So I just asked him to leave...

[Robotgirl]

Hi all
This is hopefully going to be in a nutshell as DD likely to be awake in 4 hours & I don't want to ramble!
Been with boyfriend for just over a year. Recently posted (I think he's a bit of a Bancroft Mr sensitive/victim)
He has never told me he loves me but lots of thoughtful actions (took me away for my birthday last week/surprise restaurant & generous present)
Have always felt like I'm a bit separate from his other life (have only met his group of best friends once in a year)
Told him I loved him & his response was luke warm.
He often tries to analyse our relationship & did just that an hour ago. I was feeling relaxed & happy & he started ranting about how we don't always 'understand each other ' & then the subject of love came up & he went very strange & tried to accuse me of being negative & destructive
I asked him to leave. He left. I feel very calm now.
Not sure if this thread makes any sense... Think I'm just wanting to vent & see if anyone else has experience of actions rather than words when you really want both? And the way partners can turn everything around on you?
I'm really struggling here

What could he possibly say "from the heart" without notes or from memorised notes that would make you say, hey great you are the perfect man for me!

Why even let him through the door?

To be fair Cabrinha, I said my comment before the post about his e-mails , and then I changed my opinion.

Last September he promised to change, so you gave him another chance. Nothing changed. What's he going to promise this time, and what's the betting it won't happen?

I'm just wondering how the notes are going.

OP any news

"Whataloadof I said that IMO this man was withholding "I love you" for power. Not that you do. It's not about you"
Jeez, I know it's not about me! I answered because you said "Don't listen to any bollocks about some people finding it hard to say, that's their problem (and is anyway just a cover)." Well, I am "some people" who don't say I love you and I'm not an abuser, so it's not black and white like you make out. OP shouldn't just have one viewpoint on this.

You also said "in my opinion, if you love someone - it's not hard to say it." and I was expressing how it's not always the case. I am one person, probably among many, who finds it hard to say even if I feel it.
And "Sadly, any arsehole can say it and not mean it. But if you love someone, it is easy." Again, I was pointing out that for some people that isn't the case, it isn't easy.

I would not see him for a week and take some time out

If you are happy to end it, so be it

You have only been together for a year

Make a clean break and a fresh start

He's a classic mind fucker. Nothing to save here. Repeat, 'This doesn't work anymore. We are finished. ' over and over and over.

The last few days have been in-sanely hectic. I've been head-first in my work & with my DD.
Thanks so much for every single post & the support/advice/yr experiences.
Update; he came over (without notes)
We talked. He listened & he didn't list all my bad points as I (& others) thought he would. We spent a couple of hours together & he went home. Haven't seen him since. A few texts. Spoke on the phone.
I have taken a big step back & am putting energy into other things more than before. I haven't ended it but I have said that things have to change & that I'm not fucking around. He told me he really loves me & 'thought it was obvious' in his actions. We agreed our communication has been pretty poor over recent months.
I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. Who knows if this is right or not. Time will tell. I feel very strong & completely ready to bid farewell if things turn sour again.

I think that's a good update. As long as you know that you're ready to walk away if he's not fulfilling your needs as a partner (and vice versa, of course) then giving the benefit of the doubt shouldn't be a problem. Just keep things uncomplicated and un-entwined.

"Hope for the best, prepare for the worst"

Good luck.

Thanks Acrossthepond
I'm aware that the MN majority was advising get rid of him & totally hear what everyone said even if I didn't action....There's something making me want to just hang on & see..

So glad there was no list of your shortcomings :) I too think this sounds promising. All the best.

Do what you feel is right.

It may go from strength to strength, it may fizzle out. At least you're communicating, and I hope he communicates with you too in future.

Robot I think in situations where a couple isn't living together, there's no abuse or cheating, and finances don't play a part giving the benefit of the doubt isn't really problematic. Either party can simply say 'Nope, this isn't working' and walk away with no problem, no ties to undo, and never have to see that person again.

Obviously if someone is being abused, cheated on, or financially taken advantage of I'd be more likely to say LTB!

Just remember how you're feeling now, and when you first posted., OK? Remember the line you drew in the sand and what would happen if he screws up again.

Across is right: as you're not living together or too thoroughly enmeshed, dropping hands won't be too much of a hassle, so your easing up for a bit should suffice for the moment. You're there, we're not, and you can judge whether your needs are being met.

But. Just Remember. OK? If (when, as you can tell many of us believe) he screws up again, remember your values. And sure as feck don't let any grand gesture on his part get you enmeshed further, or allow him to share the blame.

Look after yourself.