how much YOU time do you have?

[littleraysofsunshine]

A good balance is key to a relationship they say..

What amount of you time do you have in your relationship?

Our relationship isn't steady as it's just a lot of arguments.. I'm thinking I need to do more on my own to meet my needs and feel confident in myself.... Dp works full time, football once a week, goes out every now and then, I on the other hand am a SAHM/WFHM of almost four aged five and under. Time is limited, but I think I need to sort something othreide it won't get better right????

I just feel selfish doing things if he already is. I feel like at least one parent should be with them.

He finds it easier as he isn't the SAHP, or pregnant!....

I'm waffling now..

Hi Little, I wonder if finding something specific you want to do would be meaningful. Your pregnancy classes are a something to aim for as it is something you want to do, I get your motivation is low and small steps can be a useful way to get going.

Having 'me time' and balancing out who has what time, makes your decisions dependent upon the actions of others and as other posters have said it can be a destructive cycle.

Finding something specific you would like to do, including socialising and or relaxing time alone, gives purpose to your discussions with your DH. My example is, DH I would like to go to X class as I am feeling a bit stiff and it would help me improve my physical health. The class is x time on x day, what can we put in place so I can make a regular commitment to this?

I am the one who has had to sacrifice more and more

That's the answer to your question.
You are getting ressentful because there is no place left for YOU.

I use to think that DH should be able to think about me and to give me that time, the same way that I give him the time to be himself, go out etc.. I thought that it was normal that he would think about me and put me first, before himself like I was doing with him (and always put myself at the bottom of the pile. dcs first, then DH and then... well me but by then there was nothing left anyway).
I've learnt that it actually starts with me. That I need to put myself first and say so to DH. That I need to stop doing all the sacrifices and expect DH to do some too.

Tbh it hasnt been an easy shift in the way I was thinking. But nothing changed until I accepted that being a mother doesn't equal being the one who sacrifices everything to the altar of motherhood.

I know I need to snap out of it but it just feels hard when I have hardly anyone. And I think I'm beginning to resent dp for it. But for me (there's been life issues too) it's been harder to keep it all balanced.

I always feel emotional in pregnancy, maybe even ANDp. But I just keep myself in this bubble that is happy a lot of the time but when I'm not I feel like dp is trying to lead a life outside of all this family thing.

I want to feel comfortable doing my own thing again but it's going to be hard when I'm breastfeeding a baby and seeing to three small kids. I want to make the most of them, so having me time I feel guilty for it too.

And I know it's a catch 22 as I need to make sure my cup is full so I can meet others needs to the better.

One of my best friends stopped bothering with me last summer so that knocked me. There was no reasoning but I took offence. Then it made things frosty with our joint friend (who she met through me) so it's just awkward.

I want to meet others, work I do from home give me opportunities to do events in London but I just don't feel confident doing so at the moment, and especially pregnant, I would worry the whole way travelling alone where as it should be something blissful.

I'm the problem in this and only I can change it. I just think it will take time. And when I do try I need to not feel guilty for it.

Btw I don't know about you, but it has always felt quite selfish to say 'well I need to go out and do '.

The reality is that taking care of yourself, like going to the ante natal classes or doing some pregnancy yoga or whatever else feel right to you, is a gift to your dcs and your DH.
On the outside, it might look selfish but if you don't do that, you are going to run yourself down, be more irritable, more isolated etc... all of which isn't good neither for your health, nor for your MH.
As both of those will have a huge impact on your family, it is very important to take care of yourself and do all these activities and put yourself FIRST. Even if this means that your DH might not go to football every sunday. Even if it means that some weekends you don't have a lot of time as a family.
In the long run, this will be very beneficial for all of you.

xpost.

Maybe your answer is not about doing big things like having a whole day out on your own.
But rather doing smaller things centered around the pregnancy.

I would also involve your DH much more. Because you are right, he HAS kept a life outside the family. And yes it is OK to do so. It is not OK to do so if it is done to the detriment of your partner though (as in he has a life outside home but you can't do so because of that).

So what about these antenatal classes? Could you organise to go to one of them and meet other mums etc..?

What about post natal Pilates or something "good for you" so you don't feel guilty. Research classes now.

Just wanted to add my bit. I'm coming the the other end now, and you will too, it does get easier. But I agree massively with queenoftheboys - as we breast feed them (often), it sets a pattern where we are primary caregiver and its just how it is at the beginning. It's exhausting and you def lose yourself a bit. I remember clearly feeling that, but that passes and I feel you come out the other end a new person.

I also agree with taking yourself out as much as poss. I'm a pretty quiet person and live time at home but with little ones I found it much healthier for my state of mind to go OUT to playgroups. Even if you just get your coffee and hang around solo, too knackered to chat, you're out in company and that's good for you, I think.
But if you can connect with a mum or two at groups, like queen said, it's good to have each other around to your houses for coffee, to moan about the kids or the mess your house is in, etc.

