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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Had an affair, left DH and family have now disowned me.

32 replies

CityFox · 08/02/2016 11:50

DH and I had been married for 10 years, we have 3 DC.

I was not happy in the marriage. He drank a lot and could be a bully towards our eldest (not his biological child). He was bored a lot of the time which is why he said he drank. He rarely wanted to do things with the DH on the weekends as he was either hung over or 'just wanted to chill out'.

Apart from this he was a nice guy, people like him, he is very gregarious and kind and a hands on dad.

I met someone else. DM told DH she suspected we were having an affair and told him he needed to follow me and confront me. DH hit me, we separated and I started a relationship with the OM. DH moved in the DM temporarily...

Two years on and OM and I live together. Dh and I are amicable, he has a new partner and we split the house sale for amounts we were bith happy with.

DC are happy.

My Grandmother who is 95 refuses to speak to me after DM told her what I'd done. My brother has very little to do with me, nor my step sisters or aunt and uncle. My mother pretty much told anyone who'd listen what 'I'd done'. My mother tries to be very sweet and friendly when she sees me but is firmly in the ex-DH camp, in fact he has moved back in with her....

The family side of things really gets to me, I feel like some kind of pariah.

OP posts:
Original poster
CityFox · 08/02/2016 11:54

My mother left my father when we were young teenagers and screwed him over for every penny. She then pretty much left me and DB to fend for ourselves for a few years whilst she carried on with her new boyfriend.

I fell pregnant when I was 24, I had just finished uni and was renting a room in her mansion house while working. The same house she was awarded in the divorce to keep as a 'family home'. When I refused to have an abortion she chucked me out and changed the locks. It was a tough pregnancy and first year as I was completely alone, bar my dad. This took a while to get over.

OP posts:
silverfoxofwarwick1952 · 08/02/2016 11:55

Put everything on those hypothetical scales.

What you had, all of it on the left side. What you have now, all of it including the family stuff, on the right hand side.

Which side do you choose, now with hindsight?

Well, there is your answer.

Original poster
CityFox · 08/02/2016 12:04

I don't know if it's as simple as that.

DH and I weren't very happy in our marriage. I miss my family but unsure that after their reaction whether I would want them in my life anyway.

My Dad has been a rock, as has his partner and her children. My uncle and aunt of his side have stuck by me too.

OP posts:
catsrus · 08/02/2016 12:10

My Dad has been a rock, as has his partner and her children. My uncle and aunt of his side have stuck by me too

That's all you need. Stick with the people who have shown you that they love and care for you. Your DM and her family sound very disfunctional. I cannot imagine throwing out my pregnant daughter if I had the room to house her. That's just nasty.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/02/2016 12:22

Yes, stick with the good guys
DM in particular sounds very hard work

Good luck moving forwards

Original poster
CityFox · 08/02/2016 12:24

My partner and I have just found out we're expecting. We have been together for 2 years now, but the whole relationship is made to feel so sordid by their behaviour.

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 08/02/2016 12:26

why would you want a relationship with your mum when she treats you like this? And your gran who, tbh, won't be around much longer anyway at 95.

Maybe your mum's anger is more about her and her own mistakes re-surfacing than you choices now? Maybe she is angry you are happy and she wasn't?

Ignore and try to accept that some parents are just shit.

You might not have done things in the 'right order' but whose lives are lived perfectly?

Sparkletastic · 08/02/2016 12:27

Your mother sounds completely toxic. Try and see how much better your life would be without her or anyone foolish enough to be manipulated by her. Your marriage was unhappy and you both sound like you have established better new lives. Do you think you can stop caring what your dreadful excuse for a mother thinks of you? She can hardly claim the moral high ground.

tiredvommachine · 08/02/2016 12:27

Those who matter, don't mind.

Those who mind, don't matter.

Flowers
WitchyPoos · 08/02/2016 12:29

I do feel sad for you. Know exactly how it feels to be kicked out when pregnant. I was 18, I'm late 20s now and still not forgive or forgot. Your mum sounds a bit of a hypocrite by doing all that and then disowning you, if you don't mind me saying. My mum was the same, bit of a knobhead, and I couldn't do anything right so i threw all the shit she did in her face, it didn't solve anything but I felt better lol.

