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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship advice. Male question.

57 replies

TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 09:30

Good morning people, I just needed a female perspective on something that is troubling me to see if I'm being unreasonable....

I'm Gareth, 42 from Northern England. I have been dating, my girlfriend of 51 now for 18 months & I don't think we're moving forward.

I do everything for her, try to be the best boyfriend that I can be, yet it feels like it's going nowhere. I do all her maintenance stuff around the house, take her on holidays, try to be as supportive as possible, give her space etc, yet after 18 months, we see each other for a couple of hours in the week & again at the weekend. Am I being unreasonable in wanting more? I don't expect to be waited upon, get involved with stuff & think I'm low maintenance. We've talked about a future together yet, nothing seems to be happening. Whenever I try talking to her, she shushes me as she's watching Tv. Do you think I should:

A) Get out and move on?
B) Stick it out?
C) Something else?

I'd not normally put up with this however, I do love her. Thoughts???

Gareth

OP posts:

RecycledJotta · 18/01/2016 09:36

Have you asked her?

Original poster

TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 09:53

I've asked her to marry me & she doesn't want to as her son is getting married & doesn't want to crash his limelight, which I get.

OP posts:

Dragonsdaughter · 18/01/2016 10:01

If you do all her house maintaince etc but only see her a limiterld amount of time I think she wants a handy man not a lover :) Why do you see each other so little? Ok no marriage but you could still live together ?

Original poster

TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 10:08

She says she's not ready for it. She has two older daughters living at home. When does someone become ready for it? She says we've only been together 18 months, whilst I think that's quite a long time

OP posts:

Dragonsdaughter · 18/01/2016 10:18

I think at 42 and 51 - 18mths is quite a long time if you are both mature and reasonable people. Why do you not see more of each other ? I semi lived with my DH for various reasons for a while and that worked well for about 2 years. I think if you have really talked it over and she has no real valid reasons I would go for A.

Gobbolino6 · 18/01/2016 10:19

I'd ask her to sit down and discuss where you each see things standing.

Original poster

TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 10:23

I'd like to think we're both mature & reasonable. She's fiercely independent in her outlook & I get that. The more I think about it, the more I think I'm not wrong to want more

OP posts:

Vaginaaa · 18/01/2016 10:23

A but for her sake not yours. If you think doing things for someone you apparently love enough to marry means that she is obligated to spend a certain amount of time with you in exchange, you need a rethink.

People do things at different speeds. Not everyone wants to be with their partner constantly. Maybe you need someone more clingy and less independent.

Dragonsdaughter · 18/01/2016 10:26

Vaginaaa - bit harsh - op sounds fine and is hardly controlling

Original poster

TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 10:31

That's exactly right, I'm far from controlling. Retained all my interests, just think I maybe compromising my principles now

OP posts:

Vaginaaa · 18/01/2016 10:37

I didn't say anything about being controlling. Some men seem to think doing things for a woman means you buy more of her time or affection or are entitled to more back from her than she is comfortable with. That's how the OP reads to me.

Dragonsdaughter · 18/01/2016 10:39

Thenaze you are allowed to be dissatisfied with the amount of contact you have and also to wonder why she doesnt want to make more of a commitment.

bb888 · 18/01/2016 10:41

It seems like you just both want different things out of this? That's not wrong, you just need to decide how much of a difference in expectation you can put up with.

Dragonsdaughter · 18/01/2016 10:41

Rubbish - all hes trying to say is that he wants to see her more and have a commitment - it wasn't 'Ive cut her hedge so she should shag me' in any way

Threefishys · 18/01/2016 10:42

I can somewhat understand her viewpoint but I also see yours. If you are ready to settle with her and she is not then really it is your choice. If you love her enough to live at her pace then you have to stay together and make the most of it but if you are looking to make a full life with someone clearly at present she is not the one.

DrMorbius · 18/01/2016 10:45

LTB

Vaginaaa · 18/01/2016 10:46

It was more the "I've done maintenance, holidays, support and given her space so she should want to see me more" vibe I was getting. Wanting to see her more is one thing. Listing all the nice things you do and then wondering why that hasn't earned you more time with someone is another.

Original poster

TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 10:52

The point I was trying to make was I'm not offish & would run through a brick wall for her. I was just trying to make the point I'm reasonable. dragonsdaughter summed it up perfectly.

OP posts:

Dragonsdaughter · 18/01/2016 10:55

Erh no its not - being happy to let somonrle do loads of maintaince and shiz but limiting contact to that of a teenage realionship is not being 'independant' its being a user.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2016 10:55

If I was "fiercely independent" with grown up dc still at home, I wouldn't be moving some bloke in either

Especially if he was whining about "how much he did for me"

Op, stop doing the maintenance stuff if you only see it as tit for tat. It doesn't gain you brownie points.

At your ages (which I am, thereabouts) I would be forging my own independent life and putting myself/dc/dgc first. A partner would be a pleasant addition, not someone to build the whole thing around.

Dragonsdaughter · 18/01/2016 10:59

Any fucker at no point has the op said he wines at the GF about how much he does - its actually a fucking huge leap from him saying on here how he is supportive of her to saying he whines.

DeoGratias · 18/01/2016 11:02

I suspect this will all come down to your net work and annual income and her protecting her children and their lives, inheritance etc.

Surprise me and tell me you are worth 3x what she is and earn a lot more.

Original poster

TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 11:06

I will surprise you, that is the case financially.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 18/01/2016 11:09

Believe it or not, some women would rather be independent than be rushed into something they are not (or may never be) ready for

OP, what is the story with her. Did she have a long marriage ? How did that pan out for her ?

Twinklestein · 18/01/2016 11:14

OP if you were female, posters here would tell you that your partner is only half committed. And she is.

I can see why she doesnt want to move in with anyone with a couple of kids at home. She's in this relationship part time as that suits her priorities and her schedule.

You and she are not looking for the same thing. She could do with a partner who is in a comparable situation to her - kids at home not looking to move in.

You've looking for a fully committed relationship - living together, sharing lives.

However much you love her I can't see that's going to change in the near future. I would accept you want different things from this, and move and find someone who wants what you want.

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