I remember being so desperate for company one winter morning I trudged through snow for about half an hur pushing the pram to get to group! The coffee and brief chat, even if its fleeting, is support and helps you see you're def not the only one feeling this way!!!

Me time is a tough one but think you need to chat with husband to sort it. Teak it thorough. Good luck!

How much time? Quite a bit, now the children are primary school age. It does get easier. We do some activities which they enjoy and give us some more time such as one before school which starts at 8am and a farm club on a Saturday morning for a couple of hours- they get to feed the animals and DH and I can have some time to ourselves.

I have two boys and it seems at the moment they enjoy time with their dad, so am feeling a bit left out! But I am enjoying the solitude too. For example, I just went for a nice walk alone (and watched others struggling with their toddlers etc) and didn't miss them a bit. Then came home and had a bath (but should be tidying up etc)

I am enjoying parenting more now they are primary school age than before.

I wanted to do pregnancy classes this last pregnancy but again it's finding time when I'm not shattered, catching up or just feeling isolated

When I was in your situation there really wasn't a time I wasn't feeling one of those things! I'm not naturally confident and outgoing at all and sometimes (most times) I really had to force myself to go out, but it's worth making the effort, otherwise you just end up in a vicious cycle of exhaustion and isolation.

For what it's worth I found structured groups with a leader and organised activities (antenatal classes, toddler music or gym etc) easier than playgroups where people just stood around chatting and you had to try to break into existing groups. And I had to meet lots of people I didn't "click" with to find the few I did (bit like dating really!)

I'm not much of a "going out" person and what I really wanted was just time at home alone, but even if your partner tries, if the kids know you're there that just doesn't work IME. It's really hard and I really empathise!

I think also you need to just smash the mould when it comes to the assumption of being the primary caregiver. I was a SAHM till DS was 15 mo, and then went back to work. At that point, DH was just not confident being with DS without me because he hadnt been. I booked DS into a baby gym class on a Saturday morning and told DH he was taking him. The first few weeks I sat in Starbucks downstairs as Dh was too scared to be left! A few weeks later the transformation was complete! - I was also pregnant with DD by then and had a crappy pregnancy so DH taking DS out and about at weekends was a godsend. I have to be fair to DH and say he is really hands on now with both DC but it was just a confidence thing. When DS was pre-verbal he didnt know how to handle tantrums, crying etc. - i.e. do I take him home? Do I power through? Do I cave? Do I hold the line? Once he realised there's no right answer and I didnt know either, he relaxed and just got on with it.

What is 'you time' is it when you are asleep?

I'm in a similar situation. I have a 2 year old and am pregnant. I do feel trapped at home sometimes as DF is at work full time and I feel envious that he can go out on his lunch break and if I want to go out its such a mission! However I do try and think that it's not forever and I will have more time on my hands when the kids are more grown up. It is lovely being at home and I know when I eventually go back to work I will look back at this time as very precious. On the whole I have more good days than bad and I wouldn't go back to not having kids for the world. When I look back at my single days I remember how all I ever wanted to do was have a family so I know I wasn't happy despite being able to do what I wanted when I wanted! Luckily my DF is supportive and he helps me on weekends, however I've never had a night away from our DS whereas he's been away for a few weekends to see his family. I don't mind as I didn't want to go as it would mean taking our car sick DS on a 7 or 8 hour car journey! If I get chance I try and watch a few programmes on my iPad while cooking dinner or when DS is napping as that feels like me time.

When my 3 youngest were babies/toddlers (17mth age gap between twins and youngest dc) it was regimented i.e. on a Wed evening DP and I played badminton while MIL had the 4 kids, once a month I had dinner with a friend, strictly one weekend lie in each etc. Now that they are older (17, 10, 10 and 9) it is just...as we need it. I go on weekends away with friends probably twice a year, dinner out/night at the pub maybe once a month, gym/swim twice a week. DP goes out on his bike with a mate or alone, running club, long solitary walks (his choice) a few times a week. I get 3 hours home alone on a Friday night as DP is a Scout Leader and all 3 boys are in Cubs/Scouts as well as my eldest DC being a 'young leader' so volunteers there as well. I like Fri nights!

In your shoes I would be going for the little/often approach - pregnancy yoga for an hour a week, a walk at lunchtimes, getting nails done or whatever and structured activities with the kids will often give the illusion of 'you time' even with one eye on them as there is a both a point to what you are doing and other adult supervision.

