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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Ghosted" after 5 years together - disappeared on Boxing Day.....

72 replies

glx · 30/12/2015 21:43

We've been together nearly 5 years - we're not the perfect couple, but we get along. His kids are 18, my son's 12 - they get on really well together and the kids get on well with both of us. He's a real loner - very successful but no social circle, so especially now his are off at uni it can feel a bit suffocating.

Anyway, I invite him to ours for Christmas Day, bought him and his children nice presents, cooked, made it really nice for him, he said he'd had a lovely time.

I've been wondering if we needed to chat abt where we are etc, but thought could wait. Boxing Day morning, I get up to start clearing up - think he had other plans for the early morning - anyway, he storms down past me and my son at 8.30am, not seen or heard from him since.

He has form, he's done extended sulks before, but at Christmas??? I'm torn between never contacting him again or ringing to say what the hell are you doing....but I know I can never take him back can I ? How can I stay with someone who I know there's a good chance will disappear at some point, if not this time, another time. I always go back, I always cajole, stat it up again, but what's the point.... No-one can possibly care at alllllll if that's how they treat me and my son??

I wish I knew what to think.....

OP posts:
RealityCheque · 30/12/2015 21:53

He sounds like he has mental issues. This is not normal behaviour.

Original poster
glx · 30/12/2015 21:59

He's quite quiet, when he's nice, he's nice. When he 's cross with me (sometimes I've done something, this time nothing really) he does have a tendency to do this going quiet thing. I try to take the view that no-one's perfect, but this is too much this time. Plus my son's dad walked out on us 4 years ago, disappeared without trace then took me to court over summer for my son (lost), but stressful all the same. More angry at him doing this to him than to me

OP posts:
ArkATerre · 30/12/2015 22:03

He's a waste of space and you're better off out of it.

Original poster
glx · 30/12/2015 22:08

Guess so. Feel like he was my last chance. I'm 47, like home life, don't want to be out dating and going away at weekends etc, even if I ever met anyone, I want to be at home looking after my boy, cooking dinner on a sat night. Not up for going out finding someone new. Guess that's that

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 30/12/2015 22:10

So, reading between the lines, he wanted sex on Boxing Day morning, and was cross because you got up early to tidy up, so threw away five years in a huff?
He has form for extended sulks?
And then he waits for you to make it all better?

Time to get all aloof and dignified and grateful.

monkina · 30/12/2015 22:10

You say he's sulked before?....what are the triggers for these sulks?....do you know why he left without saying goodbye on boxing day?...

NorksAreMessy · 30/12/2015 22:11

Just because THIS man is a Wankbadger, it doesn't mean they all are

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/12/2015 22:12

Of course he's not your last chance!

ArkATerre · 30/12/2015 22:13

Is it buggery your last chance.

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 30/12/2015 22:14

So you went bed Christmas night and you wake up clearing up and he just wakes up and storms past? I'm not excusing his behaviour but between going to sleep and waking up what was said/done? Just so weird!!

Original poster
glx · 30/12/2015 22:14

Previous poster was spot on - I got up early, wasn't up for it - so I guess I serve no purpose

Triggers for sulks - all sorts, once when I was super stressed and cried and shouted a lot (court hearing over my son), sometimes me just not being available, all sorts really - the one after I lost it after court straddled my birthday, so he's screwed birthday new year and Christmas in one year...

OP posts:
Blu · 30/12/2015 22:15

Definitely do not contact him, or cajole.

If he then contacts you, probably intending to breeze back as if nothing had happened say 'hang on, you walked out in me without saying goodbye. I want an explanation and only then will I decide whether to meet up again or not',

Does he panic? Is he a commitment-phobe? What's his baggage?

Anyway, rude behaviour at the v least and you can't go on like this.

Only you can know if it is worth getting to grips with.

Original poster
glx · 30/12/2015 22:16

I know it sounds weird, but fell asleep agreeing what a lovely day, thanks for it etc etc, woke up, got up, I was in kitchen with kettle on to make him coffee, my son colouring at the table, he walks past us and barks "speak later" at 9.00am. I knew exactly what was coming

OP posts:
ArkATerre · 30/12/2015 22:17

So he wasn't there for a major event in your life, he strops off on significant dates.....

Not worth it. Seriously.

NorksAreMessy · 30/12/2015 22:18

glx I think you might be better off without him.
PLEASE do not text, beg, make excuses for him, ask around, reply to any innocent sounding messages, keep him as a friend on FB.
He is no longer anything to do with you. You have your 'get out of jail free' card, please use it

Original poster
glx · 30/12/2015 22:19

He is a complete commitment phobe. Messy divorce - screwed over financially by ex. He very very rarely expresses any feelings, but then not all 52 year olds are 'new men' . I would probably be tempted to forgive and forget - I know, I'm a mug. But this involves my son too - can't let him grow up thinking this is ok

OP posts:
SisterConcepta · 30/12/2015 22:21

Sometimes people put up with a tosspot rather than being alone. You're not doing yourself any favours. You deserve better op

Original poster
glx · 30/12/2015 22:22

I know, you're all right
Just needed to hear it.
He's not on fb......he has no friends - my son and I have lots of good pals (thank GOD) - friends over for dinner tomw.

OP posts:
Blu · 30/12/2015 22:25

Ah, missed your later posts, and the meaning of 'other plans'.
Red flags like a parade.
You really, really do not need this controlling, self absorbed, immature man in your life.

I would tell him it is over.

No way is 47 'it' !!!

And no age is a good age to tie yourself up with a controlling, abusive jerk!

Be pro-active. Get rid.

Original poster
glx · 30/12/2015 22:26

Friend just got engaged after a year - and they are perfect together and adore each other. Often look how he treats me and think my friend would never ever treat his new fiancée like that

OP posts:
Blu · 30/12/2015 22:28

And bollocks to 52 being an excuse!

He doesn't even treat you with basic good manners!

Blu · 30/12/2015 22:29

Get rid, and try Guardian Soulmates. In due course.

Whensmyturn · 30/12/2015 22:31

Stick with the good people. Surround yourself with the people who are worth expending your energy on and all will come good.

TeaFathers · 30/12/2015 22:32

oh - just bin him!!
i wouldn't even waste my breath trying to contact him. at all. ghost him back.
BTW, 47 is not your last chance.

Original poster
glx · 30/12/2015 22:36

I feel so much stronger for reading all your posts! I was about to ring tonight and set up a log in on here instead!!
I am certain he will not tell his children, and I'm almost certain his son will ring us soon - he does every few weeks for a chat from uni. That will be interesting conversation.
More I think about it - actually writing it down, I realise how stupid it is / I sound. Met his mum twice in 5 years - last time was couple weeks ago. They had family meal - him, kids, mother, brother, I got text on the day "was I popping over later" - no idea why the late invite / who had said where on earth were me & my son - but he hadn't seen fit to invite us

OP posts: