how much YOU time do you have?

[littleraysofsunshine]

A good balance is key to a relationship they say..

What amount of you time do you have in your relationship?

Our relationship isn't steady as it's just a lot of arguments.. I'm thinking I need to do more on my own to meet my needs and feel confident in myself.... Dp works full time, football once a week, goes out every now and then, I on the other hand am a SAHM/WFHM of almost four aged five and under. Time is limited, but I think I need to sort something othreide it won't get better right????

I just feel selfish doing things if he already is. I feel like at least one parent should be with them.

He finds it easier as he isn't the SAHP, or pregnant!....

I'm waffling now..

It varies really.

I'm currently on maternity leave with 7 mo DD, so spend all day with her while dh is at work mon-fri.

He goes to sports 2 evenings a week and I enjoy these evenings as me time. I am still looking after DD but she sleeps well (touch wood!) So I usually watch a film, read a book or have a bubble bath once she's settled.

Dh shares the parenting at the weekends so I get a lie in etc. If I go out to meet friends I usually take DD with me.

One thing that got us through 2 young children was strict turn taking for bed time (the other would tidy up) and one lie in each at the weekend. We would change these to suit nights out or owe them etc. It worked well and it was nice to know it was fair. i definitely think you should be getting a lie in every weekend.

Oh yes I didn't wait for kind offers. It was like a bloody contract!

I have a decent amount of time for myself especially now ds is at school - so I have all school hours free as a sahm. But I also have an important hobby which take up a couple of nights a week, and they've always been a non-negotiable so DH has always had to come home in time to allow me to go out.

I'm lucky that DS has tended to be a late sleeper/late riser so we'd both lie in while DH was getting ready for work.

I just don't ever see the balance coming.

And it's taking its toll. The other thing is that the kids just don't give us a little time for those 'take it in turns for a lie in' it never happens happily. They want for the other one.

So you both always get up then? Or is it when he gets up the kids need you so you end up getting up? Perhaps I was more selfish, I'd just say ask daddy and Keep the door shut.

OP you need to be more assertive with your DH. It seems like if you're waiting for him to spontaneously offer to 'help', you'll be waiting a long time. Face the reality and lay it on the line with him. And stick to what you agree. Go to a coffee shop, take a book, and don't go home til your allotted time. You have to re-educate your DH otherwise DC4 will arrive and nothing will have changed.

Yeah. He went out last night, in at 3pm, slept until 10:30, I on the other hand have been up in the night and since 6am. Washing, cleaning (which he usually helps with) but today ( and when he goes out ) he will be..... On the sofa.

The kids have made the house a shit tip while I'm trying to tidy, and I'm left running on empty.

I said he can do the food shop, but I'm.... He's snoozing on the sofa still.

Braxton hicks keep coming a lot because I just allow the stress to get to me then end shouting.

Me time.... Probably will happen when the kids go to bed when I'm shattered.

So if your partner works mon-fri (unless overtime) leaves house at 6:20 am, I get up with the kids then too, and I'm on SAHM duty / school run.

Not as if I don't leave the house either, or have a job/responsibilities to do too.

So weekend time....

How would you alternate/make fair for lie ins, 'you time' ?

I thought it would be fair me having a lie in, my time Saturday morning as he has child free/his time Saturday afternoon until 6pm. Then Sunday he can have the lie in and we do our usual family day?

And tomorrow he's booked a private job so potentially that wS meant to be my lie in jeopardised then as he was very slow on moving this morning despite him waking once and I was woken three times by littles in the night.

I then burst into tears, as I'm so tired today, heavy pregnant and anaemic. I just feel like it's s " well I didn't exactly sleep, the kids were awake" or a who deserves it most kind of thing.

I then go on, and just get fed up of having to even ask.

I just said that if he was that tired from a week at work, then he shouldn't stay up past twelve most nights and drinking a fair few nights too.

It's as if as we've aged, he's becoming more unaware of how I feel it just doesn't want to consider it unless on his terms. This is only a recent thing really but the change is crazy. Sometimes he 'LL do without me having to hint/ask but I just get the impression that he thinks I get all this glorious rest in the week from somewhere?

So today I am dog tired, weak, and am trying to think of how to make the afternoon fun for the little three without possibly being a moody mare, fainting or just guilty mama.

If he is around this afternoon which it sounds like he is, you say, "darling I feel really ill I'm going to bed. Have a lovely time with the kids, please don't let them disturb me, how about taking them to xxx? I really feel rough. hopefully I'll feel better later." Then you get in bed, turn off your phone, lock the door and go to sleep.

As much as I want.

He goes to kickboxing Monday evening, gym Tuesday evening and jujitsu Wednesday evening (if he's not working as he does shifts), I teach a karate class Thursday evening, have my karate training Friday evening and Sunday morning (except if he's at work obviously).

He goes away with his mates, I go out with mine and have a weekend away booked. He would never say I can't go, we just try to be concious of each others schedules.

I think if you have to beg or negotiate for some you time or a rest when you're unwell then he's being unreasonable.

I have 3 kids under the age of 7 and the week before last I had that dreadful virus doing the rounds. I didn't even have to ask my husband to help, he looked after the kids whilst I stayed in bed. One day he too off work as I was at my worst and simply couldn't function.

I would just say to your DH that you're feeling rubbish, please deal with the kids you're off to bed.

Well I am just thinking so much at the minute. I keep thinking I'm holding him back in what he truly wants.

