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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH secretive with his phone

58 replies

Snowflakes1122 · 10/02/2016 14:27

DH has always been this way, but it really bothers me!
He has it password protected, and will not tell me it.
He won't even let me hold it when he is showing me something on the screen.
He takes it to the loo with him, keeps it face down so can't see the screen too.
He is the same with his laptop. He gave me his old laptop, and he emptied the search history first (I know this as it was on the page to clear history when he gave it to me)

He has never cheated, but I hate being shut out of a part of his life like this.
I asked him one night if I could look through his phone and he went off to sleep in the spare room on a huff!

I don't mind him going on my phone or knowing my passwords on the other hand.

Is this normal behaviour? Should I let it go?

OP posts:

LucySnow12 · 10/02/2016 17:20

You could put a VAR - voice activated recorder - in his car.

donewithusernames · 10/02/2016 17:21

I am secretive with my phone and have nothing to hide. Sometimes my friends say dumb, unpredictable things and it flashes up on the screen. My H is also easily offended by things and takes things out of context sometimes so I'd just rather not have to waste my energy digging myself out of innocent holes.

Also stuff like what I choose to search for, what threads I read on mumsnet, what I am writing on mumsnet, notes I write to myself - I would not want DH to read. Not because it directly affronts our relationship but because I'd prefer someone else to not have access to my every stupid thought.

Abbinob · 10/02/2016 17:21

Im very secretive about my phone. Def not having an affair just don't want dp to see my weird Google searches, yesterdays was "poo chart what is normal" if he's always been like this it could just be how he is

whattodowiththepoo · 10/02/2016 17:22

I never let my phone out of my site and take it to the loo with me, I would never let anyone else use it but if DP was worried I would show her (it would annoy me though)

mintoil · 10/02/2016 17:53

His phone secrecy alone might not prove much, but coupled with everything else I would be a bit concerned I think.

What would happen if you said you wanted to talk about your sex life/didn't want him to move out into a flat?

Ceeceeindubai · 10/02/2016 18:20

If you are on both on the same itunes account you can download a program called DrFone (they have a free trial version but I paid 30 us dollars for the premium version) and download all of his messages, deleted or otherwise... I know this because my soon to be ex-husband did this to me! There was nothing to find but he was stupid enough to leave the program on the desktop so I just opened it, connected to his iphone via itunes and found loads of messages which showed he has been having a two year affair... it seems that his guilty conscious made him think that I was the guilty party when I was just floating along thinking that all was fine... a classic case of projection! good luck, but be prepared for the consequences of finding out!

david8341 · 11/02/2016 12:12

The phone and laptop stuff in itself is nothing. These days demanding access to someones phone is a bit like going through their diary.

There's nothing dodgy on my phone at all - I'm not doing anything dodgy - but I'd be really offended if my mrs asked me to hand it over. Maybe not sleep in the spare room offended though but I don't know. You're basically saying to him "I believe you're cheating, prove you're not".

Oysterbabe · 11/02/2016 12:28

It wouldn't occur to me to check DH's phone and he wouldn't touch mine. Trust is very important to me. I think it would be an invasion of his privacy.

peggyundercrackers · 11/02/2016 12:40

its called privacy - remember that thing we all used to have?

why do you want access to someone elses information so badly anyway? I would be suspicious of someone wanting access to my devices.

my laptop is private, my work is on it, pictures etc. I don't want anyone else messing around with my stuff - im not doing anything wrong at all but im not going to give access just because someone else wants to nose around.

im not interested in what DH does on his phone or ipad, he can do what he wants.

stumblymonkey · 11/02/2016 12:53

Sorry....I also echo pp...this is not normal.

Me and DP both have password protected phones but over the year we've been together situations have come up where we've needed to use the other's phone and so we both know each other's passcode.

We don't keep ours facedown...that is very dodgy in my opinion as he is obviously hiding notifications/texts from you.

We don't tend to use each other's laptops but if a situation arose where we needed to it wouldn't be an issue.

If it was just the internet that he was hiding I'd say it could be porn (which may or may not be an issue to you).

However hiding notifications/texts suggests something dodgier.

Personally I would want to know what was going on...I would sneakily watch him entering his pin code and would find a time to check it as his behaviour is very strange.

LurkingHusband · 11/02/2016 13:06

I can't even bring up the subject with him over his phone, as he will hit the roof and cause an argument rather than a discussion!

This alone is a red flag.

MLP · 11/02/2016 13:53

I think it's all the context. Yes, we all want privacy and there are things on my phone - off the cuff comments with GFs, web searches about Botox or whatever - that I wouldn't be excited about my DP seeing. However in a long term relationship there has to be trust and your situation as described is suspicious at best.

