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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH just told me he's been raped.

92 replies

Muddywellyboots · 14/01/2016 14:22

That really. Been together a long time. Recently had our 3rd baby which has been stressful. We haven't been getting on for about 6 months and now I know why. He admitted to pushing me away to protect me. I feel so awful for him. We're going to get some help but I'm struggling to process things. Anyone got any words to help us?

OP posts:
Finola1step · 14/01/2016 14:58

Oh my goodness, your poor DH. How awful. Whatever he decides to do, rl support will be so important. Please do consider contacting rape crisis for him and for you.

And whenever you need, mnetters will be here. To hold your hand, to listen and to support. 24/7. Flowers

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 14/01/2016 15:05

Oh, I'm so sorry. How dreadful Sad.

All you can do is be as loving & supportive as possible - which I'm sure you'd do anyway.

He says he doesn't want to report it and of course that is his choice. Could I ask whether the attacker was a stranger or someone he knew? I only ask in case it was someone who might be hard to avoid in the future.

RattusRattus · 14/01/2016 15:06

OMG - your poor DH. Have no advice but hope you both get the support you need. Flowers

cailindana · 14/01/2016 15:07

It's great that he felt able to tell you - that's a massive first step. It's also great that you're supportive, not all partners are.

It'll take time but he can heal. He needs to keep talking about it and processing it, it does become easier to deal with.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 14/01/2016 15:08

Something else which has just sprung to mind - has he had an STI check up since the attack?

If not, it might be worth encouraging him to have one, to at least put your minds at rest over that aspect. Go with him to the appointment, if it's possible to find childcare.

DownstairsMixUp · 14/01/2016 15:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ALaughAMinute · 14/01/2016 15:12

So sorry for you and your DH, but thank goodness he told you. Flowers

Was he raped by a man or a woman?

feesh · 14/01/2016 15:14

I know the person who runs Survivors UK - please approach them, they are a wonderful charity. I can't imagine what your DH is going through.

PitPatKitKat · 14/01/2016 15:26

So sorry to hear that MuddyWellyBoots. Flowers. My heart just breaks for you both that he has been subjected to such an awful experience.

When I was younger, a previous partner confided in me about a sexual assault he had suffered a couple of years before. I second a pp in saying that Survivors UK are very helpful. They can also be very supportive and helpful in giving you advice on how best to support your DH.

One of the things they told me was the fact that my partner confided in me about showed how much trust he had in me and how strong our relationship was. That the fact he was starting to speak about it showed that a healing process was underway and the fact that he saw his partner as someone he could trust to be part of that healing process was very good thing.

So I would suggest seeking support whilst you wait for counselling. By this I mean both you and your DH. Survivors UK have free web chat and text chat support functions with trained people. I just checked the web chat and they are available now to chat.

Their usual hours are 10.30am-9pm M-F and 10-6 at weekends and the pages tells you whether someone is available at that moment or not.

I wish you and your DH every good wish and strength in the world.

coffeeisnectar · 14/01/2016 15:30

Poor guy, rape is dreadful and it can destroy you mentally. Please encourage him to seek help from the info pp have given.

Chamonix1 · 14/01/2016 17:09

That's terrible OP, but it's shows how much he trusts you now he's told you, how terrible for him. Just be there for him and encourage him to get the help he is seeking and he needs.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/01/2016 17:12

Oh how awful. The poor guy. And bottling it up too.

WilLiAmHerschel · 14/01/2016 17:22

I'm sorry to hear that op but am glad he has opened up to you and that you're seeking professional help.

I had some difficult situations in my past that I struggled to cope with but my dp has helped me and I'm finally feel like I've made some mental progress. The best things he has done for me is given me an ear and let me talk away and cry at the bad things; he never told me to stop going on about it. Also he never judged me or made me feel bad, he made me see that I could not be held responsible for things outside my control. So carry on being there and carry on loving and supporting him.

Original poster
Muddywellyboots · 15/01/2016 08:42

Thank you everyone. I'll definitely contact some of the organisations mentioned.

For those who asked he did get checked for STIs as he unfortunately contracted something. I've been checked now too and waiting results. It was 2 male strangers and it sounded like he was targeted.

OP posts:
Offred · 15/01/2016 09:59

For your information, not necessarily for your DH yet, there are a couple of (difficult) things I think you should be aware of (sorry if this is a bit much to read just now) as the person closest to him that are specific to the anal rape of a man.

Because of the prostate's position in the anus some men can become erect, feel pleasure and ejaculate during an anal rape. This can obviously make the whole thing very confusing. If he did experience physical sexual pleasure during the rape this does not make him abnormal, it doesn't mean he enjoyed it, wanted it or is gay or any other confusing and self blaming emotion he may be feeling. It makes the recovery more complicated.

The main thing to remember in supporting someone who has been raped is that they are in control of who they talk to, how much or what to talk about.

They need to feel in control of the talking part, but it is beneficial to seek support. So encourage support rather than push to talk. Support services do not require you to say more than you feel you are able. Their aim is to support you to be able to talk more, not push you into anything.

People who have a good support networks and reach out to support services recover more quickly and more comprehensively.

This was not his fault, he is not responsible for the appalling actions of other people and we all believe him and want to support him.

Offred · 15/01/2016 10:05

He can also get support from victim support, who are a charity independent of the police, and will give support whether or not he has reported it. The main advantage of this is that as well as emotional support they can give him information about what would happen if he did report it and support through that process if he chose to. They won't pressure him to report either.

It is normal to not want to report, part of protecting yourself from it but you can sometimes regret not reporting it later on. It's a decision only he can make, support services will respect whatever he chooses but IMO it is worth finding out what would happen if he did, if he is able.

whatdoIget · 15/01/2016 10:09

That's terrible. Your poor dp. I believe him too.

wonkylampshade · 15/01/2016 10:22

Horrific. Your poor DH. It must have taken a lot of courage for him to tell you about it, and I hope you are both able to access some kind of help to process and cope with it Thanks

yououghtaknow · 15/01/2016 14:07

I'm so sorry this has happened to your DP.

I'm female so it's slightly different but I was raped a number of years ago, it was someone I knew and I was targeted by having my drink spiked. I didn't tell anyone for a while as I felt so ashamed and dirty but it meant my relationship with my DH suffered.

I did eventually tell DH and did report to the police but they felt there wasn't enough evidence to prosecute..I didn't want to report it but DH pushed me to and being honest ti this day I'm still not sure I did the right thing reporting it as in our circumstances it turned our lives upside down as we knew the people involved and lived in a small community.

Please get some help from rape crisis or the survivors network not only for your DH but for you too. I didn't realise it at the time but my DH was as much a victim as me and it's forever changed our relationship. We both managed to come out of the other end but it's been a long slog with us both having counselling separate and together as a couple.

Sansoora · 15/01/2016 16:44

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Titsalinabumsquash · 15/01/2016 16:46

Erm, Sansoora, Mumsnet run a 'we believe you' campaign. Angry

Sansoora · 15/01/2016 16:49

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WorraLiberty · 15/01/2016 16:52

FFS Sansoora

Do you ask all rape victim's partners that question? Hmm

purplefizz26 · 15/01/2016 16:53

Very inappropriate and uncalled for comment sansoora.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 15/01/2016 16:53

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