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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell her?

72 replies

Nabootique · 30/01/2016 09:44

This sort of thing has probably been done to death, but this is the first time I've been in this situation. I was seeing someone for a couple of months, very full on, said he loved me. He broke it off a couple of weeks ago but stayed friends, still being very flirty via text. I just found out he has a girlfriend and they were definitely together for the duration of our relationship. Would you do anything? I have told him I know, but can't see him coming clean himself.

OP posts:
stumblymonkey · 30/01/2016 10:23

I can only give my personal opinion...

I was in a similar situation...and I did tell her.
Partly because I would definitely want to know if the situation was reversed, I wouldn't want to be wasting my life on a cheating lying arse.

Partly because I felt that his behaviour should have some consequences for him.

I haven't regretted it.

That being said....if you choose to tell her you really need to tell her some details (dates, etc) as he will try to make out that you're some kind of crazy stalker. At least if you give her sufficient details he'll be less likely to be able to wriggle out of it.

Original poster
Nabootique · 30/01/2016 10:25

Yes, I thought that. I have all our texts so have screenshots, and also some pictures he sent.

OP posts:
Epilepsyhelp · 30/01/2016 10:30

I was in this situation and didn't tell her. Didn't tell him I knew either, just ghosted him. My computer whiz friend found out for me through Facebook when I'd had some suspicions, his was so locked down but eventually he found hers and they looked so happy together, I figured it just wasn't my place. Not sure I was right but couldn't bring myself to turn her life upside down.

FunkyPeacock · 30/01/2016 10:31

Personally I would just put it behind you and move on

Unless you know the girl, have mutual friends or any other connection that means your paths are likely to cross in the future then I would not get myself involved

Original poster
Nabootique · 30/01/2016 10:35

Yeah, she seems to really worship him and I don't want to cause her pain Sad Just he doesn't deserve her devotion. Really hope she finds out for herself.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2016 10:39

A girlfriend ? No kids ?

Nope, I would stay away from that one. You will simply be painted as a mad woman.

I presume you are cutting contact with him ? I would make him sweat by telling him you are considering forwarding some if the pictures to him though, just before you tell him to fuck right off and block him.

SerenityReynolds · 30/01/2016 10:41

Neither is ideal, but if I was her I would want to know. If he's cheated on her with you, chances are he'll do it again in the future. Maybe when they're married with kids. Offer her the choice of whether she wants to give any more of her life over to this knob. If she stays with him, at least she's going into it with her eyes open.

antimatter · 30/01/2016 10:43

I would def want to know.

Original poster
Nabootique · 30/01/2016 10:44

I think I said enough to make him sweat. He's probably already blocked my phone number, but I've not tried it since I let on that I know. No, no kids. I did wonder about the mad woman thing, but it is unequivocal evidence, phone number and dates visible. I think I will leave it. Just feel really sorry for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nabootique · 30/01/2016 10:45

Serenity yeah, that's what I thought. God forbid she settles down with the arse.

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 30/01/2016 10:50

I would def tell her, if it were me in your shoes. Plus it's great you've got evidence to prove he's a decietful fucking wanker!
Like Stumbly upthread says, why should his behaviour have no consequences? Plus I'd wanna know if my OH was doing the dirty on me.
Personally, as long as ur not motivated by revenge, I would feel it's my moral duty to tell her. Poor lass can then make an informed decision as to wot to do about it.
My conscience would havee do the right thing, personally. Wouldn't u want to know, in her shoes??

AnyFucker · 30/01/2016 10:53

Sorry, I meant forwarding pics to his gf but you got it.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/01/2016 10:54

I would tell her but be prepared for the fallout (eg abuse from him and her not believing you). He and probably she could say you are lying or that you're telling for revenge, spite etc.

Hard call this one.... Very tempting to say ignore it.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/01/2016 10:55

Moomin in OPs shoes and most people's shoes don't you think in a situation like this there is almost always an element of revenge and slight anger/irritation etc? I think so.

Original poster
Nabootique · 30/01/2016 11:00

I am definitely angry, which is why I haven't done anything yet.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2016 11:02

Good idea to not do anything in anger.

Original poster
Nabootique · 30/01/2016 11:08

Yeah, I didn't want that to be my reason for doing it if I did decide to.

OP posts:
janaus · 30/01/2016 11:08

Yes tell her. She deserves to know. Give her enough details so that he is unable to minimise it, or shift the blame on to her. You were an innocent party. He has hurt you both.

Trills · 30/01/2016 11:08

I think that her life will be better in the long run if she finds out about his cheating sooner rather than later.

Definitely a good idea to wait a bit until you are not angry, and to plan exactly what you are going to share with her (ideally all in one go so you don't have to argue and defend yourself etc).

stumblymonkey · 30/01/2016 11:09

My issue is....what if she marries him?

God, it doesn't bear thinking about that she might waste her future on him. You won't be the last affair he has and she'll catch him out later and it will be even worse.

MoominPie22 · 30/01/2016 11:12

Superfly, undoubtedly, as I said...why should he feel he can behave like that, disrespecting 2 women who trusted him and get off scott free? No way, he should b held to account by his girlfriend.
I meant more, as long as u aren't motivated to tell purely out of spite! If your motivation is to do the right thing cos ur empathising with the girlfriend, and ur a person of morals, then that's different entirely. The woman has every right to know so she can choose wot to do in an informed manner.
How many women do u hear saying, "I wish I'd never been informed my partner was cheating on me"? Save her the heartache of goin on to have kids with him too.
For me this is a no brainer.

abbsismyhero · 30/01/2016 11:26

tell her if he has done it once he may do it again she may go on to have kids and that will be messy

just make sure you stick to the facts and never take him back you know what he is like

tuilamum · 30/01/2016 11:48

I wouldn't worry about being painted as crazy or lying, I'm assuming you don't have any mutual friends or you would have found out about her earlier so what does it matter? You provide the evidence and then she chooses to believe it or not, don't get involved in trying to convince her. I feel sorry for her and I think she'd be more upset to find out later and feel even more foolish.
I think its a tough thing to do but its the right thing, there's no point protecting her happiness if its built on his lies. She might hate you for it but in the end its better she finds someone who respects her.

VintageTrouble · 30/01/2016 11:51

I would always tell her Confused why should the cheating little shit have no come back and some poor woman carry on a relationship in ignorance?

winkywinkola · 30/01/2016 12:01

I would tell her. Always.

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