I really do sympathise...! I have been there. Lots of people have given great advice, but if I could add to it then I would just say definitely talk it through with your husband. You are about to have your 4th child, that is a lot of work for the main carer, and you are pregnant which is no picnic. I suspect that he just doesn't understand the implications of caring for young kids full time and being pregnant lots of times in a short amount of time. I have 5 children, 4 are within a five year chunk, so I do understand the feeling you describe. I went through a similar patch of resentment, and indeed it has become a bit of a feature of my feelings about my partner. I have found being very candid is helpful, 'I am feeling X because of X and it would help if you could do X' he seems to respond to that and yet is not able to see for himself that his choices might impact me...
Also it is perfectly reasonable that he curtail the hobbies for a bit, especially during your pregnancy and in the first year I would say. This sort of conversation is hard to have because you end up feeling nagging and needy, but I think it needs to be had anyway. It is totally ok for you to want some time off, or even some more time with an extra pair of hands.

In the end my partner and I negotiated a full day where he can be available for the kids, although it is rare that I would go out for a whole day...but he becomes the main carer on that day which allows me to do things that I want to do, like go for a walk, read, watch telly, meet friends or spend time with one child....often I end up doing a job like sorting out the airing cupboard...but I get to do it undisturbed by kid lets and with the archers on the iPad......small pleasures 😉

Perhaps show your dh this thread?

Hope you get what you need.

I work from home part time and am a SAHM the rest of the time. I do need to get out and do things or see people as I'm in the house a lot. My DH has a long commute and works full time, he just wants to relax at home and not go out. It's tough as I can see both sides.

I have lie in Saturday and DH has lie in Sunday, this works really well and I would recommend to any parents.

None at the moment because it's half term. Normally I get two hours three times a week.

Where do you live Little? I Really feel for you. I too lost contact with friends when my DDS were young and often didn't feel like a person of any importance. I think you need to make contact with your midwife and health visitor and make them aware of how you're feeling. Please don't suffer in silence any longer.....you need to find You again and reaching out to your midwife and health visitor could help to get you back on the right track. I don't know you but I'm sending you big hugs coz you need and deserve them xx

I have been in the same situation. My only advise is bide your time, it does get easier when all the kids are at school. You'll also make friends with other parents who have the same kind of time restrictions and so short meet ups are easier to arrange (and no-one is offended at last minute cancellations or having just a 20 minute coffee).

As the kids get to 3-4 years old, the pressure of minding them eases and you'll be able to potter around the house and do other jobs as they'll start playing on their own for 30-60 mins.

To create 'me' time, I've put a tv in my room now, listen to the radio in the Kitchen and have started reading again (I read 2 children's books and then switch the light off. Switch on the kindle and the kids fall asleep in minutes listening to whichever novel I am on).

I have accepted that my husband is a chauvinist and just try to carve out little moments on my own.

It is difficult with social meet ups and family emergencies but I'm starting to build up my own support network (which excludes my husband as he's clearly not interested nor reliable). It's not right that I have to do everything but I don't want to separate for the sake of the children.

I don't get time full stop my partner works full time and I have no help looking after the children who are 2years old and 9months olds they both don't sleep though the night either
Time I don't no what that word means
But I love them so there with it xx

We don't have a 'me time' schedule or 'clock' how much one another does with our son - we just get on with it and do it as a team.

If one of us wants to go out / needs to have a little break, we do it on an 'when need be' basis.

Husband works a lot of hours in a physically demanding job - he's a chef, and often works 7am - 11pm so I do do the chunk of the parenting, however he does sometimes get a couple of hours off in the afternoon.

Generally, the unspoken rule is if he is at home, he tends to our son the majority of the time - mainly because he wants to as he doesn't get to see him as much as he would like to! Bonus to that is it frees me up to do a little housework / craft / sit on my bum and drink a hot brew!

We try to have a 'date night' every couple of weeks where one of us cooks. We don't really go out much but that's more due to the hours that hubby works than anything.

hubby always puts our son to bed on his days / evenings off - that gives me a lovely little break to have an uninterrupted long bath or shower.

To be totally honest, I'm a SAHM, and hubby often says that he gets his break when he's goes to work - he walks to work which is lovely for him, and he enjoys his work - he's doing what he loves - so he actually sees that as his 'me time' . We love spending our free time together and that works for us.

Every couple is so different though, you have to do what works for you. There's no right or wrong way.

I've seen that clip before. Loved it

So this morning you'd think he would say... Have a lie in considering he's going out tonight and will want one tomorrow.

But no offer, as if he thinks me having no school run all week is having a lie in as he was still at work all week.

There's never any balance between us, he sees that he works all week so is entitled, I see that even though I don't work outside the home in still raising three kids, pregnant, and also building a work from home thing.

Maybe I just expect too much, God knows

Reading between the lines it sounds like you don't think your DH does his fair share of childcare and domestic work, and has much more leisure time than you. And feels entitled to this. Is that the case?

Are you still content with your SaH arrangement and level of earnings?

3 small DC and a pregnancy is a lot, especially if your H isn't pulling weight.