Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

"Ghosted" after 5 years together - disappeared on Boxing Day.....

72 replies

glx · 30/12/2015 21:43

We've been together nearly 5 years - we're not the perfect couple, but we get along. His kids are 18, my son's 12 - they get on really well together and the kids get on well with both of us. He's a real loner - very successful but no social circle, so especially now his are off at uni it can feel a bit suffocating.

Anyway, I invite him to ours for Christmas Day, bought him and his children nice presents, cooked, made it really nice for him, he said he'd had a lovely time.

I've been wondering if we needed to chat abt where we are etc, but thought could wait. Boxing Day morning, I get up to start clearing up - think he had other plans for the early morning - anyway, he storms down past me and my son at 8.30am, not seen or heard from him since.

He has form, he's done extended sulks before, but at Christmas??? I'm torn between never contacting him again or ringing to say what the hell are you doing....but I know I can never take him back can I ? How can I stay with someone who I know there's a good chance will disappear at some point, if not this time, another time. I always go back, I always cajole, stat it up again, but what's the point.... No-one can possibly care at alllllll if that's how they treat me and my son??

I wish I knew what to think.....

OP posts:

Report

Lynnm63 · 30/12/2015 22:37

47 is not your last chance, do not let him back. You cooked him a nice Christmas dinner, didn't fancy a shag Boxing Day morning and so he legs it. He's not worth the effort.

NewLife4Me · 30/12/2015 22:39

I know somebody like this, haven't heard from him in ages and believe it or not he's a lovely man, very kind and a good friend when he's here
He has been married 3 times and I don't know any woman who would or should put up with this.
My friend is a loner, but if you want a relationship with somebody like this, please forget it.

Lynnm63 · 30/12/2015 22:39

If you like his kids you can still keep in touch with them just don't let the dad back in your life.

SayAGreatBigThankyou · 30/12/2015 22:40

He sounds awful, and you sound lovely.
Onwards and upwards!!

lavenderhoney · 30/12/2015 22:40

He sounds awful tbh and how rude! Spoiling Christmas. I hope your ds wasn't too bothered.

Why didn't he help you clear up and be nice and romantic after you've gone to so much trouble? Ignore him, saves you the bother of a arguement tbh.

It's better to be alone than with a horrid man who treats you like that. And you're not in the last chance saloon! Get some rest, and start having fun again.

glx · 30/12/2015 22:41

I've felt for a while I've been demoted from g/f to easy lay & I'm just less effort than going out on the pull. Guess this behaviour confirms I was spot on. The only men my son can remember in his life are his dad who was abusive before he disappeared. And this man. Bloody marvellous.....

OP posts:

glx · 30/12/2015 22:47

He never ever helps when I'm in the kitchen. When I'm at friends if they're cooking or making coffee, I hover with a glass of wine or a coffee or whatever. My friend said, why wasn't he making a coffe to help and offering to help clear up. He would never do that

OP posts:

glx · 30/12/2015 22:47

Dis bothered I've cried - although tried very hard not to - think he's o about him being gone

OP posts:

Jux · 30/12/2015 22:48

Certainly not your last chance. My nearly 70 yo friend got married just over a year ago. They'd known each other about 4 years. You're 47? Spring chicken!

Mellifera · 30/12/2015 22:49

But your son also sees you not putting up with it. You can actually tell him that this behaviour means you are not willing to be treated like that. 12-year olds understand.
Don't worry about your son, he'll be fine.

Agree with taking a break and breather from relationship thoughts and then start again in the new year. This isn't it for you. I know several people who met new (nice!) partners at your age. Be picky, and then you don't end up with an (ab)user again.

NorksAreMessy · 30/12/2015 22:50

As the best cat poster will tell you
"Do not make someone a priority in your life, when you are just an option in theirs"

Jux · 30/12/2015 22:51

Your last partner was abusive too. Check out the Freedom Programme, you need to sharpen up your radar and strengthen your boundaries.

