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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Had an affair, left DH and family have now disowned me.

32 replies

CityFox · 08/02/2016 11:50

DH and I had been married for 10 years, we have 3 DC.

I was not happy in the marriage. He drank a lot and could be a bully towards our eldest (not his biological child). He was bored a lot of the time which is why he said he drank. He rarely wanted to do things with the DH on the weekends as he was either hung over or 'just wanted to chill out'.

Apart from this he was a nice guy, people like him, he is very gregarious and kind and a hands on dad.

I met someone else. DM told DH she suspected we were having an affair and told him he needed to follow me and confront me. DH hit me, we separated and I started a relationship with the OM. DH moved in the DM temporarily...

Two years on and OM and I live together. Dh and I are amicable, he has a new partner and we split the house sale for amounts we were bith happy with.

DC are happy.

My Grandmother who is 95 refuses to speak to me after DM told her what I'd done. My brother has very little to do with me, nor my step sisters or aunt and uncle. My mother pretty much told anyone who'd listen what 'I'd done'. My mother tries to be very sweet and friendly when she sees me but is firmly in the ex-DH camp, in fact he has moved back in with her....

The family side of things really gets to me, I feel like some kind of pariah.

OP posts:

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Stumbletrip40 · 08/02/2016 17:02

i agree - taking your ex in is a very obvious and hurtful way of taking sides against you and does sound spiteful. I completely get why you're hurt, most people wouldn't do this and as you say, he was a bully and had a drink problem. You can only reconcile with someone that accepts they didn't act perfectly either, doesn't sound that this is your mum's case.

Millliii · 08/02/2016 16:36

City I was no contact with my parents for 20 years. It was good in that their toxic ways didn't affect me but there was always hurt underneath for me. They came looking for me a couple of years ago and at first I didn't want to see them as I didn't want to disrupt my life. I asked my mum if she were ill and she was so I relented. She wasn't terminal or anything but I met up with them and I was very glad I did. It wasn't easy but they had changed and were more careful of what they said to me and more considerate as they didn't want to lose our new connection. Roll on a couple more years and they have been to see me again. (they are in another country far away). My father is terminal now and Im so glad I had some time with both of them as I might not get another chance. We talked and I asked about their childhoods and developed some insight into their behaviour traits. This in no way excuses them because we can all change how we behave if we want to, but I felt I understood them more. BUT this wouldn't have happened if they had not changed and wanted to improve our relationship and rebuild it. You chasing your mother for approval will never end well. Time and distance and no contact may be a good thing for you from her and your other family so that you can do some work on yourself and realise that you are not who they depict you as being. Maybe your mother will herself come to miss you and will have to do some deep soul searching herself. Maybe.

She may be harbouring your ex as a way of spiting you and to punish you.
Sounds like she is not someone you want you or your children to be around to be honest. Very toxic.

expatinscotland · 08/02/2016 14:14

The only thing there is to resolve is for you to realise your mother is a toxic lunatic and you don't need her.

Twinklestein · 08/02/2016 13:59

I wouldn't bother, she sounds quite mad.

You don't have to cut her out completely if you don't want to, but I don't think there's anything to 'resolve' here.

CityFox · 08/02/2016 13:47

Thank you so much for all the wise words and support

A friend of mines mother has just died. They weren't on speaking terms (her mother was horrendous by all accounts) and she has told me she's really struggling with the fact it was left unresolved. She advised me to speak to my mother.

I am wondering whether to write her a letter explaining why I don't want to speak to her and why I feel she let me down.

OP posts:

VintageTrouble · 08/02/2016 13:35

He hit you. Your DM is housing a man that was domestically violent to her daughter.

Fuck 'em.

After what your mother has put you through you sound remarkably well balanced

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/02/2016 13:33

another to say that that your Mother sounds like quite a piece of work.

I mean WHO chucks out their pregnant child?

Try and focus on all the good and strong relationships, and it might help you to read that thread about toxic parents

look 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce, and your mums behaviour has been bizarre frankly!

PippaB007 · 08/02/2016 13:23

It seems both you and your ex are happier out of the relationship than you were in it. You also have treated each other civilly, you both see the kids, and you dealt with the finances in a way that was fair to both parties.

No split is without its ugly moments, but it seems you both were adult about it, and acted to make yourselves happier, without disadvantaging your children.

Really, if anyone has a problem with that, it's their problem. Take support from where you get it, and get on with your happier life.

