How do you make a final decision

[Ramble]

So, life with my DH isn't great, no sex for years and we pretty much only talk about child and house stuff. Don't do anything together ( he doesn't do much anyway other than go to work, I work and do loads on top of that).
Can't help but feel
I've is too short. Child is almost of an age...
Feel like we are separate but still living in the same house, if I said it was over and we had to live in the house together until a divorce I really can't see how different it would be...other than he would get nasty I think.

Not sure what to do, not sure how to make that final decision ( the problems have been there for years, probably since day one truth be told).

Thanks Ramble. I've been reluctant to post as I'm not really ready for some of the harsher comments but I just wanted to make sure you'd given it every shot before possibly breaking someone's heart.

My DD sits her GCSE'S in May. She is my priority at the moment

I'm not sure why you would get harsh comments Madamehooch when it sounds like you are going through a horrid time :(
My child also has GCSE's looming and is still my total priority...I'm just seeing a window of opportunity in the summer, as awful as that sounds. If I let it progress beyond the summer my child and exams will be the main priority again and I'm not totally sure I can last much longer. I'm just wondering if I need to give myself a good talking to and appreciate what I have. I feel selfish and that's just not me :(

Ramble - I can understand that it must be so difficult for you. My husband is consumed with guilt and obviously still has feelings for me and I imagine that you will go through the same emotions. It's a horrible situation for both sides and so so sad. I think it was just bb888 's observation that her life was now tropical fish and coral reef which prompted me to comment on your thread. I was just thinking of the one's left behind.

madame I hope I didn't upset you - I didn't mean to be harsh at all. It does sound horrible. In a way your DH has kind of left you, but on his terms which, you're absolutely right, leaves you in a dreadful limbo.

The number of years thing (not aimed at anyone in particular), I've decided is a complete red herring now. I used to think "I've only given it x years, I need to give it more just to be really sure." Then you amass all these years and start to think "How can I leave after investing this amount of my life in my marriage." All it really amounts to is you have spent your life waiting and seeing.

When you look around you, people separate after six months, two years, ten years, thirty years... there are no rules. The answer is within you. You only have one life.

myhead - you haven't upset me and have certainly not said anything which my very good support network hasn't told me many times.

I hope I haven't derailed this thread but I wasn't brave enough to start my own although I am finding this quite theraputic.

As you said, everyone and every situation is different and I can see that no one on this thread has made their decision lightly.

That last sentence is totally it...you only have one life....
Myheadisamess that's it exactly.

Sorry you are going through this madamehooch its must be extremely unsettling to be in the limbo that you are in.
I hope that I don't seem flippant or minimising of the huge change that I have forced onto people. I think that one of the reasons that I am so relieved now is because I spent so long agonising over the decision, and thinking that I couldn't break up the marriage (though honestly the children were my main concern there). And to stretch my analogy further, I know that he just got pushed off the clifftop, in his mind without any warning.
I hope that my STBXH will be happier in the long run, he is still very upset by it all but now says that he agrees with my reasons for thinking that we had to split up. I think he also had buried his feelings to an extent also over the last few years, and hadn't wanted to face how wrong things had gone.

Only you can make that final decision
That decision may take days, months, years to make

Life is too short

It may be the best thing that you have ever done

You need to decide what you want
Can you achieve those things in your marriage
Can you live with not doing those things in your marriage
Can you leave and make plans to make things happen

My decision was 100% clear

This is resonating with me. I suppose I always knew I'd married someone I thought I could live with, rather than someone I couldn't live without. Had thoughts that I should call off the wedding but didn't want to let anyone down, so here we are 10 years down the line and barely talking to each other. I go away for a few days and feel no joy at the thought of seeing him. I don't really think about him when he's not there. I also hoped that he might have an affair to give me an excuse for leaving. My reason for not leaving are financial and our young children. I don't want to make them miss their father and we live away from family so would also need to make decisions about whether to return home or stay here. I just feel depressed about the whole thing. Think I'm going to have to give it a year and if no improvement make moves to separate. You're not on your own. Not much advice but interested to read others thoughts. if I was on the outside looking in I'd give myself a kick up the arse.

Fluffypacman-the problem is that there is never a good time.I waited so long to tell my H that I was unhappy and then it was another 2 years of living in The same house but separated (which didn't feel much different to me but did to h). In that time the DD's got 5 years older.They are now 8 and 10 and although so far they have been amazing in how they've coped, I worry about what the ramifications will be for them in their heads going forwards. I think it would have been easier for them almost if we had done it when they were younger, as then they wouldn't have had much memory of what it was like when we all lived together-the two houses would have just been more the accepted norm. It's been difficult to explain to them why we are splitting up as they have never really seen us argue that much.To them (and to outsiders looking in) our marriage probably seemed pretty perfect.
I feel a massive amount of guilt. I get very weighed down by it in fact and I also feel very judged by others-even though in my case I don't think either of us had done that much wrong-we just weren't right for each other any longer.Its a big thing to be the one who starts that conversation however and I don't think I was quite prepared for how bad I would feel about it-not to the extent that I do anyway.H does play on that a bit both within our family and to outsiders-he has taken on the role of the wronged person-(whilst he has privately said to me that actually he could see that we weren't happy).I have had to just let him get on with that however -it seems almost churlish not to as I started the whole process.Ive had to develop a thick skin to this though, and that something I have found hard.
It's a horribly sad situation for anyone in a marriage that isn't happy.Sorry to all the posters here that are feeling like that-it's hard whatever you decide.

