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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

"Ghosted" after 5 years together - disappeared on Boxing Day.....

72 replies

glx · 30/12/2015 21:43

We've been together nearly 5 years - we're not the perfect couple, but we get along. His kids are 18, my son's 12 - they get on really well together and the kids get on well with both of us. He's a real loner - very successful but no social circle, so especially now his are off at uni it can feel a bit suffocating.

Anyway, I invite him to ours for Christmas Day, bought him and his children nice presents, cooked, made it really nice for him, he said he'd had a lovely time.

I've been wondering if we needed to chat abt where we are etc, but thought could wait. Boxing Day morning, I get up to start clearing up - think he had other plans for the early morning - anyway, he storms down past me and my son at 8.30am, not seen or heard from him since.

He has form, he's done extended sulks before, but at Christmas??? I'm torn between never contacting him again or ringing to say what the hell are you doing....but I know I can never take him back can I ? How can I stay with someone who I know there's a good chance will disappear at some point, if not this time, another time. I always go back, I always cajole, stat it up again, but what's the point.... No-one can possibly care at alllllll if that's how they treat me and my son??

I wish I knew what to think.....

OP posts:

Report

pocketsaviour · 31/12/2015 13:34

What a dick.

When he has sulked before, OP, what has been the pattern? Has he waited for you to contact him, or has he just breezed back into your house after a few days?

A Woman In Your Own Right by Anne Dickson might be a really good read for you. I'm also hearing in your posts that you've put yourself out for this man and expected nothing in return. I think you should set your own expectations on what you expect from a partner - what we ALL should - courtesy, respect, understanding, and a bloody hand around the house from time to time!

You sound lovely (and so does your son!) and I have no doubt you can find a MUCH better man than this waste of space, should you choose to do do :)

Goingtobeawesome · 31/12/2015 13:28

Do what suits you. Ignore or final message then block. If you can't work out how too - sure someone on here could help - just delete if you get anything from him.

I was engaged to someone while working abroad and he was away in the army. I came back, I think we saw each other a bit but then just stopped calling each other. I'm still shocked I did that but it was for the best.

TeaFathers · 31/12/2015 13:20

maintain radio silence.
don't ever contact him again.
this is what he gets off on - being pandered to and humoured.
pricks like him hate being ignored more than anything else.
so just go for the short and curlies by staying silent.
that will drive him insane.

you need to think about setting a better example for your child. choose better next time.

Mellifera · 31/12/2015 12:45

OP, I understand you, watching the phone etc. This is part of his game. He really waits for you to contact him to "make it ok again".

I personally wouldn't be able to resist sending him a "fuck off" text, making clear it is over, you don't want him to contact you anymore. Then block/delete him number.

Whatever you do, have a response ready, I am sure he will contact you when your silence becomes too uncomfortable for him to endure. Make sure you know what to answer then. You will be fine. Happy New Year to you!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 31/12/2015 01:58

Just think on this: he's waiting for you to contact him. Waiting for you to make it all OK again so he can breeze back like nothing has happened. Just like before. You not contacting him is likely causing him all kinds of discomfort. He'll probably weaken and contact you eventually. Then you can text him back with a "No, thanks. It's over this time. Do not contact me again Mr Pathetic and Sulky Arsehole. Toodleoo!"

Honestly, being in your forties is no age at all. And being single is better than being punished by a sulker, it really is (voice of experience).

BitOutOfPractice · 31/12/2015 01:09

You know there are loads of men out there who want the same as you. A loving, respectful, quiet, gorgeous relationship based on mutual respect. It's not "all over " at 47. You do not have to settle for this second rate arsehole

VertigoNun · 31/12/2015 00:53

I agree, he did you a favour. I would not have any more to do with him, he is beyond rude.

