Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he won't leave

39 replies

Lovelilies2 · 25/01/2016 21:38

Ex DP has decided to come back to our house because his flats being decorated and he can't stay there with the paint fumes Hmm

He has a history of domestic abuse , emotional, physical (claimed it was an accident) financial.

I am in the process of buying my own house for me and dcs which will hopefully complete next week but needs money spending on it to make it habitable, I'm aiming to be out of here in 2 months.

He's just said he has every right to be here. Plan was he will leave on Wednesday... What shall I do if he doesn't? DD is staying at my mums because she doesn't want to see him Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelilies2 · 25/01/2016 21:53

Anyone?
He's sitting here on the sofa, asking questions about Coronation Street, even wants me to cut his hair!!
I just want him to bloody go Sad
My heart is racing, I'm 19 weeks pregnant. This stress isn't good for the baby

OP posts:
Petradreaming · 25/01/2016 21:56

How did he get into the house?

Topseyt · 25/01/2016 21:58

Can't you stay at your Mum's along with your DD?

Why stay in the path of this abuser if you have a choice.

Is the property he has come back to one that you jointly own, or is it rented?

Original poster
Lovelilies2 · 25/01/2016 22:02

Owned jointly until I sign it over to him (and he pays me my share of the money).
Our son (2) is here also.
Staying at my mum's would mean her or DD sleeping on the sofa, which they're both willing to do.
I suppose we'll have to if he won't move out come Wednesday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelilies2 · 25/01/2016 22:04

He still has keys, and I can't change the locks (did this time last year when we split, legally I can't as he owns house too. He said he'll "fuck me over in court" if I try that.)

OP posts:
Owllady · 25/01/2016 22:04

:( I'm worried about you. Can you go and stay with your mum too?

Original poster
Lovelilies2 · 25/01/2016 22:07

Theoretically, yes I could. Would mean getting DS out of bed. And exDP saying I'm being hysterical and there's no need to leave, that I'm trying to make out he's a monster when he hasn't done anything wrong etc etc

OP posts:
Topseyt · 25/01/2016 22:09

So he is buying you out then, and you are buying your new house.

I'd stay with your Mum for now, then get legal advice regarding what to do about him.

I'm not experienced though, so others are likely to be better placed to advise.

Owllady · 25/01/2016 22:12

It doesn't really matter what he thinks though. You don't feel safe and with good reason it seems.
Go and stay with your mum if you will feel safer xxx
I don't know legalities at all, I'm just posting from a look after yourself perspective. You have a small child and you are pregnant and he sounds like an utter controlling tosser

Original poster
Lovelilies2 · 25/01/2016 22:16

I'm seeing my Domestic Abuse worker lady tomorrow so will see what she says.

He still has the nerve to say he loves me and wants his family back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelilies2 · 25/01/2016 22:37

He's gone to bed. I think I'll take dcs and stay at my mums tomorrow night.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelilies2 · 25/01/2016 22:40

Wish I'd listened to all the wonderful MN advice and support I got when he started being abusive, back when I was pg with DS...

Could bloody kick myself for staying, hoping he'd change, that we'd be a proper family.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/01/2016 22:42

Not too late to put this right.

First thing tomorrow, get your stuff and go to your mum's

Leave him yapping about Coronation Street to the wall

LeaLeander · 25/01/2016 22:44

Please do go to your mother's. Do you or she know anyone who could lend one of those inflatable beds?

At any rate a bit of discomfort is better than being alone with him and vulnerable. Sorry you are going through this. Flowers

Original poster
Lovelilies2 · 25/01/2016 22:49

Thank you... Just seeing a reply to my post really helps keep me focuses on leaving, and remembering what an absolute tosser he is. If any of you met him IRL, you'd honestly never believe what he is like... He is THE master manipulator.

I STILL fall into feeling sorry for him, I just don't get it?

I need some kind of mantra to keep me from falling for his BS every time he opens his mouth...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/01/2016 22:50

I believe you

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 25/01/2016 22:58

They're very good at making you feel sorry for them, sadly. It's called Stockholm Syndrome, where women sympathise with their abusers. So sad that there is so much of it its got its own name Sad. Get away from him tomorrow, your life will be better, promise.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 25/01/2016 23:02

He is THE master manipulator.

There's your mantra, my love. He sounds like a twat. You and your kids are better off away from him.
Just keep saying the above to yourself.

I STILL fall into feeling sorry for him, I just don't get it?
He's manipulating you, every time.
Be strong Flowers

Original poster
Lovelilies2 · 25/01/2016 23:07

He's 'off sick' from his work (on full pay) for the forseeable future because he's stressed/depressed.
He works part time when he is at work "to spend more time with us".
Because of this he wants DS 3 nights and days a week.
I don't seem to have a choice in this, as he's never harmed DS and appears to be a good father to him when he has him.
I'll never be completely free from him

OP posts:
catrin · 25/01/2016 23:09

Sounds like my ex :( everyone thinks he is charming, dad of the year. Unless you live with him for prolonged periods and now I shake when I see him.

He did exactly the same to me. But he moved back for A YEAR. I have no advice re your dd I'm afraid, but I will say my solicitor took a very dim view of him having moved back in and effectively forcing me to move out while the divorce was pending. He even moved his OW in once I'd moved out!

So, basically no proper advice but I feel your pain. Live your life as well as you can, try not to engage with him wherever possible. Don't let the niceness that he will doubtless try cloud your judgement re separating. You can get though this. I did and now, quite frankly, I am as hard as bloody Batfink. Wine, friends and a very thick temporary skin.

Original poster
Lovelilies2 · 25/01/2016 23:12

I can honestly see why abused women just 'snap'.

I'd love for him to not be here any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelilies2 · 25/01/2016 23:14

I'd better go to bed too, I'm getting too wound up.
Hopefully in a few months when I have my own house and some kind of peace, I will be able to think more clearly and not let him get to me.
Thank you all for the support.
I'll keep posting, to help me keep my resolve.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/01/2016 23:16

Good plan x

Original poster
Lovelilies2 · 26/01/2016 07:45

I've slept (kind of).
I'll ask mum today if we can come and stay til my house is ready.
I'll need to pack all our stuff.
I've told him I may have to go and stay with mum because he's forcing us out (financially too- I can't afford this place and mine, and he's said he will only pay half mortgage here and CMA).
He just asked if I'll be putting our things in storage (!)

OP posts:
ProfessionalChameleon · 26/01/2016 08:03

Op, just a quick message to stay strong today. You're protecting your DC and yourself. Get out of there and don't give him a chance to mess with your thoughts and feelings anymore.

Good luck Flowers