As I see it, in a marriage, there's an implicit responsibility to communicate with your partner and attempt to fix things before you seek to dissolve your contract. It sounds like you've made those attempts, Ramble, and so now it's just about timing.

Madamhooch - I'm sorry that you weren't given that courtesy. (Too small a word for it: he had no moral right to spring this on you out of the blue.)

Fluffypacman that's exactly it. I didn't really spot it at the time but yes, totally. The trouble is another year quickly becomes another and there is always a reason to stay when there are children...but k perhaps the reasons are excuses. In so many ways it's easier to stay but that doesn't do anyone any good. My thought when I think that at the moment is that in two years or so it will just be me and my husband most of the time. I'm not liking that thought at all.
I do actually feel like we are separated in most ways.
Initially, when thinking of making a break, I had thought I should move out. Recently, I've realised I don't have to and that actually for my child it would be far better if I stayed put. I had no idea so many people did this whilst going through the whole divorce thing. Have many of you? I can't imagine it will be too much more horrific in the end, initially I think it could get a bit nasty but I think that's just something I will have to deal with.

This thread is helping a lot. It's so good to know you're not alone.

Its easier in the short term to stay, but I found that the 'bad bit' didn't last too long. Even with some very odd behaviour on the part of my STBX within 3 months things were fundamentally settled, and there has been no shouting for weeks now. So it was very painful for a bit, but that didn't last long. Its the fear of the unknown isn't it. You stay until you realise that you don't care what the unknown looks like, you would rather take a chance on it then stay like you are.

Wanting him to be happy is what ended my marriage.
Different circumstances as he had an affair.
I thought I would try but I knew he was staying out of duty.
I didn't want to be anyone's duty.
I wanted us both to be happy. I knew I'd never really forgive and I'd never forget. I'd never be with the man he was, only with the man he had become. Someone who could really really hurt me.
So I ended it. Best decision for me for sure.
I was 41 when all this happened.
I'm now far happier with a lovely guy who makes me smile and my stomach do flips when I see him. Years on from when we met.

You get one shot at this life.
Do NOT spend it with the wrong person being unhappy. That way madness lies!

Yes bb888 it is, fear of change and the Unknown. Are you still living with your STBXH?

Hellsbellsmelons ...yes...one life, one go. Glad you are happy now your new relationship sounds great.

Not living together, just that he has to come into my house for some things while he gets sorted! Hopefully not for too much longer...

I've been asking the same question for some time. And I have been using excuse after excuse to not make it.

The children are now older, Christmas is over for another year. Yesterday I asked a friend to come and give me a kick up the backside. Totally independent from another source she suggested Woman's Aid - I can't see that there is any abuse though.

I still can't make that final decision. I just can't wreck lives.

I know it's what I want, but making the move is an impossibility. I cannot figure what I am scared of. I've seen a solicitor - H knows this but is doing his best to stop me proceeding.

This thread encompasses Mumsnet for me.

I am there too and my heart is breaking.

Been lurking and reading for weeks as I can't talk to anyone in real life about my situation. I just don't know what to do, I'm so miserable. We've been married for 15 years and have 2 teen DCs. I've keep making excuses to myself for ages as to why it's not the right time to take the plunge and separate. I'm scared about money and just everything really. I feel too depressed to actually get the energy together to DO something. I've tried talking to him about how unhappy I am and what's wrong, and things change for a couple of days and then back to normal again. He appears to not give a toss about me and it really hurts. I can't stop crying.

Rambles I don't recommend living in the same house but separated for a long period of time.However amicable you are it can be quite tense, particularly if one of you wants out more than the other.In addition no one can move on with their lives which becomes a frustration to add into the mix.
Also the little things that the other person does that annoy you when you are married but that you suck up to keep the peace become magnified.
Plus it becomes unclear about money and whose spending what etc.
If you are going to do it like that you need to set clear boundaries and expectations around all that stuff and stick to them, but it's not great. You are kind of free and living more honestly which is a weight off, but simultaneously just as stuck as you were before.

Gosh. Group hug I think.
It took a lot of courage for me to start the thread,mi felt awful even doing this. I emailed a local solicitor and when they phoned and wanted more info I bottled it :(
I've realised there's always going to be a reason not to. I've also realised my child would totally understand ( but that doesn't mean it wouldn't blow his world apart... We are really close to my husbands side of the family, not mine).

Only have one life. I hope you manage to sort your plans out. All the best everyone.....as you say, group hug. X

The decision was made for me and I'm so grateful for that. I didn't even know I was unhappy, just felt my marriage was a disappointment compared to all my other relationships in life, which gave me the joy and fulfilment to put up with a disappointing marriage.
He walked out on us with no warning at christmas. Kids are wee, it was hard. But already I am feeling the elation described by others above. This is going to be a great life! No brooding presence to tell us all off. No financial nonsense. Everything ordered and organised and built around the children having fun. No way am I looking for another relationship (I would say ever, but I realise this is early days). The kids and my fabulous friends rock my world now, and I'm so glad he walked out on me. He took the decision for me, and I really sympathise with those of you wish for that and it isn't happening. That is tough.

I think it is probably telling that I'd like the decision to be made for me, but probably doesn't say much about my strength of character :(