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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH just told me he's been raped.

92 replies

Muddywellyboots · 14/01/2016 14:22

That really. Been together a long time. Recently had our 3rd baby which has been stressful. We haven't been getting on for about 6 months and now I know why. He admitted to pushing me away to protect me. I feel so awful for him. We're going to get some help but I'm struggling to process things. Anyone got any words to help us?

OP posts:
Pain1 · 14/01/2016 14:24

Im so sorry.
Did this happen recently or in childhood if you don't mind me asking.
Is it something he wants to report?

Original poster
Muddywellyboots · 14/01/2016 14:24

8 months ago. Whilst on a lads weekend away. He doesn't want to report it.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2016 14:26

God, poor man. :(

He might not want to report it but he needs to seek help for it - counselling or something - to try and get through it.

Hissy · 14/01/2016 14:26

oh the poor man! I feel so bad for him!

I hope that there are links here that can help him find some real support.

Just listen to him and remind him who he is and how much you love him.

that's my instinctive response anyway

Original poster
Muddywellyboots · 14/01/2016 14:27

I know. It's so awful. He's really suffering emotionally which is understandable. We're on the waiting list for counselling but it will take 2 months minimum to get any.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 14/01/2016 14:29

Bloody hell thats awful. It must have taken a lot for him to tell you. Do you think he would see somebody to talk about it?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2016 14:30

Have you directed him here? rapecrisis.org.uk/supportformenboys.php

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2016 14:31

Or here? www.survivorsuk.org/ - this is specifically for men, and is linked to off the Rape Crisis page I just linked to.

whatevva · 14/01/2016 14:31

rapecrisis.org.uk/supportformenboys.php

There is a link to a leaflet made by Birmingham on this page.

There may be other sources of counselling depending on where you live.

2legit2knit · 14/01/2016 14:33

Sorry to hear that, hear are a couple of organisations that could give him some support:

02035983898 Survivors UK

0808 800 5005 Safeline

VulvaVoom · 14/01/2016 14:33

No advice really but for a man (and a woman too I guess) but paticularly a man, I imagine it must have been so hard to tell you. Poor, poor bloke. Hope you feel able to support him through it, you may need support yourself as well.

MitzyLeFrouf · 14/01/2016 14:41

Poor man, how awful for him. Great that he's told you though and great that you're seeking professional support.

ingeniousidiot · 14/01/2016 14:43

That must be terrible for him and you - is it someone he knows?

Jessbow · 14/01/2016 14:44

By a lad or by a girl? Sorry if that sounds daft

If it was with a lad, was it one that he went away with or a stranger?

Difficult times, hang on in there

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2016 14:44

I am so sorry to read what happened to him. I would suggest you contact the organisations that have been listed here as soon as you are able. You both need support urgently.

It is not your man's fault that this happened. I write that because he likely blames himself.

QueenofallIsee · 14/01/2016 14:45

I am so sorry that this happened to your husband and by extension to you..seeing someone that you love in such turmoil and pain must be horrendous. Do help him to find the courage to get checked for STDs etc, his physical health is as at risk as his mental health. I would urge group support as a means of talking in a 'safe place'.

Was he assaulted by someone he knows? I am only asking as helping him come to terms with reporting it for his and others safety becomes even more important if the risk is 'on the doorstep' so to speak

Idefix · 14/01/2016 14:46

How awful for your dh and for you, your shock is totally understandable.
All the above support options are good, or gp if you have one that your dh will be able to speak too.

Tigerblue · 14/01/2016 14:48

How awful for him and what a shock for you. The coming months might not be easy for either of you, you might both be upset, there'll be times he might talk others he'll want to push it aside, but try and be there for him. Don't forget you need support as well, whether someone to talk to whether personally or on here.

I hope one of the links above can offer support right now, it's now he chosen to talk about it and possibly deal with it, not leaving it two months to bring it all up again.

Gazelda · 14/01/2016 14:48

Any way he could access counselling privately? Poor man, to have bottled that up for 8 months must have been dreadful.

I hope you both can process this and move forward with your lives in time.

Would he be comfortable if you were to mention it to your HV in case he/she has access any form of support for you that would be quicker than the 2 months? I know that the priority is for your DH to get help, but this might be a little shortcut and a means to helping you to support him.

pocketsaviour · 14/01/2016 14:53

Hi OP, very sorry to hear this. It is encouraging that he has been able to tell you.

Survivors Network My late husband was one of the founder members of Survivors Network in Yorkshire.

There is help out there for your DH - there is a lot of stigma still for male victims but slowly and surely it is becoming less.

My advice for you is to be there if he wants to talk, but know your limitations - you are not a professional and you cannot "fix" him on your own - your job is to provide a safe and supportive environment for him to seek help in healing.

Please do not put any pressure on him to report. Being able to make his own decisions and take control back is really important at this stage.

Best wishes for both of you Flowers

WoodHeaven · 14/01/2016 14:53

RapeCrisis is great. Give them a call, they can really help.

abbsismyhero · 14/01/2016 14:53

can i bring up the awful subject of an STI check? sorry but you both need one (really sorry there is no way to put that nicely online is there)

pocketsaviour · 14/01/2016 14:54

Also meant to say - if he works for a large company which offers an Employee Assistance Program, he may be able to access counselling through that. He wouldn't have to tell anyone at work or at the EAP what it was about. In fact work wouldn't know that he was accessing the service, full stop.

MummyPig24 · 14/01/2016 14:55

How awful, poor man. I agree that rape crisis are brilliant.

MrsHathaway · 14/01/2016 14:56

I believe him.

Victims of sexual assault can feel dirty, spoiled, tarnished. As his wife you can cherish him and show him that what happened is no reflection on him, only on the rapist.

Start by believing him and validating his hurt feelings. Help him to approach his GP for medication or talking therapies if either or both would be appropriate.

Good luck to you both.