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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand holding needed- Dp has been arrested for trying to assault my ds.

69 replies

emilybrontescorset · 05/01/2016 23:52

Hi

I'm still in shock.
Dp has just moved in.
We had been together over 2 years.
Everything seemed perfect.
He began to push me towards enforcing ' rules'
He is a very different type of parent to me.

My kids come first, always have and always will. He knew this from the moment we met.

I thought he was honest with me, told me very personal things etc.

Tonight after a petty row with my teenage ds, he grabbed my ds in a head lock. My dd began screaming and told him to get the hell off him.

He then produced a baseball bat and ran after my ds.

I was in total shock.
The police came and kept myself and the dc in one room.

Dp was arrested .

I have told the police officer that whatever the outcome, he has not to come here.

I've packed his stuff.

Can't believe it.
He was never violent towards me, ever.
His daughter came and told me that he had beat her and her mother.

Wtf!

He must never come near us again.

His daughter never told me before.
I don't blame her though and I've said I'll stay in touch with her.

OP posts:
StickyProblem · 05/01/2016 23:55

How awful for you OP. Hope your DS is OK. Glad you got this awful man out of your house.

NameChange30 · 05/01/2016 23:58

Bloody hell. How is your son? Hope he's ok. Who called the police? Well done to whoever did it.

It must have been a massive shock for you all. Not sure what to say really except that you're obviously doing the right thing to kick him out and end the relationship.

SarcasticAndRabidAngryHarpy · 05/01/2016 23:58

Here holding a hand...

While this evening sounds grim it sounds like you've all had a lucky escape from a longer-term life with this man. How are you, and your DC? Poor son, while you must all have been terrified he was the focus of this violent man.

I guess he was hoping to slowly erode your life with his rules.

Do you have RL support?

NameChange30 · 05/01/2016 23:59

I meant to also say, sorry this happened. And hope you've had lots of Brew!

PoundingTheStreets · 05/01/2016 23:59

Flowers Brew

I'm so, so sorry you've had to experience this. But how amazing are you for taking such a strong stance against it on the first (and only) occasion! You've managed to turn what could be something incredibly damaging to your relationship with your DS into a positive bond between you, uniting you against the wrongness of what your X has done.

Hope you find lots of support to help you through this.

ittooshallpass · 06/01/2016 00:00

Oh poor you. What a dreadful shock.
Be proud that you have done the right thing and packed his bags. You have shown your children they will always come first.
Have you got someone in RL who can be with you?
I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your family.

wonkylampshade · 06/01/2016 00:05

How awful for you but WELL DONE for having such amazing clarity in dealing with the situation.

Original poster
emilybrontescorset · 06/01/2016 00:10

Thank you.
I'm ashamed to say my dd(19) rang the police.
She was the one who saw him get the baseball bat I ran after my ds , I don't know what I was thinking.
My dd2 said I was looking through everyone as if I couldn't grasp what was happening.

I think I wanted to stay with ds as I didn't want dp near him.

my ds seems ok.

I cannot believe I gave spent over 2 years with a violent man.

His dd said he attended anger management.

She also told me he met another woman whilst he was still married to her mother. What a bastard.

He knew I would never ever tolerate a violent partner.

I'm angry at myself for trusting him.

The bastard.

OP posts:
Original poster
emilybrontescorset · 06/01/2016 00:13

I'm glad it has happened whilst I was here.

If he comes near my ds I will kill the bastard.

At least I did not marry him. He had asked me to, also wanted me to change back to my maiden name. I said no because my dcs wanted me to keep the same name.

Don't want to tell anyone in rl yet.
I will just say it didn't work out.
Jesus I'm keeping my key in the lock so he can't get in.

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 06/01/2016 00:13

Fucking hell Shock

How is your ds? And your dd? What a huge shock for you all.

Ohfourfoxache · 06/01/2016 00:16

You have nothing to be ashamed of, or to be angry at yourself about. Promise X

RJnomore1 · 06/01/2016 00:18

Holy duck.

I totally understand the shock and not bring the one that phoned so don't beat yourself up at all.
You've had a lucky escape and you sound very strong about this bring it. Flowers

NameChange30 · 06/01/2016 00:22

"I'm ashamed to say my dd(19) rang the police.
She was the one who saw him get the baseball bat I ran after my ds , I don't know what I was thinking."

