how much YOU time do you have?

[littleraysofsunshine]

A good balance is key to a relationship they say..

What amount of you time do you have in your relationship?

Our relationship isn't steady as it's just a lot of arguments.. I'm thinking I need to do more on my own to meet my needs and feel confident in myself.... Dp works full time, football once a week, goes out every now and then, I on the other hand am a SAHM/WFHM of almost four aged five and under. Time is limited, but I think I need to sort something othreide it won't get better right????

I just feel selfish doing things if he already is. I feel like at least one parent should be with them.

He finds it easier as he isn't the SAHP, or pregnant!....

I'm waffling now..

I don't have much but I am a sahm to a 1yo so am 'on duty' from wake up up to bedtime, but evenings are normally (teething/illness aside) nice to relax and do what I want. I don't go out much, but I could happily arrange to start classes or a club and DH would be totally on board with this.
At weekends DH and I take it in turns to have a lie in, and he tries to take her out or have her alone at least once a weekend so that I can faff about have some me time.
This is after much analysis of who gets what me time. I think he was genuinely shocked when we worked it all out.

I am not a good example as I get thirty minutes a week. Broken up into five minute slots! Basically, the drive to and from work! Otherwise I either have the children with me or I am at work. Dh plays a sport every Saturday for around five hours or so.

Tbh we muddle along. I work shifts so we actually don't get that much time together as he works long hours too. We don't argue though?

But if you feel you need more you time, then take some. There is no reason you can't go out if he is home anyway.

Could it be a case of needing or couple time, maybe? Time to reconnect without the children?

My answer is that you should match his time.

So if he takes a Saturday afternoon, you either take a Sunday afternoon or the following Saturday. Because you're matching, this reassures you that you're being reasonable.

The thing I find is that if we try that (him one day, me the other) we have no quality family time.

My answer is it should be whatever you want it to be within reason. My dh has much more him time than I do me time. But that's ok with me because I choose to spend my weekends and evenings with him and dd.

I go to "fat club" once a week. He does football once a week. But he has several weekends away, and a week away with the boys, and time at the weekend tinkering in the garage. During this time I an with dd. Occasionally during this time my dm has dd and I meet the other wives for a spa. Or when dh comes home DM and I spa. But generally speaking he has more than I do.

If you are comfortable with the mix as it is, then great. If not and you feel you want/need more time for yourself, organise it and do it.

The answer to this is different for everyone.

I train 4/5 days a week. 2 of those days dd trains with me (joint martial arts class). So 2 of those aren't 'me time'. And the 2 are during school hours. So it's not like dh has the kids and does what he wants while I am training.

Dh doesn't really have any 'him time in winter' but he doesn't have a winter hobby. He is a pilot and does all his flying hours in late spring, summer and early autumn. During this time he has more than I do.

We both work from home as well. So we try and make time to have an afternoon a well while the kids are at school to do something together.

My marriage broke down partly due to the competitive 'me' time spiral we got into. I think it's healthy to have a break but now I am a single mum to three I realise its less of a problem than I thought....
If he goes to footie fine but I Don't agree with the 'it must be matched thing'. It's more to do with mutual respect... being able to nip out for a while or whatever you like.

The thing I find is that if we try that (him one day, me the other) we have no quality family time

Precisely!

Thats why you do it. You need him to see that something needs to give with him because up till now YOU have been doing all the giving.

If he goes to footie fine but I Don't agree with the 'it must be matched thing'. It's more to do with mutual respect... being able to nip out for a while or whatever you like.

Exactly this!

You need to have nights out with your friends, as much as he does

Quite a lot. We have an 8yo DSS and a 3yo DD (and another on the way!)

We get one weekend morning off each; he plays football with his and I mostly laze about drinking coffee (today I'm on the sofa in my dressing gown watching Saturday Kitchen). We also carve out one evening a week to be 'out' - he mostly spends his either playing football or at gigs, I go to gigs, drinks with friends, evening exhibitions etc.

We also have a weekend away each a year - I've been to visit friends up north already this year, i suspect he's saving his for Download.

We try to ring fence the rest of the weekend (particularly evenings) as family/couple time, although of course things do come up occasionally. And we try to get out on a 'date' of sorts once a month or so.

None of this is set in stone - it's just come about through what we think is fair for both of us. It seems to work, it's flexible and it does help with resentment from one of us 'doing' more than the other. I've just become a SAHM so it's particularly important for me to get some time to myself too.