Your happy now and if your family can't be then so what, you have your dad and his side of the family like a previous poster said. Can imagine it still being hard though. Just keep away from them and leave them to it, and stick with the ones who stuck by you and stuff the rest.

Yseulte · 08/02/2016 12:33

You managed to get way from a lazy bully with a drink problem. You may not have done it in the most ethical way possible, but at this point who cares?

If your mother and ex want to hang out I'd leave them to it. They deserve each other by the sound of it.

tropicalfish · 08/02/2016 12:33

CityFox,
Someone else has already said but your mother has already treated you very badly. I think sometimes women are more biased and treat men more favourably than they treat women. I would just not care what they think, you need to make yourself and your new family happy now and make sure you never do to your children what your mother did to you.

TF

MissyMaker · 08/02/2016 12:34

They do not make your relationship with your new partner feel sordid. They can feel however they want to - it is their right. However, so can you. It sounds like you have a good, functional relationship with your ex and you are in a happy relationship. Empower yourself to feel good about that. Keep the good people close, and painlessly ease the others away.

Just remember that no-one can make you feel anything - only you can do that.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 08/02/2016 12:36

My god, the dysfunctionality of your ex living with your mother! That, tbh, says all you really need to know about your mother. She is never going to be on your side. She sounds mightily fucked up. Honestly, focus on the good people you do have in your life, and congratulations on the new baby.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 08/02/2016 12:43

Do your children live with you or them?

Original poster
CityFox · 08/02/2016 12:45

We share custody of DC, so I have them mainly during the week and every other weekend. They see an awful lot of ex DH and it works well.

OP posts:
skankingpiglet · 08/02/2016 12:46

OP it sounds like you have more than enough good supportive people around you. Don't mourn for the toxic ones who have chosen to cut themselves out of your life. I can understand you are sad about losing them, but they (and you) really are better off where they've placed them selves.

Stumbletrip40 · 08/02/2016 12:48

Cityfox maybe you need to get some counselling about why this bothers you so much so you can see a way past it - it sounds to me as though you have a lot of people in your life that love you, and a new life to look forward to. I understand why you're hurt but you can't make toxic people stop being toxic, you can only change your reaction.

Viviennemary · 08/02/2016 12:49

You did behave badly by having an affair. So the family has decided not to have anything to do with you. That's up to them. But you need to move on and stop worrying what they think about you. Even if I think you behaved badly that's my opinion. Most of us have done things people disapprove of. I wouldn't like my ex to be living with my mother regardless of circumstances. I agree this is a bit disfunctional.

Yseulte · 08/02/2016 12:50

Really, the only bit of 'bad' behaviour you thought to comment on was the OP's?

Yseulte · 08/02/2016 12:51

DM is a toxic nightmare, I wouldn't have any contact with her at all personally.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/02/2016 12:57

Can you persuade your Ex to move into his own place away from your DM
Especially with your DC going there regularly that muddies everything for you I think?
Then gradually distance yourself from toxic DM and maintain friendly as possible relationship with Ex (not forgetting that he hit you mind you)

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 08/02/2016 13:04

The real issue here is why it bothers you - you can't change them only how you react to it -

If it bothered you less it wouldn't hurt you as much -

Step back and concentrate on those who love you -

Millliii · 08/02/2016 13:23

You cant change their opinions of you and never will so don't even try.
The best thing you can do for your new partner and you and your kids is to let it go and move on and be happy. People will always believe what they want to whether it is fair or not and nothing you can do will change that. Thing is, you can let it ruin your life or you can try and accept that they are this way. This is your story and you did what was right for you at the time.

PippaB007 · 08/02/2016 13:23

It seems both you and your ex are happier out of the relationship than you were in it. You also have treated each other civilly, you both see the kids, and you dealt with the finances in a way that was fair to both parties.

No split is without its ugly moments, but it seems you both were adult about it, and acted to make yourselves happier, without disadvantaging your children.

Really, if anyone has a problem with that, it's their problem. Take support from where you get it, and get on with your happier life.