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Original poster

Relationship advice. Male question.

57 replies

TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 09:30

Good morning people, I just needed a female perspective on something that is troubling me to see if I'm being unreasonable....

I'm Gareth, 42 from Northern England. I have been dating, my girlfriend of 51 now for 18 months & I don't think we're moving forward.

I do everything for her, try to be the best boyfriend that I can be, yet it feels like it's going nowhere. I do all her maintenance stuff around the house, take her on holidays, try to be as supportive as possible, give her space etc, yet after 18 months, we see each other for a couple of hours in the week & again at the weekend. Am I being unreasonable in wanting more? I don't expect to be waited upon, get involved with stuff & think I'm low maintenance. We've talked about a future together yet, nothing seems to be happening. Whenever I try talking to her, she shushes me as she's watching Tv. Do you think I should:

A) Get out and move on?
B) Stick it out?
C) Something else?

I'd not normally put up with this however, I do love her. Thoughts???

Gareth

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 11:15

She was married for 20 years before & split over 10 years ago. Talking this through with you all is really giving me some perspective on it all. I'm thinking now, that we probably want different things long term, so it's best to cut my losses & run. The weird irony is, when I'm not normally that into a women & are just dating they always want more. All the old stereotypes are so true. I think I have my answer, just do my own thing, don't give a & it all works out. Weird that.....

OP posts:
KramerVSKramer · 18/01/2016 11:19

You're unsure where you stand with someone who lets you be supportive yet us distant and doesn't give you time/commitment.

It sounds like you're worth more than she can offer.

Time to move on OP. And don't look back.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2016 11:20

So, you are feeling uncomfortable that instead of you being "just not that into" someone, the tables are turned on you ?

It's all a learning curve

Offred · 18/01/2016 11:33

It's not weird because women, like men, are all different.

Sometimes you meet people who are more into you than you are into them. Sometimes you are more into them than they are you.

Sometimes you meet people who are great but you want different things from the relationship, in that case I'd look at why you want marriage and commitment and whether it is important enough to lose that person.

Original poster
TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 11:42

I think to a degree I'm trying to fathom out what is an appropriate timeline to a relationship. I know they are all different but, after 18 months I feel like the dynamic is too one sided. Talking about this has given me clarity around what I need, which isn't much I don't think. Just will concentrate on my own life, put myself first & end it. And just trust my gut instinct. If someone is that evasive & I'm not getting what I want in a relationship, I'll do what I'd normally do & walk.

OP posts:
Offred · 18/01/2016 11:52

The appropriate timeline depends on what you each want and how the relationship is.

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and we have separate independent lives and see each other at weekends because it suits both of us (for different reasons).

If you are offering things like marriage and commitment because of ideas about 'what should happen' then I don't think you're approaching this in the right way and possibly you are not all that fussed about her as a person.

Offred · 18/01/2016 11:53

But if you aren't getting your needs met then yes, move on.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2016 11:53

Your timeline is different to her timeline. So there you go.

Dragonsdaughter · 18/01/2016 11:59

Lol I would be questioning does she have a timeline ? After 18mths I would be able to say yes this is the man I want to marry/live with - and if my lifestyle ment that it would be in 2/3/4 years I would be able to say why - ie still have kids at home etc or Never as I love you but want to live on my own forever. the fact thats she has no real answers is what would worry me.

Dragonsdaughter · 18/01/2016 12:01

But your 'walk away because thats what I always do' is also worrying - if I were her and you had a history of just walking away when the going got tough - i would be very reluctant to commit.

Offred · 18/01/2016 12:01

I think the idea of having 'a timeline' for relationship 'goals' is quite strange and restrictive tbh.

Original poster
TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 12:04

Dragonsdaughter, that's what worried me. I don't think I'm being unreasonable asking when, if it's 5 years then great so be it but, not committing to anything at all, doesn't cut it for me.

