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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you make a final decision

55 replies

Ramble · 15/02/2016 21:30

So, life with my DH isn't great, no sex for years and we pretty much only talk about child and house stuff. Don't do anything together ( he doesn't do much anyway other than go to work, I work and do loads on top of that).
Can't help but feel
I've is too short. Child is almost of an age...
Feel like we are separate but still living in the same house, if I said it was over and we had to live in the house together until a divorce I really can't see how different it would be...other than he would get nasty I think.

Not sure what to do, not sure how to make that final decision ( the problems have been there for years, probably since day one truth be told).

OP posts:
Iwantmymaidennameback · 15/02/2016 21:35

I can't offer advice OP as I am in pretty much same situation and making a complete fuck up of it. I know how hard it is. However, I can offer you a Wine and I know someone wiser than me will be along soon.

Original poster
Ramble · 15/02/2016 21:37

Ahhh your name! Me too. Totally.
It's not fun at all is it? Which probably answers the question.

OP posts:
Marchate · 15/02/2016 21:39

He would get nasty? Is that always bubbling under the surface?

Oasis888 · 15/02/2016 21:43

I separated from my husband just over a year ago at 40. I imagined how I might feel still married to him for another 40 years and felt really panicked that I would have spent the rest of my life with the wrong man. That made me leave and I know it was the right decision.

Original poster
Ramble · 15/02/2016 22:02

Marchate, only verbally, never physical. He has some anger issues which are only currently under control because I'm refusing to argue...it does however mean we barely speak.
Oasis88, yes those thoughts have occurred to me too...its just making that final break. I don't want to hurt everyone.

OP posts:
bb888 · 15/02/2016 22:46

For me it was realising that I would rather be single forever than stay with my husband. Then I had time spent worrying about my children and 'staying together for them'. Eventually I realised that I was not setting them a good example of the kind of relationship I would want them to expect fro themselves, and so knew I had to end it.
Its actually been far better than I thought it would be, because very quickly it was clear to me that the children were happier, so my major source of concern had been entirely baseless.

Original poster
Ramble · 16/02/2016 19:21

Bb888 thank you that's good to know, I'm glad things are working out well for you.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 16/02/2016 19:28

I don't want to hurt everyone.

But surely everyone's hurting now?

You're unhappy
He must be unhappy
Your DC is absorbing damaging lessons

Original poster
Ramble · 16/02/2016 19:33

Yes. True.
Perhaps I'm just frightened about it being worse if we split...or hoping that one day I will wake up happy

OP posts:
Fettuccinecarbonara · 16/02/2016 19:38

Can you imagine your life without him? Forever without him? How would you feel if you saw him in a bar with another woman a year down the line?

Those questions helped me reach my decision when I was wondering if I wanted a life by myself or to work at marriage.

I'm not going to say the single life is easy. Financially it's been hard. But never to hear exh yelling at the kids, making me tense up inside has been wonderful.

Original poster
Ramble · 16/02/2016 19:52

I think I would be happy if he found someone else in all honesty. I'd like him to be happy but don't think I'm the right person to do it...but then I feel bad thinking that and think maybe I should make more effort.

OP posts:
bb888 · 16/02/2016 20:04

I think that being happy if they would meet someone else is a powerful sign that its over.

Cerealchanger · 16/02/2016 20:05

I thought about how I would feel if it was my daughter in the same position and the advice that I would give her.
I also thought that if I waited until my youngest turned 18 I'd look back on my life and think it was such a waste.
And it is such a waste, really it is. You owe it to yourself to have a chance to meet someone special. And even if you don't at least you gave yourself a chance. I would rather be single every day of my life than waste one more second on a boring, mediocre relationship. I am out the other side now and it's awesome!

Fettuccinecarbonara · 16/02/2016 20:08

If you'd be happy if he found someone else then I think the decision is already made!

How old are is your child/ren? They probably know more than you would have guessed

Flowers it's not an easy decision

bb888 · 16/02/2016 20:14

I am out the other side now and it's awesome!

I know exactly what you mean. It feels a bit like being at the top of a cliff and going to the edge a millions times and wondering whether to jump, but worrying what will be on the other side, and then finally one day you do jump and you land in lovely tropical water and there are coral reefs and cute colourful fish and it all feels amazing Smile

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 16/02/2016 20:37

It's very hard to decide and pretty hard to do (particularly if you then have to live in the same house whilst you sort things out-two and a half years for me). But after a year of trying to make it work it got to the point where I just died a bit inside every time I thought about getting old and still being that miserable. exh and I didn't get on badly but there was no spark (married young, two DD's close together) and it was like living with a flat mate and an annoying one at that as obviously as my h he had more say in my affairs than your average flat mate would! (He then had an allegedly EA only affair with a work colleague) My own fairly non reaction to that, (after the Initial sort of outrage etc) told me that it was never going to work).I wasn't as bothered as I should have been iyswim?
It's early days but so far our Dd's have been amazing and it's been largely amicable (after an awful couple of months when I first told him, and then also the last few weeks we were all living together were dire). Things are ok with us now-ish. Touch wood anyway.we still hang out all four of us sometimes and it's ok.
Do I sometimes regret it? Kind of-financially things are far harder.my parents have been very disapproving which has damaged that relationship badly-and I've lost some friends which is sad.But I feel a million times lighter and I'm really hopeful I will be happier in the long run (and hopefully so will he-he deserves a wife that loves him in a way I didn't)

Original poster
Ramble · 17/02/2016 18:30

Thanks all. It's so hard isn't it? Knowing other people's stories does really help though. I just feel so bad as it would be me driving it ( although wouldn't come as a surprise I don't think).
So hard.

