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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell her?

72 replies

Nabootique · 30/01/2016 09:44

This sort of thing has probably been done to death, but this is the first time I've been in this situation. I was seeing someone for a couple of months, very full on, said he loved me. He broke it off a couple of weeks ago but stayed friends, still being very flirty via text. I just found out he has a girlfriend and they were definitely together for the duration of our relationship. Would you do anything? I have told him I know, but can't see him coming clean himself.

OP posts:
bb888 · 30/01/2016 12:05

I think she deserves to know before she makes any long term decisions on the basis of incomplete information.

Original poster
Nabootique · 30/01/2016 16:56

The consensus seems to be I should tell her. I asked a few friends and got two votes for each choice.

OP posts:
Claraoswald36 · 30/01/2016 17:04

You don't know she doesn't know.

Original poster
Nabootique · 30/01/2016 17:13

I suppose not. If she does know then it doesn't really matter if I tell her again, does it?

OP posts:
Lillygolightly · 30/01/2016 17:23

I would want to know. I might not want to hear it but I would definitely want to know.

Some people don't want to know though do they, some people are quiet happy burying their head in the sand. Ignorance can be bliss!

It's a tough one, and if you do tell her it's likely to be a bit of a thankless task. Regardless off whether you knew about her or not, to her your the OW.

A long time ago, I spoke to the OW...who incidentally didn't know about me either but she gave me the truth when none was forthcoming I shall be forever grateful for that as it saved me in many ways though it did hurt too as I tortuted myself with some of the things I found out. Nevertheless it was the truth and I was better knowing the truth.

Original poster
Nabootique · 30/01/2016 17:39

Thank you for sharing Lilly. I'm sorry you went through that.

OP posts:
MrTCakes · 30/01/2016 17:53

Same thing happened to me last year. I had been seeing him for a few months and found out he had a girlfriend of 7 years. I gave him a week to tell her himself - he didn't, so I did. She was heartbroken but thanked me for telling her. I would want to know if I was being cheated on.

Original poster
Nabootique · 30/01/2016 17:54

How did you tell her MrT?

OP posts:
MrTCakes · 30/01/2016 18:05

Facebook message.
I didn't put too much info in the message as it was hurtful enough, but I offered to send evidence if she wanted it. She was so upset but thanked me for telling her and even apologised for what he had done!
Daft I know but I was proud of her.

Original poster
Nabootique · 30/01/2016 18:11

I was wondering about Facebook. In my experience if you send or receive a message and you're not friends I thought it went in the Other folder and you don't get a notification. It happened when I sent a message to a colleague I'm not friends with recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nabootique · 30/01/2016 18:13

I'd have been proud of her too.

OP posts:
MrTCakes · 30/01/2016 18:18

Yes it went to her 'other' folder. After a week she hadn't read it so I sent a friend request which she accepted and saw it then.
I think it has changed now - they get a message request if they don't know you.

stumblymonkey · 30/01/2016 18:19

I did exactly the same as MrT

Original poster
Nabootique · 30/01/2016 18:21

Ah, it sends a notification like that on Messenger. I remember from when I had it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nabootique · 30/01/2016 18:23

I'm just thinking if he's prepped her she wouldn't accept the request.

OP posts:
stumblymonkey · 30/01/2016 18:52

Only one way to know...

MrTCakes · 30/01/2016 19:27

Even if he has warned her, she might still want to hear your side of it.

Original poster
Nabootique · 30/01/2016 19:34

True. I meant more that he might have said a mad woman may get in touch to stir stuff up. He told me he had a psychotic ex girlfriend Hmm

OP posts:
MrTCakes · 30/01/2016 19:43

Ah they always have though haven't they?!
And why would some random mad woman pick on a stranger?

Valentine2 · 30/01/2016 19:46

I would like to be told too. I think you should do it.

Makemineacabsauv · 30/01/2016 19:49

I've been in similar situations twice - once I found out a friends dp had been having an affair (I knew the ow through work and she opened up one day after she'd been for an AIDS test. I didn't know she'd been sleeping with my friends dp till then). I told my friend for health and moral reasons. She was grateful (he hated me) but stayed with him and we eventually lost touch. Her choice though and she knew the facts.
The other one was a friends dh caught on Internet dating and she was so grateful I told her. She was gutted but so grateful I'd told her especially when she realised loads of people knew but hadn't told her. She felt like a fool. She kicked him out in the end - set up a honey trap for him and he walked right in to it.
My ex cheated on me and I would much rather know.
I would tell her.

spudlike1 · 30/01/2016 20:05

Tell her ..send all the evidence you have .

wickedlazy · 30/01/2016 20:10

I'd rather know. If there were screenshots I'd rather see them myself, then I would leave him. I know if I saw the proof something would snap, and I'd not want him near me again.

spudlike1 · 30/01/2016 20:20

Why should he get away with this sort of behaviour

spudlike1 · 30/01/2016 20:21

And why should she have to put up.with the turd