Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how do you do it (single parents)

35 replies

Butwhyohwhy · 27/01/2016 20:36

This may sound like a silly question, but EA exp has me doubting myself all the time.

I'm going on holiday for 9nights in March, this falls on exp's weekend with DS and another full day that he would normally have with him.

Exp is saying he's not happy about it and doesn't want to lose this time with DS.

If you're in this situation how do you work it? Do you offer to make up that lost time, as in exp would have DC for the next few weekends, all weekend?

Or just start from scratch as the weekends normally are?

I work mon-from 9-5 and only get DS one full weekend a month plus one weekend day. As exp quit his job to avoid CMS payments Angry he could easily have DS for extra time through the week but refuses and will only accept weekend time (so things are more difficult for me and I don't have quality time with DS on my time off at weekends)

Please give me your tuppence worth!

OP posts:
SongBird16 · 27/01/2016 21:03

But won't your ex be taking DS on holiday at some point this year, meaning that you'll also lose out on days, and making it kind of fair and equal?

Obviously you're not going to cancel, so what does he propose?

I suppose it is nice that he wants to see his son.

LovelyFriend · 27/01/2016 21:23

"I suppose it is nice that he wants to see his son."
I refuse to be grateful/thankful that a father acts as an actual father. Would you say about a mother "I suppose it's nice she wants to care for her child"?

OP he is being a dick.

How it works is you go away and have a lovely holiday with your DS. And then at some point he takes DS away for a holiday, or has time off work and has DS to stay for longer than a weekend at Easter or the summer or whatever.

You could possibly agree that he has DS for 2 weekends in a row to "catch up" the lost weekend if you were so inclined.

But he absolutely does not get to mess with your holiday.

I now split all the DC's school holiday times 50/50 with XP. Sometimes he will talk about missing his Wednesday on a week when I am on holiday with my children and I sigh explain very patiently, yet again, that he's not entitled to mess with my holiday time with the children. I don't have a mid-week visit with the DC when they are staying with him in the holidays - I leave them to it to have a lovely time together.

loveyoutothemoon · 27/01/2016 21:59

Tell him to sod off!

crazyhead · 27/01/2016 22:13

My sister's ex is like this about hols. Just generally there is a huge gap between his self image as some sort of saint and the lazy, lying, CSA dodging reality. she's hoping it'll ease in time

summerwinterton · 28/01/2016 00:11

I would wonder why you don't have EOW contact. Him having 3 weekends and you only is totally unfair. And no maintenance too? He sounds hell tbh.

ImperialBlether · 28/01/2016 00:15

OP, if he isn't working then you should have much more than 1/4 weekends with your son. EOW is normal, though many don't even do that. It's just not fair that you are supporting your child financially and he doesn't make your life easier by minding him after school etc and just takes the weekends off you. Time to get angry and take action.

Hissy · 28/01/2016 06:42

"As you quit your job to avoid supporting your child, I'm afraid you get no say in how I do things..."

Work out what access suits you and inform him of this.

When he acts like an equal parent, he can be an equal parent.

The least he could do is ask how to support you in a non financial manner, but given he quit specifically so he'd shaft you and his son, so why on earth do you let him call the shots.

LovelyFriend · 28/01/2016 09:38

oh wow just realised that you only have DS 1/4 weekends!!
I agree that if you want EOW then you are perfectly entitled to that.

Sorry he is such an arse. Be strong with him for your DS.

and double yes to all Hissy said.

Fourormore · 28/01/2016 09:44

I wouldn't book a holiday over exH's time without agreeing it with him first. He wouldn't book a holiday over my time without agreeing it with me first.
If anybody loses time then it is usually made up on the weekends either side.

Weekend contact is another matter and if you're not happy with that arrangement then you need to come to a different arrangement.

ricketytickety · 28/01/2016 09:48

What Hissy said.

It's not easy if your ex is a twat. What's the worst he can do? Is he aggressive/scary in any way? Do you need to get legal advice?

