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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Should I leave?

34 replies

PassTheWench · 04/03/2016 19:26

I don't know what to do, dp seems to spend every conversation talking to me like I'm an idiot. He keeps saying I 'always' do this and that but it's not true. I'm finding it all so draining. He seems to be always shouting and really aggressive even if I'm holding our baby. It's got worse since I've given birth and he doesn't seem to respect me now I'm on maternity leave even though I'm paying for myself. I don't have a job to go back to because of temp work but he says I best find one as he won't have me 'sitting on my arse all day' ( I do all of the housework, cooking, washing up and looking after the baby. He literally just holds her while I make his dinner. I ask him to do more and he gets angry). What should I do? Should I leave? He been verbally abusive throughout our relationship but it has got worse recently.

(We have a young baby of 9 months and have been together around 11 years. )

Thanks

OP posts:

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Duckdeamon · 05/03/2016 06:46

Please tell your GP or health visitor about the abuse and that he has sworn at your daughter. They can help and it will be on the record.

It's very unlikely he'll go for 50/50, and you can get legal advice.

You have many years ahead with your lovely DC: don't spend them being abused and unsafe.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 04/03/2016 20:24

Don't stay for your daughter, leave for her!

grounddown · 04/03/2016 20:23

I left a man like your partner, very similar. I got amazing advice on here as I was also very worried about splitting the family up and disrupting my children.
I put money aside for about 6 months then rented a house behind his back and moved out one day whilst he was at work. My DC were 9 months and 2.

That was 2.5 years ago, I am so glad I left and have never regretted bettering my children's lives. He sees the DC regularly now and to be honest his company is now bearable.
You absolutely don't need to accept his behaviour.

ILikeUranus · 04/03/2016 20:21

I doubt very, very much he'd get 50%, or even ask for it, as the baby is so young. If he asked for it, and you didn't agree, he'd have to take you to court, and the court would probably decide that wasn't in the baby's best interest at present. Go and see a family solicitor ASAP - a lot of them will do an initial half hour free (and you can see however many you want to check the general consensus of advice if you want to be really confident before telling him to sling his hook. Good luck.

owlingabout · 04/03/2016 20:20

Please leave you will rebuild your life and will be asking yourself how you ever put up with this. Big step but you will start to feel better as soon as you have made the move. Take care and make use of all the help out there, family Wonens Aid

Marchate · 04/03/2016 20:19

If he were to get 50% access, it would still be better than the 100% access he has now

He is ruining your life; he is ruining your daughter's life. Don't discuss anything with him. Go to your mum's

He is zero help, actually a hindrance

DoMeDon · 04/03/2016 20:12

That's awful Pass, his view of women will damage you and your dd.
He's clearly messed up.

PassTheWench · 04/03/2016 20:11

He is charming to everyone outside of the family.

OP posts:

PassTheWench · 04/03/2016 20:08

I know, but if I leave won't he get 50% access? That scares me as the verbal abuse and temper is just something I and his closest family know. His mates have seen it once when he shouted at me when hostile and drunk 'birds are just a pussy to fuck, who wants to hear the shit that comes out of their mouths' but would stick up for him as he is 'one of the lads'. I don't know why I am still with him. I don't regret my daughter though, she is the best thing that happened to me.

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 04/03/2016 20:05

Don't speak to him: start preparing your exit (documents etc), work out where to go, wait til he's not there for many hours and then go. You can speak to him by phone a good while later, from somewhere safe.

ILikeUranus · 04/03/2016 20:03

he gets in my face and swears at me whilst holding the baby. It's like it doesn't matter if she is there. I've also heard him swear at her which concerns me more than the anger at me.
Um... don't stay for the baby! Poor you OP, he sounds like a complete cunt.

DoMeDon · 04/03/2016 20:03

It takes time to get your head round it, get professional help. Look at your dd and remember it's for her when you leave, you can do it.

goddessofsmallthings · 04/03/2016 20:01

What about the baby though? Should I hold on for her?

Hold on to what for her? Do you want her to witness the way her father talks to you? Do you want her to grow up believing that she's not worthy of respect and should accept men treating her as if she's dirt beneath their shoes?

He won't confine his agression to you and it's merely a matter of time before he starts shouting at your dd.

Please make contact with your nearest branch of Women's Aid who can help you to leave safely and please don't hesitate to call the police if you have reason to feel scared of, or intimidated by, him regardless of whether you're holding the baby when he kicks off.

//www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

AnyFucker · 04/03/2016 19:59

What is there to speak about ?

He won't stop abusing your child because you have a talk to him.

Fishface77 · 04/03/2016 19:59

Get all your ducks In a row while he's gone op. Get anything precious or important, documents, passports, birth certificates, sentimental items and take them to your mums or a friends tonight because chances are once you leave you won't get them back. But please leave he is dangerous. And do not underestimate that danger.

PassTheWench · 04/03/2016 19:52

I know you are all right. I'm just scared to make the move. All we do is argue now though so it's not good. I'll speak to him tomorrow when he has come back from his mates. Thanks guys.

OP posts:

SuckingEggs · 04/03/2016 19:50

*of

SuckingEggs · 04/03/2016 19:50

He swears at her?? The utter piece if shit.

Run!

PassTheWench · 04/03/2016 19:47

Thank you everyone.

nicenewdusters he gets in my face and swears at me whilst holding the baby. It's like it doesn't matter if she is there. I've also heard him swear at her which concerns me more than the anger at me.

OP posts:

SuckingEggs · 04/03/2016 19:47

Hold on to what? What would you do if she grows up and finds herself treated the way you're being treated?

DoMeDon · 04/03/2016 19:47

Fwiw it is very sad when it doesn't work. Lots of feelings of grief and failure for not achieving the dream. These are not reasons to stay.

jayho · 04/03/2016 19:46

You should leave for the baby, he does hate you, it will get worse.

sorry to be so blunt.

Get out while you can, before he wears you down, while you have the insight to realise that this is wrong, before your daughter sees his behaviour as normal.

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AnyFucker · 04/03/2016 19:45

He probably hates himself more. No excuse to take it out on you though

DoMeDon · 04/03/2016 19:45

Your child will have better neurological development without shouting. Your baby will grow up with better self esteem if you leave, rather than witnessing you tolerate abuse. Hanging in for the kids is actually more damaging than handling a break up.

PassTheWench · 04/03/2016 19:40

What about the baby though? Should I hold on for her? I don't want to split our family and leaving him would leave us homeless. My mum would probably house us for a while though. I'm just so sad it's come to this. It's like he hates me sometimes.

OP posts:

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