My DP is not remotely secretive with his phone. The kids and I know his password and he just leaves it lying around downstairs. Never takes it upstairs or to the loo nor gets bothered if the kids hog it for games. Doesn't seem that bothered if I casually check his text messages which I probably only done twice in about 10 years in fairness - purely because I was nosey. He only seems to text a couple of mates about going for a beer and sports stuff. Sure, he could have another phone somewhere and a secret life but he is always open about where he is and who is with.

If I was in your position I would be quite nervous something was going on. This seems well beyond normal privacy concerns.

MLP · 11/02/2016 13:58

I am also somewhat coloured about your situation because it sounds very similar to what happened to one of my best GFs. Her husband was always heading off to the bathroom with his phone and refusing to let her see it. He was banging his secretary and has now left his wife for her.

Slowdecrease · 12/02/2016 00:24

I'm a bit protective over my phone too and it generally comes everywhere with me. I have nothing at all to hide - however if my DP insisted on going through my phone the answer would be no - you either trust me or you don't, the minute he went through my phone to check up on me I know for a fact I would lose some respect for him. So I speak as an innocent person who doesn't who's phone is private. Then again we are very happy and sex life is brilliant, these may be important factors.

Lillygolightly · 12/02/2016 02:03

If I were you I'd put a pin lock on my phone, start taking it everywhere with me and generally behave in the same secretive way he does with his phone.

If he gets suspicious and maybe even perhaps accuses you of having an affair or hiding something you pretty much have an answer right there. He would reach this conclusion as it is the reason why he does what he does so he would assume your doing it too.

bb888 · 12/02/2016 05:56

This all sounds really dodgy, especially the face down thing as he is obviously expecting emails or notifications that he doesn't want you to see on the lock screen.

FredaMayor · 12/02/2016 09:12

"There's nothing dodgy on my phone at all"

david8341 that might be true, but how is OH to know that? This is 2016.

Oysterbabe · 12/02/2016 09:20

There used to be this thing called trust, remember that?

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 12/02/2016 09:43

It'd be weird if my husband and I couldn't pick up the other's phone or ipad to check the weather / plan a route on google map / buy something on Amazon if our own devices were in another part of the house. It's simply not a big deal and nor should it be I don't think.

But this is not really about a passcode on a phone, it's about his general behaviour. You feel uncomfortable and suspicious because something doesn't add up - so don't just ignore it but get to the bottom of it before it sends you round the bend.

FredaMayor · 12/02/2016 10:04

There used to be this thing called trust, remember that?

Yes I do. It could sometimes be misplaced. There are no rewards for being stupid and naïve, IME.

Think of communications awareness as reconnaissance. Time spent on recon is seldom wasted, goes the old maxim. Sometimes the news is good.

If OP feels unhappy OH should try to address that. Why ever would he not?

Micah · 12/02/2016 10:10

Im like that with my phone.

Not because i have anything to hide, but because im usually logged in to some forum or other and dh doesnt know about my forum addiction and that i have quite a few online friends!

I take it to the toilet because i like to play candy crush or something.

Back in the olden days, pre phone, i was exactly the same with books. Took one everywhere, and couldnt be parted from it.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/02/2016 10:13

There used to be this thing called trust, remember that?
Yes I do indeed.
I used to trust my ExH. But guess what??
Yes that's right. He used to do exactly what the OPs OH is doing and guess what?? Yes indeed, he was cheating on me.
This is a classic classic sign of that.
It's part of 'the script'
Thousands upon thousands of us know only too well.
We have experience and we have hindsight and that is what we are here for.
To pass on all of that.

As they they say:-
Trust takes years to build
Seconds to break
And forever to repair

category12 · 12/02/2016 10:22

I don't let anyone hold / look at my phone without me hovering worried. Because my bloke texts stuff that's just for me and it's tmi for anyone else.

I can't think of any reason I would be uncomfortable sharing my phone with him tho.

IrianofWay · 12/02/2016 10:48

Privacy is important. But so is trustworthiness. H had an brief affair 3 years ago which I only discovered because I broke the habits of a lifetime and looked at his text messages. He didn't delete them because he never thought I would look.

I don't look now but I know if I wanted to he wouldn't say no.

problembottom · 12/02/2016 11:05

DP gets uncomfortable when I have to use his phone. And I once (accidentally) found a pervy search term on his iPad which I still tease him about! I don't like it when he uses my phone either, messages of all kinds flash up on it and he comments on them. Maybe that doesn't sound annoying but it really is!

But your DH's behaviour sounds extreme. To get so irate? Always placing the phone face down? Sounds a bit off so I'd say no, that isn't normal and so I would want to look at this phone.

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