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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help. Should I end my relationship?

57 replies

ashmts · 20/01/2016 23:00

I'm really stuck. I feel a bit of a fraud posting here on a board where people have real problems but I need advice please.

Don't know where to start. Been with my boyfriend for 7 years. I'm 25. He has his own flat and I stay most of the time although still have a room at my parents' nearby. Things are fine but every so often I wonder if this is what I want. He has less money than I do and it limits what we can do together. I just feel a bit bored. We rarely have sex any more and I don't even care.

I feel like maybe we were too young to get so serious and I need some time on my own. But is it worth losing this over? We get on fine, there's nothing really wrong with the relationship as such. I just feel like there might be other men out there that would be better for me. But obviously if we break up there's no going back and what if I end up regretting it?

OP posts:
HandyWoman · 21/01/2016 23:49

It feels awful to cause hurt and disruption, op. Doesn't mean it's not right. Well done, I think you did the right thing. And I reckon you'll feel better when you get home.

Thanks
Norest · 22/01/2016 00:37

How would you feel if someone stayed with you because they thought they might not find someone better an might as well settle?

I assume he is not a bad person, do you really want to be the one who stays with him because you might as well?

Don't you care for yourself and him a little bit more than that?

LeaLeander · 22/01/2016 00:47

You can care about someone without being shackled to him. You are too young to love like stodgy pensioner. Run!!

GiveMeVegemite · 22/01/2016 01:29

I think you have done the right thing. I'm 29, have been with my partner (now husband) for 9 years. We have a house, 2 kids and another on the way and I always thought about breaking up with him before any of this, but I was too isolated and too controlled. I love my kids to bits and am grateful to him for them, but wish I had broken up with him when I was 25. You're doing the right thing.

Original poster
ashmts · 22/01/2016 20:52

Just arrived at my mum and dad's. It was horrible. I feel like I've made a massive mistake and all I want to do is go back. He was so great, he packed up all my stuff while I was at work. When I left we hugged and said some stuff and I felt so close to him. Surely that's not how a breakup should feel?

OP posts:
Lweji · 22/01/2016 21:15

That's a great break up. Drama is overrated.

Did you get the feeling he was thinking the same as you? Or was he very surprised?

Gobbolino6 · 22/01/2016 21:58

Breakups can feel like that. Obviously after 7 years there is a lot of feeling there, even if it's not right. Did he feel the same as you? If not, don't rely on it staying pleasant, he might be in shock. It could get a bit more difficult but it was the right choice and it will be ok x

mellowyellow1 · 22/01/2016 22:29

I think you've done the right thing breaking up with him. Of course going back would be easy and comfortable but a few months down the line you'll be feeling exactly the same and wishing you had left.

Original poster
ashmts · 23/01/2016 00:05

I don't think he was surprised. We've had conversations before about how I feel I should have been single as an adult, it's just never gone this far before. He's far more laid back than I am, I feel like he'd be quite happy just to let life happen.

OP posts:
Custard314 · 23/01/2016 08:56

It does feel hard to disconnect and i know what u mean u can feel closer to somebody when u break up because it is honest communication.

Dembloodybells · 23/01/2016 10:24

Well done ash. I was in a similar situation at the same age. I didn't have the guts to do anything about it. We are still together and I'm 45 now.

It's not a bad relationship, but I can't help thinking I've wasted my life, and there is more out there for me that I've totally missed out on.
In fact, I know there is someone, but I'm married, and so is he, so that's completely off-limits.
I think you have been brave and will have a wonderful life ahead of you. Good luck.

Dragonsdaughter · 23/01/2016 10:33

At 25 with no kids - it should still be loads of sex and loads of fun - in my opinion anyway ;)

Original poster
ashmts · 24/01/2016 15:38

Struggling today. Please tell me your stories of when someone's done this and it worked out well.

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 24/01/2016 16:19

Sorry you're struggling, it's a big change and you have some adjusting to do. Remember though that the right decision is not necessarily the easiest.

FWIW I met my exH when I was 18 and left him after 17 years, my relationship was awful except I didn't realise the extent of it at the time! So in my eyes I was in a similar position to you, unhappy but no major deal breakers like violence or affairs. I moved back in with my mum for 6 months, then rented a room in a house share for another 6 months before meeting my now DH. Life seemed a bit bleak at the time sitting back in my old bedroom at the age of 35 but life is a million times better than it was.

Don't regret the past you never actually had Flowers

Jibberjabberjooo · 24/01/2016 16:25

I did up thread! I'm now married to someone else who is brilliant and who after ten years I still love and we have two wonderful children.