Too much.

I'm a SAHM. I don't tend to go out all that much because my close friends don't have kids and live quite a distance. I tend to see them monthly on a weekend. I run 30mins 3 times a week and I go to school parent drinks when they come up, get my hair done, etc. DH goes out a lot because he has various work social stuff and is involved in a few community projects.

Essentially DH goes out more than I do but any social stuff I need to do takes precedence because it's less often so it feels fair.

DH and I split jobs at home. He occasionally grabs a pint after work, I go for a coffee with friends twice a month and go for runs. He has one extra day out of the house than me.

We tend to relax together so once the kids are in bed we'll pop the Xbox on and slay some baddies.

An awful lot more now that I am a single mum... It works much, much better than it did before....

It can be hard when your dh goes out as you can feel trapped and it can seem unfair, even if you don't particularly have anything you want to do on your own. How would he be if you did do something on your own? Do you want to? Do you get equal lie ins? Do you feel cross that he goes out on his own?

I go to a yoga class and parkrun and a few runs in the week, some after the child is in bed though.
I think even one class or standing arrangement with friends per week can be enough to just recharge a bit.
We also often each grab a couple of hours at the weekend, one each day. There are still another ten or so hours each day for "family time".

I have 4 aged 7 and under.

I run 2-3 times a week, out of house for an hour at least.
I do my hobby/voluntary work 1.5 hours on a Tuesday and 1-2 hours at a weekend.
I also go out prob once a week on my own for something else like haircut/ go to shops / visit a friend/coffee with SIL (just one of these a week).

I don't think I'd cope well without these things and I'd be resentful if my OH got to do things without DC and I didnt.

He does football on Saturdays. I just seem to have lost interest in doing anything despite wanting/ needing it for my sake.

I do end up resenting him I think but I just feel like as I've put my everything into the kids, he does too but I'm the main parent at home/ pregnancy/ breastfeeding etc. I've just lost the meaning of myself.

My friends drifted as they had different life paths, other than my dad and texting a few mates I don't do anything.

Pregnancy has left me demotivated this time as I'm busy with the kids and any spare time I do have, I try to rest, or catch up on my WFH bits.

It's just seeming a lot easier for him to detach from it where as me it's just always seeming an effort.

If football is on he will then say well I can get in laws to watch them, but then to me, it's more effort trying to arrange this than the event itself.

I wanted to do pregnancy classes this last pregnancy but again it's finding time when I'm not shattered, catching up or just feeling isolated.

Earlier I was going to pop out on my own. Ended up staying in as it did get too late, I didn't have anywhere to go, no one to meet and didn't want to pop to the shops for no reason but to spend on crap.

So really it's probably my demotivation which isn't helping. And I do like time alone, but going to sit in a coffee shop alone or shop I feel awkward where it's not been normal for me for ages as I'm use to having kids with me

I can imagine 4 under 5s is really hard work and it must be impossible to have a second of headspace or even make a telephone call when you're with them - so you probably need more of an absolute break than someone with less or older children would.

I found I lost a lot of 'me' being a SAHM and after 5 years (Id moved away from friends too so that didnt help), I really didnt know who 'me' was anymore and like you I couldnt find anything I really wanted to do on my own. But thats fine - sitting at home watching trashy TV is me time. Order a pizza and watch a film. Read a magazine, paint your nails, have a long bath.

As for actually leaving the house post-kids me likes going to the garden centre, browsing and having a coffee. I dont feel so obvious there, as I do in Costa. Ikea can be fun ocassionally, just being in the car alone is relaxing, park up somewhere and admire a view.

I know exactly how you feel OP - I was also a SAHM of 4 5-and-unders and it is SO hard. The days of a just-turned-5 year old, two toddlers and a newborn, and a husband working 60+ hours a week at a stressful job are a bit of a blur now 10 years later, but I remember the feeling of never being able to sit down and have a coffee for 5 minutes without someone crying, wanting food/breastfeeding, needing the loo/nappy change, taking their brother's toy, having a tantrum, wanting to sit on me, and on, and on and on....It's relentless!

TBH I had very little me time in those days, but went to lots of toddler groups, and made some friends in the same situation, and we'd meet up with the kids at each other's houses, or parks, and just chat and look out for each others' kids. Not me time as such but it really helped not to feel so alone. We'd have a few evenings out too.