OP posts:
madamehooch · 17/02/2016 19:52

I'm currently 6 weeks in to being on the other side of this situation. 6 weeks ago my DH left home to live with his parents. There is no one else, he has been diagnosed with depression and he leaves behind a wife of 24 years and 1DD - 16 .

Apparently, he isn't happy with his life. He says it's not me (apparently I'm "wonderful"!). He can't tell me what the problem is and he wants me to be happy. I've never been more unhappy in my life.

What makes me mad is that he never told me what the problem was and therefore never gave us a chance to fix it. I am sure that there were ways in which I could have been a better wife but he knew he was loved and that I was always there for him.

I'm now left to pick up the pieces of a life which is currently in limbo. He wants me to be part of his life , he doesn't want a divorce, he enjoys my company and sees me through choice (apparently anyway). He just thinks the grass is greener - just as you no doubt do.

A whole family is currently suffering from his decision. I don't know what the future holds but I'm trying to get through one day at a time.

Please think very carefully about your decision . Make sure you have exhausted every avenue and given your DH every single opportunity to put things right before you throw in the towel.

It might be hard to be the one who delivers the I Love You But I'm Not In Love with you line. Believe you me, it is 100 times harder to be the one who has to hear it.

myheadisamess · 17/02/2016 20:18

Hi Ramble

"The talk" for me was really difficult even though I knew I was desperately unhappy, so when you do decide to do this, be prepared for emotions you'd never have though you were capable of.

I'm still early stages, and I know it will get worse before it gets better. None of my family knows yet. I need to know what's going on and get my head around stuff before I even contemplate telling them. I have confided in a couple of RL friends though which has been a huge relief. And I went to see a counsellor (alone) which was good too.

The whole financial aspect gives me the fear... But I take comfort in knowing that it's been done before, and survived e.g. cereal and bb88

You aren't alone Flowers

dustmyduvet · 17/02/2016 20:20

When he shut the front door behind him in the morning I felt relieved. When he turned the key at night coming home from work I felt anxious and sad. We'd had an appalling year after many years of happiness, so admitting to myself how I felt broke my heart

We watched a documentary together, an elderly actor reminiscing about his life, and his wonderful marriage to his wife whom he clearly still adored. I felt wretched knowing we would not now be able to look back at a relationship like that.

My elderly neighbour confided in me that she was relieved in a way that her husband had died. She'd compromised throughout her whole marriage, and only now felt free and able to be herself.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't think there's very often a moment or event where you think right, that's it, I'm ending this. I think often it's like a dripping tap and then it just overflows. You sound very worn down in your post, and hoping he might meet somebody else is very telling. It means you would expect him to leave you, without you feeling the guilt of ending the relationship.

However it ends it will be sad, difficult etc. But I'm nearly a year down the road and have no regrets about my decision. Be sad about the break-up, be sad for your child, regret what might have been. Do not however be my neighbour, punching the air in the counselling room when she was asked how she felt about now being alone - "free".

myheadisamess · 17/02/2016 20:26

Just re-read your post - our situations are very similar! And cereal and bb88 totally resonate with me too.

Madame I think your DH is being very unfair, cherrypicking what he wants to take from you, and leaving the bits he doesn't want. I think you need to decide what YOU want too.

madamehooch · 17/02/2016 20:43

Myhead - yes he is being unfair although I don't think he sees it like that. The trouble is, without being given reasons for why he is unhappy and him not giving me a reason to hate him (no OW, not being a dick about money) I'm finding it incredibly difficult to give up hope. I do think he is depressed although he doesn't see it, despite having it diagnosed by his GP.

I might be a fool but he claims that I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't had an affair or abused him. How can you throw away 24 years just like that?

Original poster
Ramble · 17/02/2016 20:46

Madamehooch, I'm so sorry about your situation. I have had conversations with my husband over the years and I've explained why I've withdrawn more. He kind of just accepts it. We are both very much at fault but there is history here that he is aware of and has never tried to fix.
Myheadisamess yes, sounds similar and the financial fear thing frightens me...also loads of 'what if' scenarios which is silly but...
Dustmyduvet yes, again, sounds very similar. You have it spot on about him meeting someone else.

My teen has their exams looming and I've waited this long...

OP posts:
Original poster
Ramble · 17/02/2016 20:47

I was reading the separating posts on here...being officially separated but lying in the same house...pretty much sounds like us anyway :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Ramble · 17/02/2016 20:47

*living

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