He doesn't seem to bother about my struggles in this pregnancy. I just feel I'm an annoyance.

As long as he gets to do football, go for a pint or drink most evenings he's ok, and it's acceptable because he works.

I'm just not sure where we've gone wrong.

Maybe all these ten years I've tried to change him? God knows but I just feel torn as its just arguments all the time. Petty things that lead to us not talking for a week.

Due to give birth in five weeks and my heads all over. I don't want to try bettering something if it's not there. I'll birth on my own, I have parented on my own before and do most of the time anyway. I think the thing that's stopping me is how much I love him, I remember the good and think that my life is going to be hell if we're separated. Bossy in laws, I will be alone, and the kids will be a broken home. So I am just none the wiser

Well today I've had my lay in... But then it's my issue as I can't get comfy (36w pg).. I've felt so weak and not well recently due to anaemia is bad, and I just feel mum guilt for even trying to rest. Like I should be doing something.

And I just get the feeling of he's actually getting more rest than me as the kids keep coming up to say hello, he's been on the sofa laid down since 7am and I've sobbed about five times. Hormones it know but it's as if I should feel guilty for having a time out.

I went down To make some tea & toast, (wouldn't expect it again as its not Mother's Day) and the kids see me and want me. My biggest is craving my attention and wants to draw with me, my heads in a spin as I don't feel right and I just want to eat something. She then decides she's hungry, then the next little one. Cue me sobbing again.

I know it's a lot to expect, they're small ages and it's my issue if I feel mum guilt, but it's always at a cost.

I have a relax (which is always interrupted, not a relax) and he will then use it against me and say well you had yours earlier like its a constant competition.

Oh and he's just asked if I'm ready to "swap over" (he's been on the sofa all morning, yes with the kids down most of the time but not doing a thing) when I take them down I do food, crafts, see to them and not just sit and watch to with them.

My head is going to blow!

Well my "rest" is over now.... Back to it!

I don't get any time to myself. well apart from staying up late night to just relax, and even then I get told off for going bed late? I still get up to get the kids ready without fail it's not like he helps me there so I honestly ignore him

He is busy but he often nips out without telling me. may be gone for a few hours to see a friend. or he likes to drive around in his flash car that doesn't get much use. he says it needs running once a weak otherwise battery will go dead.

ive seen my friend once in 8 months. I really don't have a life apart from my kids and domestics. I don't see how I can fit things in if he wont share babysitting and domestics with me. ive spoken to him and he always turns it on me apparently I'm a hermit. really I'm not I would love to see my friend regular. id love to go to the gym regular but he will say he can't be there to babysit so I cant see a solution.

with my husband no me time. to be honest lately ive not wanted to spend time with him I resent him. I'm heavily pregnant still getting no help, I care for his mum and my father. 4 children I don't see why he should get happy time with me, when I get nothing in return. I just go to bed rather than sit with him.

Both of my friends have moved away and now I barely socialise ( bar water cooler crap). I have a demanding job and find downtime with my family rejuvenating.

You pregnant ladies sound worn out. I'm sorry your husbands are being so selfish.

You are not expecting too much, he is not giving you any consideration what so ever, you are on call 365 days of the year for all of the family. You are entitled to time away from them, to recharge your batteries/have fun time away from the home.
It would be good for you, if you could reconnect with one of your old friends & have some good adult time alone with them, to regain your confidence again. Is there a local MN in your area, where there would be other mums in your situation, who may meet you for coffee etc......

If I want time, or a break just to have a rest he will suggest asking his mum, or sister etc. As otherwise it will take up his free time. Which is what annoys me.

This weekend, everyone has been poorly, he had a little lay in this morning even though I feel awful, as I thought it would be my turn tomorrow. But he's enlightened me that he's working tomorrow- no lie, and that he's still going to football today - me entertaining the kids all day like I do all the time.

I just get fed up as its as if it's a competition for who's needing the most rest? It effects my over all mood then I'm snapping at the kids where I'm so exhausted (got to have iron infusion next week as its that low) but because he works outside the home... He is okay doing what he's doing

He he was getting the afternoon for him then you should have had the morning to match his time. Have you realised or mentioned that?

Yeah. It just never goes that way.

I've said I've got a headache and he's just singing as loud as he can to annoy me. He's just in a mood as he hasn't had his lie in apparently.

Seriously lost respect for each other lately. I just get annoyed with what he does and how he's seeming so selfish. Then it eats away at me.

But hey.

I need to put a smile on, pretend I'm not poorly as I got three kids to look after and carrying around another which is due in less than three weeks. ... No rest for the wicked eh?

Meanwhile he'll have fun at football, have beers (not able to drive if I go into labour) and I'll still not get a break as he's working tomorrow...

If you pretend then he's not seeing the effects.

I think you need to have the chat about how unkindly he treats you now, and how he'd never behave in that way when you fisrt got together because you want to please each other and make each other happy. Tbh is not stay in an unequal relationship where love and kindness had gone if there was no prospect of that changing.

I'd ask him what he felt needed to change in the relationship for it to be the best it could be. I know that you'd either be inclined to not rock the boat or to talk at him, I think it'd be far more enlightening to get his take on the relationship to see if his expectations will ever tally with yours and middle ground be met.

If your current situation isn't acceptable and not likely to change, are you willing to accept this as your life forever? Fast forward to when the kids are more independent, what do you have that keeps you with him other than kids?