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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Valentine's bloody nonsense of course

58 replies

RivieraKid · 14/02/2016 22:06

Soooo. my DP and I have had an argument in the past because Valentine's does kind of mean something to me even if most people think it's just commercialised affection day and it's not really a thing for him (he completely forgot one year and I was annoyed).

He said back then that he got it and was sorry and sent me a text this morning saying 'i love you, happy valentines' - I said I'd love to hear from him later after work (we're in a LDR and don't see each other that often so I thought a phone call even just to catch up would be nice). He sends me a text after work saying he's off to do 'some things' that mean he'll be out of signal all night. Um. AIBU to feel sad? (it's yes isn't it, I'm a bag of weak will emotionally manipulated by popular holidays).

OP posts:

Vintage45 · 14/02/2016 22:10

A huge part of a relationship is doing something that makes the other one happy even if it means nothing to you. So YANBU.

Original poster

RivieraKid · 14/02/2016 22:26

It just feels like he thought a text was enough even though we're on different sides of the country. What the hell is 'some things' even supposed to mean? I feel like a total afterthought and this is the guy who says he still wants to marry me. sigh

OP posts:

Vintage45 · 14/02/2016 22:29

Maybe you need a rethink Riviera. Maybe he isn't for you in the whole scheme of things. If you think he doesn't really care then he probably doesn't.

Original poster

RivieraKid · 14/02/2016 22:37

He's usually really caring though, I don't know. Just feel down and whingy now. I put a lot of thought into what I sent him :(

OP posts:

Vintage45 · 14/02/2016 22:39

Long distance is hard work.

Has it always been a long distance relationship?

How far away are you?

walkinginmercury · 14/02/2016 22:40

Valentine's Day aside, it doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me.YANBU at all

Original poster

RivieraKid · 14/02/2016 22:47

No vintage we've only been long distance since I moved at the end of last year. About three months, before that we were in the same place for two years.

OP posts:

Vintage45 · 14/02/2016 22:50

Is he right for you Riviera?

Im really not wanting to be harsh but it sounds like the beginning of the end.

I say that because he doesn't look after your feelings does he.

Original poster

RivieraKid · 14/02/2016 22:55

I put more effort in than he does quite often, at least I used to. I've put this down to his frequent bouts of depression in the past. He's been astronomically better the last few months and usually does look after my feelings - so I'm just confused about why he'd be so cagey about what he's doing on a night he knows I wanted to talk to him.

OP posts:

Vintage45 · 14/02/2016 22:58

Out with another woman comes to mind.

Original poster

RivieraKid · 14/02/2016 23:00

I think he'd probably lie better if it was another woman, thankfully he doesn't have such a completely dim view of my intellect. Might be drug-related though, sadly.

OP posts:

Vintage45 · 14/02/2016 23:04

He's a catch, you hang onto him.

Original poster

RivieraKid · 14/02/2016 23:05

I guess I'll find out tomorrow :(

OP posts:

Vintage45 · 14/02/2016 23:08

Im sure you will.

You really are nuts if you want to marry this bloke.

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/02/2016 23:12

Drug related?! Unless it's just that he smokes a little weed now and then, get out!!!

Original poster

RivieraKid · 14/02/2016 23:13

I honestly have no idea what I want to do anymore.

OP posts:

PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/02/2016 23:13

Hmm, drug issues aside - if I were your DP, I'd be receiving mixed messages, I think.
You moved away three months ago after two years together, but you are sad that he isn't prioritising you on a specific day when you can't be together?

Original poster

RivieraKid · 14/02/2016 23:18

We talked it out a lot before I moved (for my job). We agreed that we still wanted to be together so we would remain in a relationship and see each other regularly. He doesn't have to prioritise me to call me for five mins on a day he knows means something to me, IMO, especially when prioritising him is something I seem to do all the time.

OP posts:

Vintage45 · 14/02/2016 23:19

You've answered yourself then Riviera, its painful of course it is but he is not the one for you.

pictish · 14/02/2016 23:21

Going against the grain here, he did contact you after work and really...do you expect him to stay within phone contact on the other side of country just because it's Valentine's Day? Why??

Vintage45 · 14/02/2016 23:24

With respect Pictish, The OP does all the running and she's unhappy that he didn't even make her feel happy on a day that was special to her. Its a dump situation. Painful but dump.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/02/2016 23:28

I do think you were both naive to think that nothing would change if you moved away - and if it wasn't for the drugs, I'd say another heart to heart was in order to see if you are both still want the same thing from your relationship.
But if drugs are involved, then really, it's only ever going to end one way isn't it? Use the distance between you to gather the strength you need to break free and begin your life without that shadow over you.

pictish · 14/02/2016 23:29

Yes I get that. But I still don't understand why he needs to be available tonight specifically. It's not like they could go for a meal or exchange gifts or anything Valentiney... all they could do is have phone contact, which they have...so what's the biggy?

Phalenopsisgirl · 14/02/2016 23:32

Vintage knows what she is talking about, her first comment really hit the nail on the head. Obviously none of us can really say but my gut instinct is you deserve more and could do better. I have been in and seen many a relationship that limps along and isn't really great or bringing much to either party. It is only when I or my friend or aquaintance found that really special something/ someone that we realise what we were missing out on all that time and what we should have expected all along.

Original poster

RivieraKid · 14/02/2016 23:33

I would just have really enjoyed hearing his voice even for five minutes and he knew that. He didn't contact me for hours after he finished work to tell me he was going out and it just feels unbalanced because of the effort I put in to doing something nice for him.

OP posts:

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