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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is wrong with him?

67 replies

mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 20:12

H was caught using escorts a couple of years ago. Completely off his trolley.
I decided to stay I really don't know why. Anyway I still have trust issues and if I try to speak to him he causes an argument and walks out or starts crazy making verbal gymnastics. Hardly going to help is it.
So I asked that he be more transparent but this has had the opposite effect and he walks round with a watch and phone on silent in his pocket. Seems genuinely hurt when I point this out.
So asked for financials and he argued all weekend saying I only wanted to know so I could leave. I said it doesn't matter why as marriage is a partnership.
He feels I am manipulating him if I mention any of the above and calls me crazy or runs off.
God this sounds really bad but I really think he would rather see me mentally ill than take on my concerns. He says I'm trying to ruin his life.

OP posts:
VoyageOfDad · 31/01/2016 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 20:25

Iyou mean he might be carrying on. He keeps giving his word and then not being transparent. He gets angry if I am needy and says he doesn't need reminding about the past.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 31/01/2016 20:27

Do you want to stay married to him ? He doesn't sound like a very good husband

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 20:31

well I thought I did but I can't cope with the lack of emotional support.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 20:33

I agree if its going to work I need to let go of it but how can I when he does the opposite of what I ask. Thoughtless which leaves me insecure.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 31/01/2016 20:35

No if it's going to work HE needs to earn your trust and respect, so that YOU can feel confident to let it go.

What actual actions has he taken to do that? Not what he's said. What he's done.

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 20:39

Lots of money stuff such as buying things and holidays but that wasn't what I needed. I needed to be able to talk to him but he won't.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 20:41

He says he's too ashamed to talk about it. Says I am paranoid. Which I probably am.

OP posts:
VoyageOfDad · 31/01/2016 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 20:50

yes he has made the decision that he is clean and cannot comprehend my concerns. Says I'm doing it on purpose because I like to create drama.

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 31/01/2016 20:53

Or maybe you don't trust him because he is a dishonest cheat?

Why did you stay I wonder.

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 21:01

I stayed because I wanted everything to be ok. If I am needy he creates huge rows rather than talk to me and tries to turn things on me which leaves me reeling. So what with the toxic rowing I can't get over it, he wants to sweep it under the carpet.
I just want a normal give and take relationship. He sees a specialist and all he talks about is me and how I can't let it go.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/01/2016 21:04

I just want a normal give and take relationship.

Well, if you want one of those, you'll have to get rid of this obnoxious bully first.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2016 21:06

God, who could be arsed with this ?

Just dump the cheating bastard. What the hell are you jumping through hoops for ? He is worth shit

summerwinterton · 31/01/2016 21:47

But it isn't ok and it never will be. Why on earth you think you deserve this utter shite is completely beyond me. He is no prize.

I hope you get some sti testing too.

You will never have a normal relationship with him or someone like him. Get rid and sort out some counselling to establish why on earth you think you deserve this crap. And who cares what he says to his specialist - a load of utter tosh probably.

Resilience16 · 31/01/2016 22:13

This man is emotionally abusive. You need to acknowledge that and get out. I am really sorry but this relationship is never going to be ok. His behaviour is toxic, and the fact that he goes to his specialist and blames you rather than focussing on addressing his many issues shows that he has no insight into his behaviour and no intention of changing.
I know it is a horrible situation to be in, I have been in a similar situation,and I know it can be hard to let go of the dream of happy families, but this isn't going to get better and if you stay it will grind you down.
Get out, get away. You don't need the drama and you deserve better.
Good luck x

Fallandfly · 31/01/2016 22:20

If he was genuinely remorseful snd wanted to make things better he would be doing everything to show he was sorry and make you feel safe, secure and, lived. He would let you access his phone and do everything possible to rebuild the trust. He appears to want to just forget it and gets anger that you are, justifiably, insecure because of what he did. That isn't a man who wants to rebuild his relationship. It's a man who just wants you to shut up and forget. You deserve so much better than that.

Fallandfly · 31/01/2016 22:21

^loved

WalkingBlind · 31/01/2016 22:37

It's fairly reasonable to assume he's turning the tables on you because he still has something to hide. An innocent person would just be transparent (even begrudgingly) just to prove their innocence. Guilty people tend to say "I shouldn't have to prove myself to you"

Sorry OP, I think you deserve better, especially to try and forgive cheating and get nothing in return Flowers

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 22:39

Thanks for all your replies. My mental health would improve if he left but he won't and I have nowhere to go.
I can tell that he has been telling his specialist that I am a passive aggressive bully and an addict. I got drunk at Xmas a few times as the stress got to me.
I'm just so disappointed that he's turning it on me. He believes it.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 22:45

If I ask for access to his bank account( he can look at mine) he goes ballistic saying I'm going to blame him. In fact rages.
He also lied about our mortgage amount saying it was higher than it was to frighten me? He says I'll be sorry when I'm on my own.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 31/01/2016 22:48

Why do you feel you have nowhere to go?
Don't you work?
Or have a parent you can return to?

Nice that the way he tried to get you on side after paying for sex was to buy you things.

Well - you're not a prostitute, turns out you weren't for sale, huh?

  1. It is not paranoia not to trust someone who has already proved themselves untrustworthy in a massive way. That's not being paranoid, it's being sensible.
  1. Needing something (explanations, truth, reassurance, love) from a partner is not being "needy" - it's just a normal need.

Dump his sorry prostitute fucking arse.

Cabrinha · 31/01/2016 22:50

Why on earth does he have access to your bank account?! Shock

Cabrinha · 31/01/2016 22:50

You won't be sorry when you're on your own. You'll be relieved, not stressed and not getting drunk to cope.

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 22:56

He doesn't but I would show him straight away if asked. I have nothing to hide. He just doesn't get it.
Actually says I construct when I'm going to ask for support to give him the most trouble. Says I go on and on. He dismisses me.
I kept thinking if I could shut up I could make it better but I can't.
Tonight I asked him to leave and he hit me across the head with a light box. Then avoided me all night in his bedroom. He snores.

OP posts:
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