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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help. Should I end my relationship?

57 replies

ashmts · 20/01/2016 23:00

I'm really stuck. I feel a bit of a fraud posting here on a board where people have real problems but I need advice please.

Don't know where to start. Been with my boyfriend for 7 years. I'm 25. He has his own flat and I stay most of the time although still have a room at my parents' nearby. Things are fine but every so often I wonder if this is what I want. He has less money than I do and it limits what we can do together. I just feel a bit bored. We rarely have sex any more and I don't even care.

I feel like maybe we were too young to get so serious and I need some time on my own. But is it worth losing this over? We get on fine, there's nothing really wrong with the relationship as such. I just feel like there might be other men out there that would be better for me. But obviously if we break up there's no going back and what if I end up regretting it?

OP posts:

timelytess · 20/01/2016 23:07

Run!
Married life is hard work - if you're already bored you'll never make it.
Run!

RedMapleLeaf · 20/01/2016 23:11

He's likely to have less money if he's paying for the flat and you have a room at your parents'! Do you contribute to the costs of you staying with him?

Either way it sounds as though you've outgrown the relationship and I think that takes guts to admit, let alone act upon.

JenEric · 20/01/2016 23:12

There's much more to life than its fine it's ok it's meh. If after 7 years neither of you want to move forward, get married, live together, plan a future it's just a rut. I think you need to get out. Go be single, get your own flat ( or flat share) and actually live instead of just chugging along on meh.

ALaughAMinute · 20/01/2016 23:16

If you rarely have sex and you're bored he's not the one for you!

Could you move back in with your parents?

Original poster

ashmts · 20/01/2016 23:29

I pay half the mortgage plus some extra money to cover bills. I also run a car.

I think he wants me to move in and for us to get married. But that thought terrifies me. But on the other hand, how on earth would I actually go about breaking up with him and moving my stuff out? It's unthinkable.

Yeah I could move back with my parents tonight if I needed to.

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 20/01/2016 23:32

It's not unthinkable, you're already thinking about it.

How would you like to break up with him? Quickly? Kindly?

goddessofsmallthings · 20/01/2016 23:33

how on earth would I actually go about breaking up with him and moving my stuff out?

You tell him the relationship isn't working for you any more, you pack what you can into your car, box up the rest, arrange a date to collect it, and move back to your parents.

It really can be that simple if you want it to be.

Lweji · 20/01/2016 23:38

You pay half the mortgage? And extra money for bills?
Do you have evidence for it? Because in that case you could be entitled to the equivalent on the house.
And for only staying a few days?

If this relationship is going nowhere, stop paying his mortgage now. Or get your contributions recognised.

You may be used to each other, but he may not be the man for you if you don't feel particularly happy.

Also agree with JenEric. A long term relationship that goes nowhere is probably dead. I've seen them often. And the couple ends up separating and getting married or having kids soon after.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 20/01/2016 23:42

"We rarely have sex any more and I don't even care"

Honestly, at only 25 there should be more intimacy than a paltry "rarely", and you should expect to care its absence.

How very convenient for him that you're paying half of his mortgage for him. That's money you'll never see again. That could have been a deposit on your own place.

Really, get out before you wake up one day and you're 35 and not 25. Seven years together when you're still so young is a very, very long time. People grow, people change. There's no disgrace in accepting that the life you have with him now is not the one you want any longer.

Pack your stuff up and leave. It's really that simple.

Original poster

ashmts · 20/01/2016 23:44

I've only been paying it for about 9 months and it probably works out slightly less than half overall, I'm really not that bothered about the money.

I know logically you're all right. It's just rough cos I really care about him and don't want to hurt him. But also (selfishly) what if this is as good as it gets for me and I don't meet anyone as good?

OP posts:

lijana · 20/01/2016 23:52

I also have a similar feeling... I realised recently that my fiance is a loner. We have an apartment together, he makes less than I do too, it also limits what we can do together as everything of what we do we talk about price, the cost of this or that.

RedMapleLeaf · 20/01/2016 23:53

what if this is as good as it gets for me and I don't meet anyone as good?