And as for the previous poster, what I meant about walking away is, if you're not getting from a relationship than walk, as we all would. We only get one go at life

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 18/01/2016 13:10

You have tried to talk to her and been shushed which is a bit of a worry but you need to make that conversation happen. Go out somewhere and set out your concerns? You aren't happy with the status quo and she is so the only way to resolve things is to discuss and then decide.

Walking away without a full discussion is crazy, you will never know. I suspect that with a son getting married and two daughters at home she feels fairly fully committed and enjoys a part time relationship. As a woman of a similar age I can tell you that several of my friends describe this as perfect. Very likely when the daughters have moved on she would feel differently. Whether you want to wait or not is the question.

So talk.

JohnThomas69 · 18/01/2016 13:29

Op. You sound much more sensible and emotionally stable than most of the people replying to your questions. Viewing from where I'm sitting I'd suggest you trust your own judgement on this one.

Original poster
TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 13:37

Thanks John, you can only trust your own judgement.

Matilda, if someone is evasive, there's only so many times you can talk surely? Thanks for your reply

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 18/01/2016 13:39

She's just not that into you.

If I were you I'd back off on putting up shelves for her or send her an invoice.

Original poster
TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 13:52

Haha, good answer OTheHuge, made me laugh. I won't be sending an invoice :) I think it's time to say goodbye

OP posts:
crazyhead · 18/01/2016 15:17

People want different things - sometimes it is obvious from the beginning, sometimes it is clear over time. It doesn't sound as though anyone has really been deceiving anyone else here, but you aren't on the same page! Perhaps neither of you knew that until now.

I think that regardless of whether this is 18 months in or 3 years, 2 hours contact a week or living in each other's pockets, the biggest issue is the feeling of one-sidedness

It might be good for you to have a proper conversation with your GF if at all possible, just so you aren't walking away without closure. However, if she still proves evasive, then you can't work on a dynamic where only one person is participating.

DrMorbius · 18/01/2016 16:36

She's just not that into you

^^ This. Don't just ignore the obvious. You both seem to want different things. If you are not happy, filling the bit part she has allocated you, then end it. Move on to someone you are more in tune with.

I am no fan of a 10 year age gap anyway. Personally I suspect that is half the problem.

Original poster
TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 16:38

Wise words Dr. I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to end it tomorrow when I see her.

OP posts:
Offred · 18/01/2016 16:53

Are you sure it's not actually that you aren't really that interested in her too?

I mean you seem very hung up on the idea of relationship progression and timelines... Very uncompromising on that. If she still had children at home I can understand why she might feel living with anyone is off the table. I think if you really felt strongly enough about her to marry her then you might accept that and compromise.

Offred · 18/01/2016 16:55

It seems a little strange to dump someone because after 18 months of dating they aren't ready for marriage.

No way I would want to marry someone after only 18 months when I had children at home, way too quick!

DrMorbius · 18/01/2016 17:12

Offred it's not just marriage, Op's gf will not discuss their future at all (she shushes him).

Op posted I don't think I'm being unreasonable asking when, if it's 5 years then great so be it

Time to find someone who wants you Op.

Offred · 18/01/2016 20:38

But if he has proposed, entirely inappropriately (from her perspective) and is bothering about his timelines rather than actually asking her how she feels when they talk I can see why she'd be dismissive. Does he actually know what she wants and how she feels?

lorelei9 · 18/01/2016 20:46

I can't help thinking you should ask when she's not watching TV!

I was probably like her in my last two relationships, no matter how much time passed I decided that meeting twice a week was enough. I didn't see a next step.

Eventually I decided I was better off single. I think you should talk to her, long term it sounds like she doesn't want more from a relationship I'm afraid.

The other thing I'd say is be careful. I've got a couple of friends who agreed to see partners more often mostly due to not wanting to lose them all together. It can end up going a bit sour if one person just tolerates the extra time rather than actively wanting it themselves.

I think the son getting married is a total red herring, could have said yes and had a long engagement if she wanted to.