how do you do it (single parents)

[Butwhyohwhy]

This may sound like a silly question, but EA exp has me doubting myself all the time.

I'm going on holiday for 9nights in March, this falls on exp's weekend with DS and another full day that he would normally have with him.

Exp is saying he's not happy about it and doesn't want to lose this time with DS.

If you're in this situation how do you work it? Do you offer to make up that lost time, as in exp would have DC for the next few weekends, all weekend?

Or just start from scratch as the weekends normally are?

I work mon-from 9-5 and only get DS one full weekend a month plus one weekend day. As exp quit his job to avoid CMS payments he could easily have DS for extra time through the week but refuses and will only accept weekend time (so things are more difficult for me and I don't have quality time with DS on my time off at weekends)

Please give me your tuppence worth!

[LovelyFriend]

sorry to hear he is still bullying you.

keep all evidence of the money he is paying you now, and then at some point in the future if he claims he can't pay you can provide evidence that he can and will.

Your lawyer sounds - well dreadful.

Are you saying you no longer work weekends so EOW would now work? Then change to that.

[summerwinterton]

child support claim where they state he doesn't earn enough - isn't there something about his lifestyle being beyond his declared income, ie that would prove he should pay more?

And fee paying school, which you are made to pay for too??

[Butwhyohwhy]

And I've already shopped him for tax evasion. This has come to nothing so far..

[Butwhyohwhy]

Yeah he sure has done a number on me. He refused to pay for more than 8 months last year because he is 'unemployed' and unable to. Yet all the time putting pressure on me to agree to DS going to a fee paying school. He would take me to court in an instant, and I wouldn't be able to bring up the topic of him dodging child maintenance

I love my job, and if I did the same job in the city I would earn approx 6k more. But the commute, the stress of getting there, the toll that would take on my car as I would be travelling throughout the day too, due to the nature of the job. I feel my quality of life would not be worth the extra money, and I would need care before and after school as I wouldn't get home til well after 6 if I'm lucky. But perhaps it's something I'll need to reconsider. But yes there are other career paths i could seek in due course now I have a fair bit of experience in my field

[Allgunsblazing]

handy to know , thank you!

[HandyWoman]

Shop him to the Revenue?

[summerwinterton]

So he blackmails you into allowing his contact when he wants with you doing the running and then he will deign to pay maintenance.

He sure has done a number on you hasn't he? And he lies to the taxman too I presume.

So if he is this skint he won't afford court over contact will he.

[HandyWoman]

As an aside, are you looking for avenues to better paid work, OP? Or is there a friend who could look after ds so you can do overtime? This is not a reflection on you, but I fear it's the only route to being free of the grip of this loser.

And also, why the hell in 2016 is it possible for men to hide their incomes from the authorities?

These men really are a special sort of entitled shitbag all of their own.

And until he starts paying a reasonable amount of maintenance you should shrug off his feigned concern about contact with ds. If he really have a shit he would pay towards his upkeep. Hope you have lots if RL support OP.

[Butwhyohwhy]

I applied for maintenance officially, and he quit his job. He has other means of income which as an accountant is able to hide very well. He doesn't need to work. I would recieve no child maintenance at all going through CMS. So I closed the account and said I would collect DS once a week as those were his 'terms' for paying cm as humiliating as it is, I agreed. I wish I was in a even slightly better paid on than I am now and I could tell him to sod off, but cm means I can just about pay all bills. I NEED it. And that's with tax credits which I'm eligible for

[HandyWoman]

Allguns I just applied to have my passport in my maiden name, sent my birth certificate with the passport form.

I didn't have my marriage cert (at solicitors for divorce proceedings) or a Decree Nisi or Decree Absolute (I still don't have either). But I now have a passport in my original name. Still not yet divorced though not for lack of trying

They asked me to sign a declaration to say that I now use my maiden name for all purposes.

Job done and saved myself the solicitors fee. Don't let anyone tell you your name is dependent on your marital status. It isn't. Nor should it be.

[summerwinterton]

I would apply for maintenance officially too - sounds like he has bullied you for long enough. And the dropping off and picking up. He
should do that too?

[Butwhyohwhy]

Thank you all for your posts, I think I'll definitely ally for a variation. I was working part time then also so with DS at school after the summer plus me now working full time, it's a huge change

[Butwhyohwhy]

Yes I'm in the uk

[LovelyFriend]

or USA possibly?

[LovelyFriend]

are you in the UK OP?

[Allgunsblazing]

handywoman, I don't know anything about the change of name, how does it work?

[HandyWoman]

Plus, lawyers are expensive but not infallible.

Mine was surprised to learn I had changed from married to maiden name without a Change of Name deed. Mumsnet knew more about this than she did. Just sayin'....

[HandyWoman]

Oh and the arrangements for contact are unfair.

I would seriously consider going to court to get it changed, because your work arrangements have changed and you barely have any quality time with ds despite being almost solely responsible in financial and practical terms. The Law isn't supposed to work out like that.

[HandyWoman]

OP it sounds like he now has a cash-in-hand job since he refuses to have the dc during the week.

In which case he's taking the piss by even thinking about the holiday weekend.

Think Hissy 's statement covers it really well. Tell him to shove it.

[Fourormore]

It's not that odd, the courts do place considerably weight on the status quo. I think 50/50 is reasonable, however.

You can't change it without going back to court now - I assume you have a court order agreed by consent?

It's reasonable to apply for a variation on the basis that your child will be attending school - it's a change of circumstances and warrants a review of the status quo.

[Butwhyohwhy]

Exp was also told that it was his responsibility to drop off and collect DS. Which he did for a while, but as nothing was written down about that, he has successfully blackmailed me, cut cm payments song said I would start doing one collection a week and he is back paying. I really rely on the cm to help pay towards childcare etc etc and it makes a huge difference not having that. But I hate myself for letting him blackmail me

[Butwhyohwhy]

I thought so too, but trusted her judgement on the case and grudgingly agreed to one full weekend plus one Sunday

He'll be at school after the summer and I hate how little quality time we have together.

It was all agreed in court though so if I changed it at all he would go straight back for a court case ASAP

[summerwinterton]

That seems odd advice from your lawyer. I would look into getting advice from someone else tbh. And seeing as the contact is not court ordered what is he going to do, take you to court for 3 weekends out of 4?

[Butwhyohwhy]

I would LOVE to have DS EOW. But as I worked every weekend when DS was a baby as I couldn't afford outrageous childcare bills, my lawyer said I would never get that in court

(We went through court last year as he was messing me around with returning DS, cutting off cm if I didn't do the drop off/collections etc, so it had to get sorted out properly)

The judge never ordered that I get 1.5 weekends with DS but that is the arrangement we came to on (grudgingly) the advice of my lawyer. Apparently they prefer to stick with the status quo so as exp had him every weekend for almost two years I would struggle to get EOW.

I didn't want to work every weekend, I simply had to. Exp also gets DS ever Tuesday after nursery until 6pm

I hate this arrangement, the Tuesday is fine, but I desperately want EOW

[LovelyFriend]

my X was also EA.
It will really help you to completely detach from him - so what he says has no weight, and then you will doubt your self less, believe in yourself more.

What worked for me was sticking purely to statements of fact, keep face to face and verbal communications to a minimum, act as if you are the one in charge which as RP I guess you technically are.

Don't accept any more shenanigans from him.

Easier said than done, and I have had the occasional slip up (where I've let my guard down and sure enough he soon stops playing "nice guy" and reverts to be EA), but mostly it works.