How are you feeling? I found that although the break up was hard, it was comfortable because it was a habit, I didn't know anything else. That wasn't a reason to stay together.

It took a while for my confidence to grow but it did, I want out a lot, saw some other people and even had a few flings. I went travelling and saw the world. Eventually met my dh and that was it.

If I'd have stayed with my ex I would have been bored, frustrated, unhappy, lonely and probably divorced.

I'm so glad we broke up and I had the opportunity to become me rather than me and him, which is what I'd always been.

Creampastry · 24/01/2016 16:33

You sound like you've be one friends and lost the spark. Move on.

NanaNina · 24/01/2016 16:34

It sounds like your BF might have thought this was the best thing for both of you, as he hasn't protested and even packed your stuff! It's very early days (day 1) and you can't hope to feel settled for some considerable time. If in 6 months you both want to get back together then you will.

TheRealBarenziah · 24/01/2016 16:41

I did this - broke up with someone when I was 23 because the relationship was "meh". Admittedly there were other factors - he wasn't keen on marriage, whereas I was keen to progress in that direction if possible; and he'd been meeting a female friends behind my back (he swore platonically) because he thought I'd be jealous. But leaving him was the best thing I ever did. I was miserable for a couple of months, but the pain settled, and after a few months romance blossomed with one of my male friends, and we are now married. I never look backnow and regret ending that relationship.

I agree with previous posters - at 25, and childfree, a relationship should be fun. Keep looking for someone who feels really passion towards you, and who you feel passionate towards.

And don't rush into your next relationship - no matter how painful it feels to be single, give yourself some space.

Jibberjabberjooo · 24/01/2016 16:45

Being with someone who is happy to let life happen is really frustrating in the long run. I felt like I was the only one to have any ambition or thoughts about anything. He didn't even earn enough to pay the rent and couldn't be bothered to do anything about it either. He was happier playing the play station.

It's been a few days, give it time!

hellsbellsmelons · 25/01/2016 09:55

Mine worked out well (to start with)
Met my ExH and got married had a wonderful daughter and 15 years together.
I wouldn't change it for the world.
His wandering dick ended things for us.
I'm now with a gorgeous, lovely man. We have a great time and loads in common. Buying a house and thinking about how and where we will retire etc....
You KNOW you've done the right thing.
Just give yourself some time. You'll see.
Post here in a year or so when you have met an exciting man that you totally love and want to spend the rest of your life with.
Then we can all say - 'See, told ya!'

BlondeOnATreadmill · 25/01/2016 10:23

It's this really, isn't it?

Original poster
ashmts · 15/02/2016 14:00

I'm finding it really hard. I know it's only been three weeks and I'm managing okay day to day but I don't know what to do with my life. I feel like I'm biding my time staying at my mum and dad's, just waiting until enough time has passed that I can ask him to take me back. Which feels utterly pointless, I've just made us both miserable for no reason.

Then other times I feel like I need to make the most of this and like it might be the right time to buy a flat? Even if we do get back together I could rent it out. But it's scary and feels like a big step away from him.

OP posts:
cruusshed · 15/02/2016 15:44

How are you spending your time now? Are you replacing the time/activities you spent with him doing other stuff with other people?

You need to expect a 'mourning' period. And some (unnecessary) guilt as you called time - although it seems he was already detached/drifting from the relationship also. He has been a big chunk of your life - you just need to come to terms with that and appreciate that there will be emotions of loss but that does not mean the right thing is to go back to him.

The emotional pain may get worse before it gets better.

I think it is positive that you are looking forward regarding buying a flat ... why not explore that -

Have a look at the 5 stages of grief/loss - you have a lot to go thru - it takes time ... where do you think you are on this path right now? Do you recognise anything ?

psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

Original poster
ashmts · 15/02/2016 23:07

I'm trying to spend as much time as possible with friends. I don't have loads, my two closest friends are colleagues but we see each other a lot outside of work. He worked lots of evenings and weekends and I'm usually 9-5 so in that respect it's not a massive change.

I think I'm in denial/bargaining cos I keep thinking I can go back. I'm sad a lot too.

OP posts:
Phoenix69 · 16/02/2016 05:23

You said i think he wants me to move in and get married you think? Did he say that or did you talk about it?

Did you actually sit down and talk about how you felt before you split? Any relationship needs talk and discussion to make each other feel wanted and needed to ensure that passion continues. Nothing worse than a chugging along relationship with no passion. Especially at 25 and no kids.

If you still miss each other, talk about what you both want if that is together then get back and have fun. Make the most of life.