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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My DH just told me he's been raped.

92 replies

Muddywellyboots · 14/01/2016 14:22

That really. Been together a long time. Recently had our 3rd baby which has been stressful. We haven't been getting on for about 6 months and now I know why. He admitted to pushing me away to protect me. I feel so awful for him. We're going to get some help but I'm struggling to process things. Anyone got any words to help us?

OP posts:
juneau · 15/01/2016 18:55

God - how awful for him - and for you too. Please encourage him to report it. There is CCTV everywhere these days, so there is a good chance that they will have been caught on a camera somewhere.

UnDeuxTroisCatsSank · 15/01/2016 18:56

Coconutty

I don't think it it the OP's responsibility to prevent more rapes.

PitPatKitKat · 15/01/2016 18:58

Agree with UnDeuxTrois

Coconutty · 15/01/2016 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistressMerryWeather · 15/01/2016 19:05

He doesn't need to do anything apart from try and get through this traumatic experience.

He has only just told his wife.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 15/01/2016 19:11

I'm so sorry OP. I believe him. Thinking of you both and it sounds like you have a strong and loving marriage. You will get through this.

Muddywellyboots · 15/01/2016 20:53

We discussed reporting it but it was abroad and awhile ago. He left the country early the next day and also didn't feel able to report it at the time as he didn't think they would believe a tourist and he was in shock.

OP posts:
PitPatKitKat · 15/01/2016 22:07

Coconutty I think it's right to treat a victim with support and respect and let them decide themselves what is best for them.

Sexual attack or rape is an act where the victim's agency and right to make decisions about their own body is ignored, so my feeling is that it is healing to totally respect their agency and decision making powers. I think it is also healing to focus on that person and their needs and make them the centre of what is happening, not to focus on the potential needs of others.

I would really never tell someone to report an attack or not to report an attack- they know themselves what is best/safest/possible for them. I would then support them in whatever their decision was, or if directly asked, help them find sufficient information to make an informed decision about whether to report or not, one that takes into consideration things like their safety, how well police in that area are equipped to deal with such reports (i.e. will they take it seriously, will the victim be exposed to a lot of disbelief/harassment) and so on.

Fundamentally, when someone is traumatised by an attack, I think any kind of pressure is unhelpful. Anything that might use what could be perceived as an attempt to guilt tactics to influence a decision is also unhelpful.

I do also believe that sexual predators should be held accountable for their actions and punished appropriately. I think the right way to apply pressure to make sure that more predators are caught and held accountable and that the way the police service and legal system better meet up with the needs of victims after an attack, is to lobby for/campaign for reform of/better resourcing for the police service and legal system, or a change in law, or for a change in societal attitudes.

At the moment, although things (in some areas) have improved vastly, there is still a big disconnect between the way system operates from a police/legal point of view and from the victim's point of view, especially about emotional and physical needs.

I think applying pressure to someone who is already reeling from an attack is usually well meant but also usually ultimately counterproductive for that person. As a society, we should shoulder the burden for change in attitudes to sexual violence, not make it the responsibility of the victims, who have already been given a huge burden to carry.

If it is right for person's recovery and safety that they choose to get involved in that process, then that is another thing. That is entirely their choice and something we need to get better at as a society before we start talking about duties to report etc. (especially when there is such a big discrepancy between reports and prosecutions already).

SirBoobAlot · 15/01/2016 22:22

Coconutty reporting a rape is a horrific thing to have to do. Do not put any bullshit pressure onto anyone to do so.

OP, much love to you and your DH. He is not alone. RapeCrisis really are fantastic.

Coconutty · 15/01/2016 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Houseof5boys · 15/01/2016 23:10

I'm so sorry to hear that you and your DH are going through this Op, you sound like you are being an amazing support to you him.
I know a few pp have suggested some great places for you to contact but I just wanted to add The Survivors Trust to the list, I volunteer for this amazing organisation and we help survivors of rape and sexual assault and their families. We have several centres around the country so may have a centre need you. The website lists all the areas covered. Thanks

UnDeuxTroisCatsSank · 16/01/2016 08:51

Coconutty

Your post said he "needs" to report it...but this need is all about preventing further attacks.

He is a victim. What he "needs" is whatever helps his recovery.

Coconutty · 16/01/2016 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jollyjester · 16/01/2016 09:23

Morning OP how are things?

This must feel like the worst time in the world for you both as a couple but the fact that your DH has confided in you means that he wants to seek help and he wants you by his side to do it.

I'm sure If you contact some of the places listed up thread they will be of massive support to you both and I just wanted to say good luck and don't forget about maybe some counselling for yourself if you feel its necessary. Flowers

Muddywellyboots · 16/01/2016 19:22

We are ok thanks. He has gone out tonight to see some friends which I think he needs. Its intense being with the kids all day! I have looked at the websites suggested and found some useful resources. Thank you to everyone for the suggestions and support. x

OP posts:
PitPatKitKat · 17/01/2016 00:09

Take care MuddyWellyBoots x

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/01/2016 00:24

Hope he manages to get the help that he probably needs and gets past this - glad you're being so supportive to him (of course!) and helping him find what he needs.
Thanks to you both.

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