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Original poster

DH secretive with his phone

58 replies

Snowflakes1122 · 10/02/2016 14:27

DH has always been this way, but it really bothers me!
He has it password protected, and will not tell me it.
He won't even let me hold it when he is showing me something on the screen.
He takes it to the loo with him, keeps it face down so can't see the screen too.
He is the same with his laptop. He gave me his old laptop, and he emptied the search history first (I know this as it was on the page to clear history when he gave it to me)

He has never cheated, but I hate being shut out of a part of his life like this.
I asked him one night if I could look through his phone and he went off to sleep in the spare room on a huff!

I don't mind him going on my phone or knowing my passwords on the other hand.

Is this normal behaviour? Should I let it go?

OP posts:
MsMims · 10/02/2016 14:30

It's not normal, no. While I wouldn't expect to go through my DPs phone if he was edgy and so secretive then I'd assume he had something to hide. There isn't really an innocent explanation.

Not even letting you hold it, wtf?

FoxFeatures · 10/02/2016 14:32

It isn't normal. Sorry. My DH and I have no issues with using each other's phones etc. Why would we?
If he is acting in a suspicious manner it is because he has something to hide. Why else would he do that?
I think you need to decide on your next step.

Nonotmenori · 10/02/2016 14:36

Sorry this is what the cheating married guy I was seeing was doing. Never let me hold his phone, wouldn't let near it always packed his phone away and always took it everywhere we went. Not a chance in hell would he give me or his wife his password. If he's got nothing to hide he wouldn't be hiding.

PosieReturningParker · 10/02/2016 14:37

It's not normal, it's weird.

BlondeOnATreadmill · 10/02/2016 14:39

NOT normal.

It's obvious that he is doing things on his phone, that he doesn't want you to know about.

The Million Dollar Question is.....WHAT?

My bet would be Porn/Hook up sites/Affair (from bitter experience with ExH)

He is clearly never going to show you. You don't seem to have a way of finding out yourself.

In your shoes, I would ask him WTF is going on - and tell him that unless these is complete transparency between you, that the relationship is over.

You can't carry on like this.

shiteforbrains · 10/02/2016 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Snowflakes1122 · 10/02/2016 16:02

Is there any other way I can snoop/catch him out?
I know he's not going to let me look at his phone, but there must be some way of finding out if something is going on?
He has an iPhone 6 with finger print ID, so impossible to look at.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 10/02/2016 16:06

This is how it all started with my ExH.
I found out he was having an affair, had been for about 9 months.
It's not normal and it's not OK.
He has something to hide. It really is that simple.
And normal rational innocent person would not be like this.
How long have you been together?
How many kids, what ages?

notarehearsal · 10/02/2016 16:09

I must be odd then as I don't let anyone touch my phone either. To me it's private, it makes no difference whom it concerns, it's my phone, my conversations with friends, my Facebook, my searches, my photos etc. I dont actually see any need for anyone to look on anyone else's phone, in the same way I don't see the need for anyone to listen in to my phone conversations or read my diary.

notarehearsal · 10/02/2016 16:11

Oh and I'm not having an affair or looking at porn!

stinkysnowbear · 10/02/2016 16:13

I'm fairly secretive and take my phone everywhere with me too bu not to that level, purely because I can't be bothered. Nothing to hide from DP in the slightest.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 10/02/2016 16:14

It's one thing not liking anyone touching your phone, it's quite another going to the extreme of taking your phone to the loo with you and literally never letting the phone out if your sight.

His behaviour is not normal.

Original poster
Snowflakes1122 · 10/02/2016 16:21

We have 3 kids-all under 10.

I can't even bring up the subject with him over his phone, as he will hit the roof and cause an argument rather than a discussion!
He has always been like this.
Our sex life is non existent and he was talking about working away from home and getting a flat too (so we could move to a nicer part of country) And talking about buying himself a sports car. Guess looking at it, it's not good is it?

OP posts:
Drew64 · 10/02/2016 16:27

I'm not secretive at all, my phone is not password protected, just a swipe to unlock it.
My DW knows the password for my account on the laptop but only because I'm the administrator and she has needed it to update or install some things (We have private/personal and child accounts on PC)
I don't know her passwords.

My phone is pretty much always with me, even if I go to the loo. I'm a guy and read news and social media rather than the traditional paper...lol (I know, disgusting, I'm a guy, what do you expect!)

That said, I don't go down my wifes handbag, it's rude, even if she tells me to I will hand it to her. It's an old fashioned thing I got off my Dad.