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You were in shock and your instinct was to protect your son. I imagine you would have thrown yourself in between them and risked getting hurt yourself to protect him. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that reaction. But I'm very glad your DD phoned the police, I'm sure you've said well done to her for doing it, but if not make sure you do!

Please don't blame yourself, you weren't to know that he was violent and he would do this. I hope you feel able to tell someone in real life tomorrow. Maybe just one person, someone you trust who will be supportive.

Justaboy · 06/01/2016 00:25

Dodged a bullet there! no! a bloody machine gun!

How the hell does this not show up sooner beats me!.

I think "He began to push me towards enforcing ' rules'" sez it all, any chance the police can do him for assault or attempted assault . Might in a way help another poor woman out in future might be difficult for him to conceal that type of conviction.

#So sorry for you!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/01/2016 00:27

The police can obtain a protection order keeping him away from your house withy a power of arrest attached to it if he is unlikely to get bail conditions, can you ring them first thing and ask about this?

Well done

notapizzaeater · 06/01/2016 00:27

So sorry for you, have you anyone in real,life you can cry in ?

At least your children will,know you put them first

Hiddlesnake · 06/01/2016 00:28

Do you need to get your locks changed?

GinBunny · 06/01/2016 00:29

Don't be angry at yourself, he hid his true colours from you. Be proud that you have raised a DD to have the confidence to take control. You're so lucky (not at your DS detriment, I hope you know what I mean?) to have found this out early rather than after a few more years of drip feeding from him where you're sucked in and not sure which way to turn.
Wishing you a better future without him Thanks

Gramgram · 06/01/2016 00:34

Please be very kind to yourself and DCs over the next few days. Also be aware of the possibility of delayed shock for all three of you.

Take care and be strong, you and your DCs have be very brave.

goddessofsmallthings · 06/01/2016 00:35

How old is your ds and has he sustained any physical harm - i.e scrapes/bruises from being held in a headlock?

It's to be hoped your now ex-p will be charged with common assault or abh and that he'll be held in police cells overnight pending an appearance in the Magistrate's later today, or that he'll be released on police bail with conditions that prohibit him from returning to your home and having contact with you or your dc while an investigation into the incident is conducted - this will involve the police taking statements from you/ds/dd etc after which the CPS will decide whether to prosecute.

You've all had a dreadful shock which has been compounded by discovering his violent past. Numerous cuppas and a couple of tots of scotch may help you to process what took place, but be especially kind to yourself and your dc over the next few days as you may feel shaky and could experience flashbacks for months to come.

Your experience goes to show how cunning habitual abusers can be. This man was able to win your trust over a considerable period of time, but as soon as he got his feet under your table the true nature of the beast emerged.

Flowers Well done you for taking such a strong stance and also for resolving to stay in contact with his dd who is another victim of his brutality.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2016 00:40

I dated my exH for 3 years before we married and he never laid a hand on me during all that time. It wasn't until after we were married that the abuse started.

Some men know how to act. They know to keep their violent selves away from us. But once they think they 'have us', then they feel they can do whatever they want.

I'm so sorry for your DS. But you have just escaped an absolute nightmare. Thank God you didn't marry him.

Change your locks tomorrow. Can you bag up his shit and send it somewhere? His relatives? A friend?

Original poster
emilybrontescorset · 06/01/2016 00:40

Thank you everyone.

The police officer said she thought judging by his reaction that he would deny it.
This would then mean it will go to a higher officer to make a decision.
It may result in a court hearing.

I have left it up to my ds to decide if he is willing to go to court.
At the moment I don't want him to, not for dps sake but to protect my ds.

If he admits it he will get a caution most likely.

My main concern is that I do not want him in my house.
I have made the decision to end my relationship.

It has happened so quickly.

I don't want him near me, I don't want his excuses.

He broke his own daughters nose.

I feel so upset.
My dad is upset and angry but understands that I don't want him antagonising, for our sakes, not his.

OP posts:
Original poster
emilybrontescorset · 06/01/2016 00:41

Dd upset not dad.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 06/01/2016 00:48

Bloody hell, glad your ds is ok.

SarcasticAndRabidAngryHarpy · 06/01/2016 00:49

If there are any bruises from the head lock in the morning get DS to the GP or police to have them photographed.

But you are right in your reaction in how to deal with this incident. He's not so much as crossed a line as stampeded through.