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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

he won't leave

39 replies

Lovelilies2 · 25/01/2016 21:38

Ex DP has decided to come back to our house because his flats being decorated and he can't stay there with the paint fumes

He has a history of domestic abuse , emotional, physical (claimed it was an accident) financial.

I am in the process of buying my own house for me and dcs which will hopefully complete next week but needs money spending on it to make it habitable, I'm aiming to be out of here in 2 months.

He's just said he has every right to be here. Plan was he will leave on Wednesday... What shall I do if he doesn't? DD is staying at my mums because she doesn't want to see him

OP posts:

Report

TempusEedjit · 29/01/2016 20:57

Congratulations, stay strong

Lovelilies2 · 29/01/2016 20:39

Completed on my new house!
Tons of work need doing but it will be worth it

OP posts:

startrek90 · 27/01/2016 22:06

Sounds like he is going to try and skip out on paying you what he owes you. He forces you out and gets the house. Be careful. He sounds a right slippery bastard.

I hope you and those precious children of yours are safe. Don't feel sorry for the twonk. Easier said than done I know...

Topseyt · 26/01/2016 20:52

It's good that your Mum has changed her mind. Is she aware of how bad things have been?

Keep things moving forward. Keep strong and keep going.

Lovelilies2 · 26/01/2016 18:54

Well he's gone (again).
I'm going to get all our stuff packed up this week and put it in storage. Mum has agreed to let us stay at hers while we get house sorted.
And apparently I'll get the paperwork tomorrow to sign over house and arrange to get my money from him.

Things looked bleak this morning and I let it all get to me, but we seem to be moving in the right direction

OP posts:

ricketytickety · 26/01/2016 11:30

Can you call womensaid? 0808 2000 247 24 - they will have some advice on what to do. They know all about exit plans / places to stay etc.

Lovelilies2 · 26/01/2016 11:13

I've rung NCDV helpline who said I can only get an emergency injunction if there's been violence or a threat of it in last 10 days. Which he hasn't. He's playing the game.
And I can't see my solicitor til tomorrow

OP posts:

TheoriginalLEM · 26/01/2016 10:41

Can you get some legal advice somewhere today? Both about your share and the mortgage because it sounds like he would stop paying just to cause greif.

ImperialBlether · 26/01/2016 10:28

I don't think it's in your son's interests to be with him for three days/nights a week. I didn't think 50-50 care was seen as the best thing for the child when they're so young.

Lovelilies2 · 26/01/2016 10:24

He's denying any abuse.
Hasn't threatened me, apart from saying he wants to be in the house or won't pay anything more than half mortgage because he can't afford it (he's always taking trips away and has a £20k merc).
DV lady can't see me today because of staff sickness.
I am despairing...

OP posts:

eyebrowse · 26/01/2016 10:22

If he has a history of violence you can go to the police about this

Owllady · 26/01/2016 10:17

How are you going to get him to do that?
Is he def going back tomorrow?
Has your dv last assessed your risk etc?

Lovelilies2 · 26/01/2016 10:10

My mum won't have us (no room) and is angry with him. Thinks we should stay in the house and he goes back to the flat.

OP posts:

LeaLeander · 26/01/2016 08:45

Good luck OP. Stop talking to him and revealing your plans. Just get to your mother's house.

ProfessionalChameleon · 26/01/2016 08:03

Op, just a quick message to stay strong today. You're protecting your DC and yourself. Get out of there and don't give him a chance to mess with your thoughts and feelings anymore.

Good luck

Lovelilies2 · 26/01/2016 07:45

I've slept (kind of).
I'll ask mum today if we can come and stay til my house is ready.
I'll need to pack all our stuff.
I've told him I may have to go and stay with mum because he's forcing us out (financially too- I can't afford this place and mine, and he's said he will only pay half mortgage here and CMA).
He just asked if I'll be putting our things in storage (!)

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AnyFucker · 25/01/2016 23:16

Good plan x

Lovelilies2 · 25/01/2016 23:14

I'd better go to bed too, I'm getting too wound up.
Hopefully in a few months when I have my own house and some kind of peace, I will be able to think more clearly and not let him get to me.
Thank you all for the support.
I'll keep posting, to help me keep my resolve.

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Lovelilies2 · 25/01/2016 23:12

I can honestly see why abused women just 'snap'.

I'd love for him to not be here any more.

OP posts:

catrin · 25/01/2016 23:09

Sounds like my ex :( everyone thinks he is charming, dad of the year. Unless you live with him for prolonged periods and now I shake when I see him.

He did exactly the same to me. But he moved back for A YEAR. I have no advice re your dd I'm afraid, but I will say my solicitor took a very dim view of him having moved back in and effectively forcing me to move out while the divorce was pending. He even moved his OW in once I'd moved out!

So, basically no proper advice but I feel your pain. Live your life as well as you can, try not to engage with him wherever possible. Don't let the niceness that he will doubtless try cloud your judgement re separating. You can get though this. I did and now, quite frankly, I am as hard as bloody Batfink. Wine, friends and a very thick temporary skin.

Lovelilies2 · 25/01/2016 23:07

He's 'off sick' from his work (on full pay) for the forseeable future because he's stressed/depressed.
He works part time when he is at work "to spend more time with us".
Because of this he wants DS 3 nights and days a week.
I don't seem to have a choice in this, as he's never harmed DS and appears to be a good father to him when he has him.
I'll never be completely free from him

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DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 25/01/2016 23:02

He is THE master manipulator.

There's your mantra, my love. He sounds like a twat. You and your kids are better off away from him.
Just keep saying the above to yourself.

I STILL fall into feeling sorry for him, I just don't get it?
He's manipulating you, every time.
Be strong

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SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 25/01/2016 22:58

They're very good at making you feel sorry for them, sadly. It's called Stockholm Syndrome, where women sympathise with their abusers. So sad that there is so much of it its got its own name . Get away from him tomorrow, your life will be better, promise.

AnyFucker · 25/01/2016 22:50

I believe you

Lovelilies2 · 25/01/2016 22:49

Thank you... Just seeing a reply to my post really helps keep me focuses on leaving, and remembering what an absolute tosser he is. If any of you met him IRL, you'd honestly never believe what he is like... He is THE master manipulator.

I STILL fall into feeling sorry for him, I just don't get it?

I need some kind of mantra to keep me from falling for his BS every time he opens his mouth...

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