DH had very little him time back then either, but on weekends he wasn't working we'd take it in turns getting up early with kids and let the other have a lie-in. And you're right, as the person who's pregnant/breastfeeding and the primary carer it does take more effort for us to get away, which can feel unfair.

I don't know what the answer is for you, but just wanted to say I know how hard it is, and it gets easier! And as a PP said respect and acknowledgement from your partner that this is a hard time for you goes a long way..

I've just been reading about ante-natal depression. It reminded me of what you'd said about feeling any of the things you wanted to do were a bit meh, little, and ducking out of the groups because you felt isolated. I have depression (the permanent kind) and these are the kind of things I say to myself, too.

It will actually be better if you just do the things - particularly, I suspect, the groups as you could probably use the support of other women feeling rather like you do. You might have to take a strong line with H. And, I know, that's another bloody argument and who wouldn't feel depressed?! It's just that I have the impression you really need to talk as well as do a few things just for amusement.

All the above holds true whatever your hormones might be doing to your state of mind just now. But do you feel you might be depressed? It could be worth talking to your doctor and midwife/nurse.

Wishing you some little bits of peace :)

I see exactely where you are coming from.
As you have been immersing yourself in looking ater the dcs, all the other parts of you have disappeared. The friend, the person with their own interests, all of that is gone as all your efforst have gone towards your dcs, the family etc...

I found that the only way to get out of that circle has been, for me, to give as much impportance to myself (as a person) as everybody else.

The second was for DH to learn to think 'family first' rather than 'me first'.
So YY to go out to do his own things and enjoy himself. But maybe not everyweekend or for the whole day when he is taking half of what could be family time for himself, leaving you with no time for yourself or the family with no time.

There are plenty of things you can do but ime, you might need to start small. The apathy you are describing can be a sign of depression and forcing yourself to go out when yoou dont feel like it isn't going to help.
For me, what was really important was to break the isolation. I made a point of going to see a friend on a regular basis and to have someone to talk to laugh with that isn't family.
The other was to give much more responsibility to DH re the dcs. And by that, I don't mean automatically more work. But more sense that he is as resposnible as me of the well being of the dcs. So I've asked a lot of questions along the lines of what about the dcs? What are they gooing to do whilst you are at xxx? Who is putting them in bed? Who is getting up at night? etc.... In effect forcing him to think about what happens when he isn't there. Going away myself for a full weekend did help too (I went to my parents, about half an hour away) as well as giving the resposnibility of the dcs when we are together (at home, on an outing etc...).

The thing that get also is an issue is where my friends have made me feel unimportant I just stopped bothering.

And I will admit that I do envy that dp has friends and outlets. Maybe that's why we're going through a rough patch. But for him it's always been accessible. As much as I love being a mother I am the one who has had to sacrifice more and put things on hold.

Like Xmas and birthdays etc where I've stayed in pregnant, breastfeeding or something and he still carries on doing his things.

I just feel annoyed that I've got so past it into this mindset.

Day to day when I'm with my littles, I'm happy. I like doing things with them, we see my friend once a week but that's it. Or we see my dad. They are the only people I have other than dp

You need to carve out time for yourself. TBH I think I have more than DH. We both work. But I go swimming before work 3 days a week (so leave the house before any of the kids are up), do a yoga class one evening a week and swim another evening (admittedly that's while DD1 has her swimming class so officially isn't 'me' time but does feel like it). I try and do a daily yoga at home which I need peace to do - it tends to be late in the evening after the kids go to bed. DH doesn't do anything particularly, he goes out with mates occasionally but doesn't do any sport except cycling to work.

Since you are currently pregnant it can be hard though, it's exhausting being pregnant with LOs to look after. When I was at that stage me time consisted of going to the supermarket in the evening and the odd night out with friends (where we talked about our kids all the time! Now we have more work chat as well as homelife chat). Talk to your DH, being a SAHM it's very important to have some time to yourself. Is there a regular pregnancy class you could go to to treat yourself? Could DH take the kids out on a Saturday or Sunday so you could have some time to yourself? e.g. I've got a cold at the moment and so DH has gone out for the day with the kids so I can get well for the rest of half term.

*If football is on he will then say well I can get in laws to watch them, but then to me, it's more effort trying to arrange this than the event itself.
*

If he is doing football he should sort out the childcare, you are pregnant and exhausted. Next time he suggest this say "yes, can you sort it out?" If he does then you have some time to yourself, if he doesn't then you are in no worse a position than you are in now.