Millliii · 08/02/2016 13:23

You cant change their opinions of you and never will so don't even try.
The best thing you can do for your new partner and you and your kids is to let it go and move on and be happy. People will always believe what they want to whether it is fair or not and nothing you can do will change that. Thing is, you can let it ruin your life or you can try and accept that they are this way. This is your story and you did what was right for you at the time.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 08/02/2016 13:04

The real issue here is why it bothers you - you can't change them only how you react to it -

If it bothered you less it wouldn't hurt you as much -

Step back and concentrate on those who love you -

JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/02/2016 12:57

Can you persuade your Ex to move into his own place away from your DM
Especially with your DC going there regularly that muddies everything for you I think?
Then gradually distance yourself from toxic DM and maintain friendly as possible relationship with Ex (not forgetting that he hit you mind you)

Yseulte · 08/02/2016 12:51

DM is a toxic nightmare, I wouldn't have any contact with her at all personally.

Yseulte · 08/02/2016 12:50

Really, the only bit of 'bad' behaviour you thought to comment on was the OP's?

Viviennemary · 08/02/2016 12:49

You did behave badly by having an affair. So the family has decided not to have anything to do with you. That's up to them. But you need to move on and stop worrying what they think about you. Even if I think you behaved badly that's my opinion. Most of us have done things people disapprove of. I wouldn't like my ex to be living with my mother regardless of circumstances. I agree this is a bit disfunctional.

Stumbletrip40 · 08/02/2016 12:48

Cityfox maybe you need to get some counselling about why this bothers you so much so you can see a way past it - it sounds to me as though you have a lot of people in your life that love you, and a new life to look forward to. I understand why you're hurt but you can't make toxic people stop being toxic, you can only change your reaction.

skankingpiglet · 08/02/2016 12:46

OP it sounds like you have more than enough good supportive people around you. Don't mourn for the toxic ones who have chosen to cut themselves out of your life. I can understand you are sad about losing them, but they (and you) really are better off where they've placed them selves.

CityFox · 08/02/2016 12:45

We share custody of DC, so I have them mainly during the week and every other weekend. They see an awful lot of ex DH and it works well.

OP posts:

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 08/02/2016 12:43

Do your children live with you or them?

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 08/02/2016 12:36

My god, the dysfunctionality of your ex living with your mother! That, tbh, says all you really need to know about your mother. She is never going to be on your side. She sounds mightily fucked up. Honestly, focus on the good people you do have in your life, and congratulations on the new baby.

MissyMaker · 08/02/2016 12:34

They do not make your relationship with your new partner feel sordid. They can feel however they want to - it is their right. However, so can you. It sounds like you have a good, functional relationship with your ex and you are in a happy relationship. Empower yourself to feel good about that. Keep the good people close, and painlessly ease the others away.

Just remember that no-one can make you feel anything - only you can do that.

tropicalfish · 08/02/2016 12:33

CityFox,
Someone else has already said but your mother has already treated you very badly. I think sometimes women are more biased and treat men more favourably than they treat women. I would just not care what they think, you need to make yourself and your new family happy now and make sure you never do to your children what your mother did to you.
TF

Yseulte · 08/02/2016 12:33

You managed to get way from a lazy bully with a drink problem. You may not have done it in the most ethical way possible, but at this point who cares?

If your mother and ex want to hang out I'd leave them to it. They deserve each other by the sound of it.

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WitchyPoos · 08/02/2016 12:29

I do feel sad for you. Know exactly how it feels to be kicked out when pregnant. I was 18, I'm late 20s now and still not forgive or forgot. Your mum sounds a bit of a hypocrite by doing all that and then disowning you, if you don't mind me saying. My mum was the same, bit of a knobhead, and I couldn't do anything right so i threw all the shit she did in her face, it didn't solve anything but I felt better lol.

Your happy now and if your family can't be then so what, you have your dad and his side of the family like a previous poster said. Can imagine it still being hard though. Just keep away from them and leave them to it, and stick with the ones who stuck by you and stuff the rest.

tiredvommachine · 08/02/2016 12:27

Those who matter, don't mind.

Those who mind, don't matter.

Sparkletastic · 08/02/2016 12:27

Your mother sounds completely toxic. Try and see how much better your life would be without her or anyone foolish enough to be manipulated by her. Your marriage was unhappy and you both sound like you have established better new lives. Do you think you can stop caring what your dreadful excuse for a mother thinks of you? She can hardly claim the moral high ground.

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