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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I leave?

34 replies

PassTheWench · 04/03/2016 19:26

I don't know what to do, dp seems to spend every conversation talking to me like I'm an idiot. He keeps saying I 'always' do this and that but it's not true. I'm finding it all so draining. He seems to be always shouting and really aggressive even if I'm holding our baby. It's got worse since I've given birth and he doesn't seem to respect me now I'm on maternity leave even though I'm paying for myself. I don't have a job to go back to because of temp work but he says I best find one as he won't have me 'sitting on my arse all day' ( I do all of the housework, cooking, washing up and looking after the baby. He literally just holds her while I make his dinner. I ask him to do more and he gets angry). What should I do? Should I leave? He been verbally abusive throughout our relationship but it has got worse recently.

(We have a young baby of 9 months and have been together around 11 years. )

Thanks

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 04/03/2016 19:29

Why is he angry? Would you have counselling?
From what I read, leaving sounds sensible.

Duckdeamon · 04/03/2016 19:32

Yes, leave. He is abusive: verbally and (it sounds) financially.

Some abusive men begin or step it up when their partner is pregnant or has a baby.

Duckdeamon · 04/03/2016 19:33

Couples' counselling is not recommended in cases of abuse but you could seek help from yourself from your GP, family centre or a womens' organisation.

He has ALWAYS been abusive in your relationship: that won't change and it is now escalating. You can have a much better life without him.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2016 19:35

Yes, leave. This piece of shit doesn't deserve a family

Original poster
PassTheWench · 04/03/2016 19:35

It's something he admits he has a problem with (although only in the past sense rather than in our arguments). He has a very quick temper and winds up from nothing to full anger in seconds.

He wouldn't see any one about our problems. His answer is always that it is my fault and I shouldn't wind him up. He won't admit any responsibility for anything.

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 04/03/2016 19:35

Perhaps the question should be why would you stay ?

Men like your dp often ramp up the abusive behaviour following the birth of the first child. The physical abuse is more likely to rear it's head at this point as well.

How is he aggressive to you when you are holding the baby ? You need to protect yourself and your child.

Have you confided in any of your family or friends ?

jayho · 04/03/2016 19:37

Abuse escalates during pregnancy and in the early days of motherhood because you are vulnerable and the twat thinks you haven't got the ability to go it alone.

Walk

Actually, run.

nicenewdusters · 04/03/2016 19:38

How likely is it that everything is your fault, that you always wind him up and that he is not responsible for anything ? He sounds totally horrible.

Duckdeamon · 04/03/2016 19:39

You know what you need to do: help is out there.

Original poster
PassTheWench · 04/03/2016 19:40

What about the baby though? Should I hold on for her? I don't want to split our family and leaving him would leave us homeless. My mum would probably house us for a while though. I'm just so sad it's come to this. It's like he hates me sometimes.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 04/03/2016 19:45

Your child will have better neurological development without shouting. Your baby will grow up with better self esteem if you leave, rather than witnessing you tolerate abuse. Hanging in for the kids is actually more damaging than handling a break up.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2016 19:45

He probably hates himself more. No excuse to take it out on you though

jayho · 04/03/2016 19:46

You should leave for the baby, he does hate you, it will get worse.

sorry to be so blunt.

Get out while you can, before he wears you down, while you have the insight to realise that this is wrong, before your daughter sees his behaviour as normal.

DoMeDon · 04/03/2016 19:47

Fwiw it is very sad when it doesn't work. Lots of feelings of grief and failure for not achieving the dream. These are not reasons to stay.

SuckingEggs · 04/03/2016 19:47

Hold on to what? What would you do if she grows up and finds herself treated the way you're being treated?

Original poster
PassTheWench · 04/03/2016 19:47

Thank you everyone.

nicenewdusters he gets in my face and swears at me whilst holding the baby. It's like it doesn't matter if she is there. I've also heard him swear at her which concerns me more than the anger at me.

OP posts:
SuckingEggs · 04/03/2016 19:50

He swears at her?? The utter piece if shit.

Run!

SuckingEggs · 04/03/2016 19:50

*of

Original poster
PassTheWench · 04/03/2016 19:52

I know you are all right. I'm just scared to make the move. All we do is argue now though so it's not good. I'll speak to him tomorrow when he has come back from his mates. Thanks guys.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 04/03/2016 19:59

Get all your ducks In a row while he's gone op. Get anything precious or important, documents, passports, birth certificates, sentimental items and take them to your mums or a friends tonight because chances are once you leave you won't get them back. But please leave he is dangerous. And do not underestimate that danger.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2016 19:59

What is there to speak about ?

He won't stop abusing your child because you have a talk to him.

goddessofsmallthings · 04/03/2016 20:01

What about the baby though? Should I hold on for her?

Hold on to what for her? Do you want her to witness the way her father talks to you? Do you want her to grow up believing that she's not worthy of respect and should accept men treating her as if she's dirt beneath their shoes?

He won't confine his agression to you and it's merely a matter of time before he starts shouting at your dd.

Please make contact with your nearest branch of Women's Aid who can help you to leave safely and please don't hesitate to call the police if you have reason to feel scared of, or intimidated by, him regardless of whether you're holding the baby when he kicks off.

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

DoMeDon · 04/03/2016 20:03

It takes time to get your head round it, get professional help. Look at your dd and remember it's for her when you leave, you can do it.

ILikeUranus · 04/03/2016 20:03

he gets in my face and swears at me whilst holding the baby. It's like it doesn't matter if she is there. I've also heard him swear at her which concerns me more than the anger at me.
Um... don't stay for the baby! Poor you OP, he sounds like a complete cunt.

Duckdeamon · 04/03/2016 20:05

Don't speak to him: start preparing your exit (documents etc), work out where to go, wait til he's not there for many hours and then go. You can speak to him by phone a good while later, from somewhere safe.