So...why do you want to go through his personal things? You must have a reason to mis-trust him than just "he's secretive of his phone"
It's personal, his, private. You must have another reason!

My DW and I don't go though each others personal devices because we trust each other, why don't you trust your DH?

chelle792 · 10/02/2016 16:28

tbh I'm pretty secretive with my phone too. I feel really uncomfortable if DH uses it for any reason. I have no idea why. Nothing to hide, it just makes me anxious and want to snatch it off him Blush

I have no secrets, nothing to hide, no private conversations that I wouldn't want him to read. Yet, I really really hate it when he touches it!

imwithspud · 10/02/2016 16:28

My phone comes with me to the loo if I know I'm going to be a whileBlush, but my dp can use it for what ever reason when ever he likes. He usually borrows it to make a phonecall as its on contract with free minutes whereas his is on payg. We know each other's pass codes and what not so can 'check' when ever we like if we wanted to.

The not letting you hold it when he's showing you something is very over the top. I would be concerned.

zombiesarecoming · 10/02/2016 16:31

Fingerprint ID on an iPhone 6 doesn't work if the phone has being switched off and on again, the first time it will ask for the 4 digit passcode only

That same 4 digit passcode if you can find it out will also work any other time

Does he always sit in the same place ?, I would set up a discrete camera to view the phone from a distance while he uses it if I was that suspicious

Unless of course you have any idea what the passcode might be, don't try to many times in close succession though or it will lock the phone after a few failed attempts and he will know you have been trying

imwithspud · 10/02/2016 16:32

That said he does constantly have his browser set to 'private' I think I know whyHmm, but have yet to confront him about it. It's not hard to find out what sites he's been on though if I really wanted to find out.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/02/2016 16:38

With your last update..
Not it certainly doesn't look good.
Sorry.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/02/2016 16:42

he was talking about working away from home and getting a flat too (so we could move to a nicer part of country)

Rings a bell. Did you start a thread about that this week?

If there are several things that are bothering you I don't know if anything we say on this subject will help much. However - unless you are especially clumsy I don't know why he won't ever let you hold the phone let alone use it.

I have no issue about DH seeing my texts or accessing it and he lets me see his phone or use it as for sat nav on journeys etc. Out of politeness he would always ask first.

Though I have read about partners on here keeping a hidden phone so being easy-going with one phone doesn't mean anyone should assume all's well.

AgathaF · 10/02/2016 16:53

Did he discuss working away from home with you, or buying a sports car, or just tell you he might do them.

Is your non-existent sex life by mutual consent?

It does sound like there are a few issues in your relationship, not just the phone secrecy.

PennyHasNoSurname · 10/02/2016 16:59

You know what? You could spend months wondering, trying to snoop, stressing. Could be something, could be nothing.

But the fact of the matter is this man has no repect for you whatsoever. Clearly doesnt want to reassure you he is doing no wrong. He doesnt appear to love you, or fancy you.

Id leave.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/02/2016 17:00

My DH and I both have our phones password protected, but we know each other's passwords. It's so each can use the other's phone in an emergency.

The only 'innocent' reasons I can see for not sharing a password would be if I had a partner who was (for lack of a better phrase) 'overly intrusive'. Meaning that my partner felt I wasn't allowed to have any privacy at all, that every email, text, phone call, visit had to be 'reported' in detail to them, iyswim. It might make me feel that I needed to guard 'something' of my own, if just my phone. Or maybe if I were a spy Wink.

I, too, am wondering if you posted a recent thread about working away, flats or staying with a mate, etc. If you are the same poster, I'd be a bit worried.

I think the only way you'd discover his password would be if you powered down his phone and were able to watch him log it back in. Frankly, what you have (locked phone, deleted history, anger, etc) would be enough to send me running to a solicitor for a consultation and I'd also be starting to gather financial documentation and starting a 'fuck you fund'.

etttvatre · 10/02/2016 17:08

Grab his phone when he's sleeping and unlock it using his finger.

Sighing · 10/02/2016 17:18

Yup. To me a phone is private. I had a controlling ex who used to access my online accounts, pose as me chatting to friends, read my post as he thought that any "honest" relationship looked like that .... of course he might have been able to trust a partner if he was trustworthy! I trust DH to look at the photo/ website i am showing him. And I have no password on my phone.

But my ex has left me very defensive. If dh reads over my shoulder/ reads aloud a message from a friend when I'm in another room I get quite tense. Perhaps he's dealt with overly snooping partners before?