So I just asked him to leave...

[Robotgirl]

Hi all
This is hopefully going to be in a nutshell as DD likely to be awake in 4 hours & I don't want to ramble!
Been with boyfriend for just over a year. Recently posted (I think he's a bit of a Bancroft Mr sensitive/victim)
He has never told me he loves me but lots of thoughtful actions (took me away for my birthday last week/surprise restaurant & generous present)
Have always felt like I'm a bit separate from his other life (have only met his group of best friends once in a year)
Told him I loved him & his response was luke warm.
He often tries to analyse our relationship & did just that an hour ago. I was feeling relaxed & happy & he started ranting about how we don't always 'understand each other ' & then the subject of love came up & he went very strange & tried to accuse me of being negative & destructive
I asked him to leave. He left. I feel very calm now.
Not sure if this thread makes any sense... Think I'm just wanting to vent & see if anyone else has experience of actions rather than words when you really want both? And the way partners can turn everything around on you?
I'm really struggling here

I bet you a Mars bar that the notes are a list of all the good things he's done for you and how you don't appreciate him enough.

And maybe all the bad ways you treat him / list of how you have failed to be the perfect girlfriend

If so , please don't get upset or argue . Just listen to him say his piece , then ask him to go and leave the notes so that you can read them carefully later.

Then when hes left , burn the notes without reading them. Don't put them in the bin in case you are tempted to get them out later and read them.

Send him a text to tell him it's over , pour yourself a glass of wine , open a box of chocolates and put on a box set . Or invite a friend round with a carry out .

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Get out now before you end up married and wondering why you allowed it to happen.

All of you-thanks for spelling it out. You have no idea how much you are helping.
Everyone thinks he's the dogs bollocks. Including my dog
I can't believe he's bringing notes.
Am I dreaming all this?

I wonder if he is like a bf I had whose mother put him on a pedestal and couldn't understand that anyone would find fault with him.

If you feel it's over tell him not to come over later. And tell his 'notes' to fuck off. That is weird behaviour.

Tell him you've changed your mind and you don't want him to come. It's a lovely day, go and do something nice instead.

Just gonna add
After 4 months together, had the 'are we girlfriend & boyfriend' chat which I instigated of course, & he did a similar thing-went luke warm, said he wasn't ready to commit & that the term BF/GF sounded too possessive.
And made me feel terrible for suggesting such a thing might be appropriate.

It's some kind of power trip for him - he's only interested when you're backing off . Unless you want to be dangled on an emotional leash, bin him and block him.

Just texted him & asked him not to bring notes. Told him I want him to speak straight from the heart cos I don't believe he ever has.

Power trip !!! Run for the hills

Think you are making a mistake Robot.

You know that you are on a hiding to nowhere with him?

Floral fondant

You're analysing him too - what made you decide he was a character in the Bancroft book?

Because he's sooooo Mr sensitive

The notes would have been a list of reasons you are crap. Been there, done that, got the tear stained T shirt! You can always change the mind of a dog. Dried liver treats and a few intensive hours of training is all

Go back and read your own previous threads. Try to pretend they're written by someone else. You really are on a hiding to nothing here

To the previous poster who mentioned AS: he's able to express his emotions pretty clearly in lengthy emails when he's berating the OP! So no, let's not roll out that excuse - he'll invent enough of his own, and OP will invent some more for him.

Interesting (from previous thread) that it was his ex who was supposedly abusive and now refuses mediation and will communicate only via a book. Sounds like she had one too many of his note bringing sessions

Ah yes. Previous threads, Cabrinha.
He'll be round with his notebook in a bit.

Why?
You told him not to bring it.

(should have told him to shove it up his arse)

Give him a red pen on arrival.
Tell him to take a few minutes to underline anything that's not a pathetic excuse from him, or a complaint about you.

Why?
You told him not to bring it

Yeah bet he'll still bring it tho

Loving the red pen idea

Can u get gold stars for good behaviour

Why?
Do you not see that I'm half making a joke (because him bringing noted deserves to be laughed at) and half making a serious point that once he crosses out the pathetic excuses and the complaints - there'll be nothing left.

Look, he's an arsehole. I'm sure his ex would have an interesting amount to say!

You got rid of him once, then you made a mistake when you got lonely.

Text him "don't come over, going over and over this isn't going to help anyone, this doesn't work for me."

Then stop sending him emails. And go back to enjoying the peace and calm though.

I am not against notes. Many times I have come away from a conversation having forgotten to raise something, and only realised later. So yes, I do jot notes down sometimes before an important conversation.

But I too bet that in this case, it's a list of your shortcomings.

Mr Nice Guy, Passive Aggressive, Fear of Intimacy - will keep you at arms length until you move away (he is losing control) then will run after you, reel you in again to a nice safe punching distance.

Step aside he is a cunt in sheep clothing.....

I totally disagree with Cabrinha regarding not saying I love you. I can feel love yet find saying "I love you" excrutiatingly awkward to the point it sticks in my throat and won't come out. I don't not say it as "a way of hurting" my partners or "having power" over them. It can also make me feel rather vulnerable and nothing worse than saying "I love you" and getting a lukewarm response, so I far prefer going by actions rather than words.

"I am not against notes. Many times I have come away from a conversation having forgotten to raise something, and only realised later. So yes, I do jot notes down sometimes before an important conversation."

Same here. I'm not against notes either if used as an aide memoire when having a serious conversation about the relationship. It doesn't need to be a bullet point list of the other person's character flaws!

Whataloadof I said that IMO this man was withholding "I love you" for power. Not that you do
It's not about you, it's about the OP's boyfriend who sounds like a dick and has behaviour that the OP has found similar to an abuser profile.

You know, you could totally take the power right back here, and just tell him not to bother. This is not going to change into the relationship you want; he's literally wasting your time.