You shouldn't fear being single.

Custard314 · 21/01/2016 00:05

You're only 25 !

I ended it with a man whose company did not set me alight on my 26th birthday. I was glad.

Don't fear being single! Enjoy yourself, and suit yourself.

Yseulte · 21/01/2016 00:13

If you regret it you can always get back together.

shandybass · 21/01/2016 00:31

Yes agree with most of the posters here, please don't waste any more time on a loveless relationship. If you think leaving is hard now try when married with kids. Get out now, there is more out there. Truly you are worth so much more and if not being single with the prospect of something is better than what you have now.
Believe me I thought like you at 25 but it doesn't change at 35 or 45 there's still a life out there to live.

bb888 · 21/01/2016 06:45

If you have decided that you want out then staying longer won't make it any easier for him. Its like a plaster - rip it off quickly so that you can both get on with getting over it.

TheNaze73 · 21/01/2016 12:17

I'd get out if I was you. If a bloke that age doesn't want sex, there's a serious problem

Kr1stina · 21/01/2016 12:23

I feel like maybe we were too young to get so serious and I need some time on my own

Yes and yes

Jibberjabberjooo · 21/01/2016 12:26

OP when I was your age I was in exactly the same situation. My long term relationship was comfortable, we rarely had sex and I felt very 'meh' about the whole thing.

The thought of splitting up terrified me as I hadn't been single for years. However that's not a reason to stay. We did split up, luckily and I'm now married to the right person and we have children.

You're 25, don't waste your years being unhappy and staying with someone because it's all you've known. I promise you being single for a bit and being independent can be wonderful. Don't get married and have children if this is how you feel. It's far harder to split when you have ties to someone.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2016 12:27

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Answer that question honestly to your own self.

You met this person when you were 18 and thus had no real life experience behind you.

This is clearly going nowhere and you need to move back home as soon as you are able. If you're terrified of marrying him, living together anyway is not going to work out either. You do not really care enough for him and have outgrown him/ This is really a waste of time and effort for both of you and you both now need to be apart.

"But is it worth losing this over" all sounds like you are emotionally overinvested and this type of thinking can also be indicative of the "sunken costs fallacy" that can happen in relationships. This basically causes people to make poor relationship decisions. You also cannot rescue and or save what is really here a dead in the water relationship on your own.

Reading the website "baggage reclaim" may also be a good idea for you.

Are you actually named on the mortgage?. In the event you are not then why are you contributing at all towards it?.

TattieHowkerz · 21/01/2016 12:28

Well either you have to break up, or stay with him forever.

Which is more scary?

hellsbellsmelons · 21/01/2016 13:55

I too was in your situation at your age.

Except there was a wedding planned and invites sent etc....
A house bought together.
Mums, dads, MILs and FILs all so happy for the big day.
I knew in my heart though that I was doing it for everyone else.
So that I didn't upset my fiance or my parents or his parents.
But realisation hit when I was paying for the reception venue.
Why oh why am I 'settling'? It was total madness.
So I called it all off. It was totally horrible. Everyone turned on me, including my family. I was very alone for a while.
But time is a great healer. My family realised I needed their support and not their judgement. They came around and are now very ashamed of how they treated me. But it was such a massive shock for them. He was like a son/brother etc....
Please don't let it get to the stage I did.
I knew when he proposed I didn't want to marry him and there was more out there for me.
And there was. Not all great but there will always be bumps in the road.
End it now before you get dragged in any further and before you know it you are shopping for wedding dresses wondering what the fuck you are doing!

Original poster

ashmts · 21/01/2016 23:42

We just talked and I'm going to move home tomorrow. This feels awful and like I've made the worst mistake of my life.

OP posts:

Original poster

ashmts · 21/01/2016 23:43

And sorry to hear that hellsbells. Hope everything worked out for you.

OP posts:

Lweji · 21/01/2016 23:49

It's hard to get rid of that feeling when the relationship is not that bad.
But there were reasons for you to do it.

In a few months you will probably feel differently.

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