Had an affair, left DH and family have now disowned me.

[CityFox]

DH and I had been married for 10 years, we have 3 DC.

I was not happy in the marriage. He drank a lot and could be a bully towards our eldest (not his biological child). He was bored a lot of the time which is why he said he drank. He rarely wanted to do things with the DH on the weekends as he was either hung over or 'just wanted to chill out'.

Apart from this he was a nice guy, people like him, he is very gregarious and kind and a hands on dad.

I met someone else. DM told DH she suspected we were having an affair and told him he needed to follow me and confront me. DH hit me, we separated and I started a relationship with the OM. DH moved in the DM temporarily...

Two years on and OM and I live together. Dh and I are amicable, he has a new partner and we split the house sale for amounts we were bith happy with.

DC are happy.

My Grandmother who is 95 refuses to speak to me after DM told her what I'd done. My brother has very little to do with me, nor my step sisters or aunt and uncle. My mother pretty much told anyone who'd listen what 'I'd done'. My mother tries to be very sweet and friendly when she sees me but is firmly in the ex-DH camp, in fact he has moved back in with her....

The family side of things really gets to me, I feel like some kind of pariah.

another to say that that your Mother sounds like quite a piece of work.

I mean WHO chucks out their pregnant child?

Try and focus on all the good and strong relationships, and it might help you to read that thread about toxic parents

look 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce, and your mums behaviour has been bizarre frankly!

He hit you. Your DM is housing a man that was domestically violent to her daughter.

Fuck 'em.

After what your mother has put you through you sound remarkably well balanced

Thank you so much for all the wise words and support

A friend of mines mother has just died. They weren't on speaking terms (her mother was horrendous by all accounts) and she has told me she's really struggling with the fact it was left unresolved. She advised me to speak to my mother.

I am wondering whether to write her a letter explaining why I don't want to speak to her and why I feel she let me down.

I wouldn't bother, she sounds quite mad.

You don't have to cut her out completely if you don't want to, but I don't think there's anything to 'resolve' here.

The only thing there is to resolve is for you to realise your mother is a toxic lunatic and you don't need her.

City I was no contact with my parents for 20 years. It was good in that their toxic ways didn't affect me but there was always hurt underneath for me. They came looking for me a couple of years ago and at first I didn't want to see them as I didn't want to disrupt my life. I asked my mum if she were ill and she was so I relented. She wasn't terminal or anything but I met up with them and I was very glad I did. It wasn't easy but they had changed and were more careful of what they said to me and more considerate as they didn't want to lose our new connection. Roll on a couple more years and they have been to see me again. (they are in another country far away). My father is terminal now and Im so glad I had some time with both of them as I might not get another chance. We talked and I asked about their childhoods and developed some insight into their behaviour traits. This in no way excuses them because we can all change how we behave if we want to, but I felt I understood them more. BUT this wouldn't have happened if they had not changed and wanted to improve our relationship and rebuild it. You chasing your mother for approval will never end well. Time and distance and no contact may be a good thing for you from her and your other family so that you can do some work on yourself and realise that you are not who they depict you as being. Maybe your mother will herself come to miss you and will have to do some deep soul searching herself. Maybe.

She may be harbouring your ex as a way of spiting you and to punish you.
Sounds like she is not someone you want you or your children to be around to be honest. Very toxic.

i agree - taking your ex in is a very obvious and hurtful way of taking sides against you and does sound spiteful. I completely get why you're hurt, most people wouldn't do this and as you say, he was a bully and had a drink problem. You can only reconcile with someone that accepts they didn't act perfectly either, doesn't sound that this is your mum's case.