends and is picking arguments. Yet he makes nice gestures, so you are confused. I think going your separate ways is probably best as he doesn't really sound committed and you are fed up already.

If he's allowed to verbally analyse your relationship but you can't talk about love then it's not fair / right. He doesn't have to be ready to say he's in love, or even be in love, but you should be able to talk about it. Especially if he is starting a conversation about your relationship and feelings.

It's great you feel calm in your decision right now. Maybe contact some friends for support in the morning?

Thanks for replying in the wee hours!
I'm feeling exhausted
Just emailed him to say how frustrated I feel.
For me, it's like holding down my emotions & not having the freedom to express myself in case he rejects me or doesn't feel the same, & that's doing my head in!
I'm nearly 40 ffs !

Don't waste your valuable time emailing him!

You've already identified that he shares traits of an abusive character.

But look, even if he was nice... It's been a year and he doesn't say he loves you. Because he doesn't. Don't listen to any bollocks about some people finding it hard to say, that's their problem (and is anyway just a cover).

After a year, if he doesn't love you (he doesn't) don't waste your time of your daughter's with him.

MOVE ON

Cabrinha
Thanks for your post
That's what I needed to read
This bit;

Don't listen to any bollocks about some people finding it hard to say, that's their problem (and is anyway just a cover).

Can you elaborate?

Just that, in my opinion, if you love someone - it's not hard to say it.
OK, some people say it 10x a day, other people are more 'special occasion' with it - but they say it.
This man hasn't said it for a reason - probably two.

Firstly because he doesn't. Secondly because he KNOWS it's a way of hurting you and having power - the power to say it or not.

Sadly, any arsehole can say it and not mean it. But if you love someone, it is easy. And even if you're not someone who says it all the time - if you love someone and know they want to hear it, you'll say it for them. None of the shit you had from him getting funny about a conversation about love.

You've done the right thing telling him to go

Fucking hell
I feel so stupid
I feel so sad about all of this too because, Cabrinha, I totally know you're right
He's coming over later to talk...
I feel sick

He's just texted me to say he's making some notes to bring with him when he comes over later
NOTES? Is it a job interview?
Do you need notes to tell someone how u feel?

Serious question: do you know that you can say no?

Also you said about actions not words.
OK, I'm a big believer in love is a verb, loving actions.
But the one example you gave just sounded like being flash with money to me. Anyone can buy a present.

If you're going to read anything today, I'd say make it more Bancroft instead of his fucking notes!

Are you absolutely sure that he doesn't have AS? My DH sounds a bit like him (only minus the lovely surprises). He really can't say "I love you* unless asked and he has no idea how to be romantic. It all completely goes over his head. Doesn't mean he doesn't care though...I think. He also gets very defensive if he feels he is being attacked and will turn it around on me, as a defense to make me shut up.

The meeting the friends bit might be a red herring, I don't mix with DH's friends either, we mix with mine.

Oh good god woman!

A relationship isn't like this! Why the angst? Why the hand wringing? The turmoil? The NOTES?! WTF? Is he attending is companies AGM?

Look, if he's making notes and wants Indepth discussions about .... Err what exactly?! then just get rid. You're analysing him too - what made you decide he was a character in the Bancroft book? You're obviously not happy, he's. It happy, you've a daughter to think about so just firmly draw a nice line under this and find a decent chap where is all just easy

You finished with him last night so why see home to talk it over today? I can guarantee he will talk you round and in a few weeks you'll be posting here asking why your boyfriend never says he loves you.

YY to the PP who said about her petrol being topped up.
A loving action to me is not simply being bought something on an obvious day like a birthday.
It's my boyfriend scraping my car in the morning, choosing the film he knows I want, offering to cook when I said I would cos I just said I had a busy day, magically having the drink I prefer the next date after I've mentioned it in passing, offering to pick my child up from school when I'm late... Any idiot can buy a present.

Notes? Will these notes be chapter and verse about how you are wrong and he is right? Really?

TBH I'd probably tell him not to bother.

There's a world of difference between keeping it between the two of you when it's all new and you just want to enjoy it before everyone gets to know and keeping it as some hole-in-corner secret a year later.

Cut him off and don't let yourself in for someone else's power trip.

Hi Buzzard

He also gets very defensive if he feels he is being attacked and will turn it around on me, as a defense
Yep he does this....

Notes

If you are happier now he has left then finish it. If you want to work it out then let him take notes

Serious question: do you know that you can say no?

I said 'no' last September & ended it all

He emailed beautiful emails saying he was falling in love with me, blah blah said all the right things & after 3 weeks NC we got back together

Now I feel like a have no fucking idea what to do but it sure is brilliant reading everyone's posts. Thanks you

Matilda, didn't finish it, just asked him to leave & go home coz wanted to be on my own

Yes, tell him to bugger off! He sounds unhinged!

Oh so he can say it when he wants to control you?

Bin him off, he will not magically transform into the man you want him to be. And you've already shown you can make-do with a few occasional scraps to keep you in line.

You don't need this headfuckery. You don't need him. And you don't need to be controlled.

Hmm, so he can be emotional (e-mails) when it suits him?

I think this is all too angsty for a newish relationship.

You sound like you are happier without him and are only with him because it's what he wants?

This is all I can think about....

This man hasn't said it for a reason - probably two.

Firstly because he doesn't. Secondly because he KNOWS it's a way of hurting you and having power - the power to say it or not.

Tell him to stick his notes up his arse and that YOU have decided that the relationship is finished.