Do I tell her?

[Nabootique]

This sort of thing has probably been done to death, but this is the first time I've been in this situation. I was seeing someone for a couple of months, very full on, said he loved me. He broke it off a couple of weeks ago but stayed friends, still being very flirty via text. I just found out he has a girlfriend and they were definitely together for the duration of our relationship. Would you do anything? I have told him I know, but can't see him coming clean himself.

Thanks for the comments everyone. If I do this, what screenshots do I send? I don't know what's less hurtful to her, the lovey dovey ones or the sexual ones.

That is is tough ...can you just tell her in the first instance . Offer her proof if she wants it thereby minimising the hurt .

Just send them all. I would, why not? Or are you first gonna ask if she´d like the evidence you have?

BUt unless there´s tonnes, just send them all Good luck, you´re 100% doing the right thing.

The thing is, if he's said something like "oh I've got a mad stalker. She might try and contact you" I could be blocked in disbelief after the first message without having sent anything. Maybe I'll send enough to give an overview of what happened and for how long without anything too graphic. We've exchanged something like 6500 texts but I just took 10 screenshots to choose from. Thanks for the luck.

How did you find out lazy?

Another vote for tell her, I wish someone had told me. Good luck op.

You can't make someone believe you if they don't want to, but at least your conscience would be clear. I've tried to warn another woman about a bloke I knew to be emotionally abusive and she seemed to ignore it at the time but eventually they split.

Yes good luck Let us know how it goes

Tell her, not anonymously , be available to answer questions.

I agree that you should tell her. Good idea to send a bit of proof with the initial message. Poor woman, she is going to he so hurt. What a nasty piece of work he is.

Definitely would be available for questions. Not like he's going to fill in the blanks accurately

I'd want to know.

I'm eternally grateful to the OW when she let me know my BF was cheating. She was very clear -- provided proof when I asked for it, assured me she had no idea he had a partner and that she wanted nothing more to do with him. I thanked her and we parted on good terms.

Was she motivated (even a little bit) by revenge? Who knows -- she'd have had to be superhuman not to have felt a flicker of pleasure at the thought of the cheating arsehole getting dumped by both women. In the end, I cared less about her motives and more about his actions.

Thanks Tiger. That's helpful. I think I will tell her but I'm going to leave it a couple of days as I want him to have relaxed a bit and be caught on the back foot. Also gives me time to really plan what I want to say.

Op

I am sorry this happened to you
You were hurt and mislaid by this man and now you have this responsibility on your shoulders
It isn't fair

Yes I do think you should tell her
It doesn't sound to me as if you are driven by bitterness in this particular instance . More solidarity of sisterhood sort of thing .

Keep it short but " sweet " ( hardly I know but you get my drift )
I agree with the poster who said just offer her the basic info and say if she wants proof you can show her text and photos there and then if she wishes ... but you don't want to hurt her further.

Lovey Dovey or sex text ??? I know this sounds weird but for me I think the sex ones would hurt more ! Don't know why . I guess a lot of women would say the opposite .

Maybe prepare yourself for the fact she may not thank or hug it out with you .?

Then walk away
He is a smelly pig of a man but he is somebody else's smelly pig to deal with now and you are going to marry a lovely smelling handsome prince with a castle and live happily ever

I hope she does too

And I hope he catches a dose
X

Great message, thank you

I think with the sex ones I was thinking more the ones that confirm we did have a sexual relationship, rather than him being able to minimize it by saying I was exaggerating a flirtation.

Ahh
Yes
Good point

But I still ,think tell her and then offer the option of what proof she wants
If she wants to go into denial then it's her choice . If she wants it have it ready and waiting

He told me he had a psychotic ex girlfriend

People always say that's a red flag, don't they?

I think you need to be upfront (even slightly pushy) with sending the evidence quickly before he can convince her to block you, rather than asking if she wants to see it.

Yes, Trills, that was my worry. I currently have her blocked so he can't convince her to block me in advance.

Re: the psychotic ex thing, yes, I think you probably have a point, but as I've had mental exs myself I just assume most people have and didn't think too much of it.