LovelyFriend · 28/01/2016 10:05

my X was also EA.
It will really help you to completely detach from him - so what he says has no weight, and then you will doubt your self less, believe in yourself more.

What worked for me was sticking purely to statements of fact, keep face to face and verbal communications to a minimum, act as if you are the one in charge which as RP I guess you technically are.

Don't accept any more shenanigans from him.

Easier said than done, and I have had the occasional slip up (where I've let my guard down and sure enough he soon stops playing "nice guy" and reverts to be EA), but mostly it works.

Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 28/01/2016 11:46

I would LOVE to have DS EOW. But as I worked every weekend when DS was a baby as I couldn't afford outrageous childcare bills, my lawyer said I would never get that in court

(We went through court last year as he was messing me around with returning DS, cutting off cm if I didn't do the drop off/collections etc, so it had to get sorted out properly)

The judge never ordered that I get 1.5 weekends with DS but that is the arrangement we came to on (grudgingly) the advice of my lawyer. Apparently they prefer to stick with the status quo so as exp had him every weekend for almost two years I would struggle to get EOW.

I didn't want to work every weekend, I simply had to. Exp also gets DS ever Tuesday after nursery until 6pm

I hate this arrangement, the Tuesday is fine, but I desperately want EOW

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 28/01/2016 11:59

That seems odd advice from your lawyer. I would look into getting advice from someone else tbh. And seeing as the contact is not court ordered what is he going to do, take you to court for 3 weekends out of 4?

Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 28/01/2016 13:25

I thought so too, but trusted her judgement on the case and grudgingly agreed to one full weekend plus one Sunday Blush

He'll be at school after the summer and I hate how little quality time we have together.

It was all agreed in court though so if I changed it at all he would go straight back for a court case ASAPSad

OP posts:
Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 28/01/2016 13:28

Exp was also told that it was his responsibility to drop off and collect DS. Which he did for a while, but as nothing was written down about that, he has successfully blackmailed me, cut cm payments song said I would start doing one collection a week and he is back paying. I really rely on the cm to help pay towards childcare etc etc and it makes a huge difference not having that. But I hate myself for letting him blackmail me

OP posts:
Fourormore · 28/01/2016 13:28

It's not that odd, the courts do place considerably weight on the status quo. I think 50/50 is reasonable, however.

You can't change it without going back to court now - I assume you have a court order agreed by consent?

It's reasonable to apply for a variation on the basis that your child will be attending school - it's a change of circumstances and warrants a review of the status quo.

HandyWoman · 28/01/2016 13:42

OP it sounds like he now has a cash-in-hand job since he refuses to have the dc during the week.

In which case he's taking the piss by even thinking about the holiday weekend.

Think Hissy 's statement covers it really well. Tell him to shove it.

HandyWoman · 28/01/2016 13:44

Oh and the arrangements for contact are unfair.

I would seriously consider going to court to get it changed, because your work arrangements have changed and you barely have any quality time with ds despite being almost solely responsible in financial and practical terms. The Law isn't supposed to work out like that.

HandyWoman · 28/01/2016 13:47

Plus, lawyers are expensive but not infallible.

Mine was surprised to learn I had changed from married to maiden name without a Change of Name deed. Mumsnet knew more about this than she did. Just sayin'....

Allgunsblazing · 28/01/2016 13:57

handywoman, I don't know anything about the change of name, how does it work?

LovelyFriend · 28/01/2016 13:58

are you in the UK OP?

LovelyFriend · 28/01/2016 13:59

or USA possibly?

Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 28/01/2016 14:03

Yes I'm in the uk

OP posts:
Original poster
Butwhyohwhy · 28/01/2016 14:05

Thank you all for your posts, I think I'll definitely ally for a variation. I was working part time then also so with DS at school after the summer plus me now working full time, it's a huge change

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 28/01/2016 14:22

I would apply for maintenance officially too - sounds like he has bullied you for long enough. And the dropping off and picking up. He
should do that too?