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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is wrong with him?

67 replies

mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 20:12

H was caught using escorts a couple of years ago. Completely off his trolley.
I decided to stay I really don't know why. Anyway I still have trust issues and if I try to speak to him he causes an argument and walks out or starts crazy making verbal gymnastics. Hardly going to help is it.
So I asked that he be more transparent but this has had the opposite effect and he walks round with a watch and phone on silent in his pocket. Seems genuinely hurt when I point this out.
So asked for financials and he argued all weekend saying I only wanted to know so I could leave. I said it doesn't matter why as marriage is a partnership.
He feels I am manipulating him if I mention any of the above and calls me crazy or runs off.
God this sounds really bad but I really think he would rather see me mentally ill than take on my concerns. He says I'm trying to ruin his life.

OP posts:
Bake62 · 31/01/2016 22:57

Why are you doing this OP when you know you shouldn't?

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 22:59

He has parents and a rental house. My parents have both died. I really don't have anywhere to go and he has but he says he will stay till I see a solicitor and put the house on the market.

OP posts:
Bake62 · 31/01/2016 23:00

They only time love is and should be unconditional is for a child.

Every other love is conditional on their kindness and consideration.

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 23:00

You are right I know I shouldn't. Denial maybe.

OP posts:
Bake62 · 31/01/2016 23:02

Do you have friends?

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 23:05

Yes I have a good support network and a good job. They are all married with kids though. I have three at uni. My only option would be to rent a room. The shame of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 23:07

It all went haywire when I drew a boundary and said there is no relationship because of his behaviour. He then blames me and says I'm unkind.

OP posts:
Bake62 · 31/01/2016 23:08

what shame?
how old are you?
how old is he?
who owns the house?

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 23:11

We are late 40s. The shame of me having to leave my home because I can't cope.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/01/2016 23:11

See a solicitor and put the house on the market. That's what he has told you is needed, so do it.

It didn't go haywire, he showed his true colours. That's different.

Will your half of the equity be enough for a deposit on a flat?

summerwinterton · 31/01/2016 23:13

he hit you over the head - you have phoned the police?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/01/2016 23:13

Shame on your DH for fucking prostitutes and behaving since then like a total twatbadger.

Shame on you if you stay and "cope".

By "cope" you just mean put up with his crap without moaning. That's not coping. That's being crushed into submission by a bully.

Bake62 · 31/01/2016 23:13

who owns the house, is it joint?

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 23:13

Probably enough for small house or flat will see solicitor next week but keep quiet about it till I feel in control.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/01/2016 23:14

What's a light box?

summerwinterton · 31/01/2016 23:14

You need Women's Aid too btw

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 23:17

I do indeed. The box was a ready meal wrapper. What can WA do?

OP posts:
Bake62 · 31/01/2016 23:18

Tell your closest friend and make a plan to get out. He's shown you he's violent so involve women aid and the police in the morning.

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 23:19

He says I'm aggressive in the way I speak to him but it's out of fear.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 23:22

Thanks everyone. Thought I had lost the plot. Will gather strength and resources. There's no point in staying. Most of the time my mind is in freeze mode and hours pass. Glad you saw things as I did.

OP posts:
mum2mum99 · 31/01/2016 23:22

So it comes down to one thing each time: it is all your fault. can you see the pattern?

Bake62 · 31/01/2016 23:24

So he hit you with a wrapper?

The relationship is over OP, he's a disrespectful pig by what you write.

Divorce him.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2016 23:27

This man is abusive....physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and I would bet my last penny sexually.

There is nothing left to stay for. Leave him.

tipsytrifle · 31/01/2016 23:42

This sounds absolutely awful and abusive. On the finances alone it's unworkable. Shut down any access he has to view or acquire any of yours as of now. Change passwords if it's online.

There is violence brewing but the slow build up to boil keeps you sleepy-eyed and doubting yourself, unaware of the danger escalating. You haven't lost the plot, you're ready to tear up this script and write a new one I think. Trust yourself. Instinct is screaming the truth of the relationship at you. Please listen to it.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/02/2016 15:50

He says I'm trying to ruin his life
Good grief. This is not OK. He's not a teenager.
Get to a solicitor. Call Womens Aid.
Get the house on the market and get the fuck away from this arsehole.