NoMore314 · 30/12/2015 22:52

wow. I'd stop waiting to figure out if he's ghosted you and take control back. Send him a text saying. My x was abusive and now way would I let another abusive man near me. I have a son too.

send him something like this, "well you're right., this isn't making you happy, you're right to split up. Happy New year. I wish you all the best. Good bye".

Make it seem like it's all his idea, that you totally accept his decision to end it. Quickest way to get rid. Then Block him.

NoMore314 · 30/12/2015 22:53

Sorry, that made no sense because I inserted a sentence in the wrong place!

RaeSkywalker · 30/12/2015 22:58

You're better off out of it OP.

RaeSkywalker · 30/12/2015 22:58

... And 47 is not your last chance!

glx · 30/12/2015 22:59

So much good advice
Yes - I need to sharpen radar and boundaries
Ex was abusive in the shouting and bruises sort of way - salted with me, then started shouted and saying terrible things to my son before he completely disappeared - with no warning - latest b/f different - very quiet, never shouts, but SULKS and I really can't put up with any more sulks.
I look around at all my friends and wonder why I couldn't have had the luck they've had, would have been nice

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 30/12/2015 23:06

I'm wondering if I'm the only one finding this thread a bit shocking
Not just because of how you've been treated but the fact that other posters seem to have read between the lines and deduced your situation correctly with very little information

It makes me wonder why people put up with this, clearly this is familiar to some posters?

Really, OP, you can have a lovely life being single, I feel as if you're saying " oh well, I put up with it because it's a relationship"
It sounds as if he would be better off single too
I'm sorry if it sounds harsh but after dumping him I would think about how you got into this
Being single is not a catastrophe though sadly many people seem to think it is

LMonkey · 30/12/2015 23:10

I was going to say he sounds like an absolute tosser, but someone else has said it sounds like he has mental issues so I won't say too much. It really doesnt matter though, you need to leave well alone. Do you really want your son witnessing all this? And how confusing must it be for him? And he probably worries about you.

Have some dignity and self respect and cut this man out of your life. My god 47 really is still young these days! This will not be your last chance, but quite frankly even if it was, do you really think you should put up with this shit on that basis?

glx · 30/12/2015 23:14

No, I won't be putting up with it again.
Just needed to hear that I shouldn't put up with it
He's not always as bad as now - stretches of time were nice, but this behaviour over Christmas negates any good. Doesn't matter what could happen next, I would never know if this was round the corner again, so it's definitely curtains. And of course I don't want my son t think this is ok. Just to be clear though, b/f might be sulky with me sometimes, but has never - apart from this time - been anything but lovely to my son

OP posts:

LizB62A · 30/12/2015 23:15

I ended things after over 7 years a few months ago as I just couldn't see myself getting old with him (maybe that should be "older" as I'm 54 in a few days time). I haven't had a second's regret especially as the last thing he said before he left showed that he was jealous of my son.

Can you see yourself getting old with this man?
If not, there is no more thinking or fretting to be done.
I honestly believe that being with the wrong person can be more lonely than being alone.
47 isn't old - even if you can't see yourself dating again just yet, there's no rush - dating isn't compulsory at any age :-)

glx · 30/12/2015 23:21

LizB62A - you're right. No, I think there's an element of not wanting the children to leave home - daft though that sounds. I got on very well with his children and they are great with my son. But they're at Uni now, so dynamic already changed. Then when my son goes, will be just the two of us. I like a giggle, like to chat, he's quiet, I think I probably get on his nerves

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

glx · 30/12/2015 23:24

I'm wondering whether to stick with the silence, or message him - email or whatever, to say "for the avoidance of doubt, this is over"

OP posts:

NorksAreMessy · 30/12/2015 23:25

Silence speaks volumes

FinallyHere · 30/12/2015 23:29

Absolutely. Don't give him the satisfaction of any contact from you. Ever again. Just don't.

And breathe.

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.