HairForNow · 31/12/2015 00:26

He's done you a favour in helping you decide you are better without him. Of course he is waiting for you to beg him to come back "make it nice for him" again. Stay strong. 47 is nothing, honestly

amarmai · 31/12/2015 00:23

he's a chancer-playing you like a violin. The chance you have just got is to get free of him and his childish, upsetting, controlling behaviour. Take it with 2 hands and start the New Year as a free woman.

Tapirbackrider · 30/12/2015 23:50

Oh OP - he is so not worth your time or effort, and you deserve far far more than this man child and his silly sulky mind games.

Don't waste another breath on him - he's just a nasty stain on the pillow of life and best washed away.

Suddenlyseymour · 30/12/2015 23:46

I think one line that standsout in your OP to me is "i made it all nice for him". This speaks volumes - i could be jumping to the wrong conclusions, but it sounds like your dynamic has been to put him tip top of the tree and you keeping him there making sure he is number 1 to the detriment of yourself. The minute you don't tow the line he's storming off, sulking and trying to manipulate you "back in your place"......decent men do not do this. Ever. You and your son are better off out of it. Switch your phone off or block him - you may baulk at the thought (that in itself tells you who has the power at the moment if you can't bare the idea that you might miss the instant a text might come in - ask yourself why...) but it does give youva feeling of power and control over the situation.

glx · 30/12/2015 23:41

I do put my son first, which is why I don't want to be out on dates, we did stuff together as he'd been around a while. This particular sulk and the timing is too much, but previously they've blown over and on balance it had seemed better with than without, but that doesn't seem to be the case any more

OP posts:

FelicityFixIt · 30/12/2015 23:38

Please put your son first and finish with this man

glx · 30/12/2015 23:38

My lovely son's a really nice boy and shows all the signs of growing up to be a really nice man - despite, or maybe because of- everything. And no I definitely do NOT want how my b/f behaves to be an example to him.

OP posts:

starry0ne · 30/12/2015 23:38

I have just read the thread....

I personally wouldn't...He is waiting for you to make it better... However I can imagine in your shoes I would feel tempted.

Behooven · 30/12/2015 23:36

You're trying to wish him into the relationship (and man) you want. He will never be, don't waste anymore of yourself on him, he's not worth it.

Ditsy4 · 30/12/2015 23:35

Don't contact him. If he contacts you say "Speak later" and don't contact for a week then send him a note to say you've had enough. I have one that sulks and blows then doesn't speak. It drives me mad. I play him at his own game when he suddenly starts talking as if nothing has happened because HE is over it. I'm getting quiet good. If he wasn't living here I wouldn't put up with it. Remember it is not a good example to your son about relationships either. Get out now while you can. My aunt fell in love when she was 60 so don't think this is your last chance you never know! My aunt married two years later and had a lovely relationship for about 17 years.

glx · 30/12/2015 23:34

Not sure I know how to block! But I do watch my phone - a lot. I drive myself nuts. So if I do contact, then maybe email best. Then I guess I'll be watching for an email and any reply will really upset me. Maybe just walk away. New year, new start.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 23:32

Oh, I'd contact him again. For my own satisfaction. Fuck him and his mind games. Message and then BLOCK and delete. No reason to check if he's contacted you because he will be blocked and deleted.

glx · 30/12/2015 23:31

Feeling much more positive!!!
There is a small part of me that thinks I hope he hasn't had a heart attack or something & I'm just presuming - on past form - that it's a sulk. But 99.9999, it's not a hear attack!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 23:31

I'd email him. 'The time apart has made me realise I don't have to put up with anyone who treats me or my son like this. We deserve better. So this is OVER. I do not want you to contact me ever again. Goodbye.' Then block/delete this person from your life.

He's not 'quiet'. He's an arsehole.

DTMFA.

StickyProblem · 30/12/2015 23:29

Stick with the silence - if you message him you'll be watching and waiting for a response. Turn phone off!

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FinallyHere · 30/12/2015 23:29

Absolutely. Don't give him the satisfaction of any contact from you. Ever again. Just don't.

And breathe.

NorksAreMessy · 30/12/2015 23:25

Silence speaks volumes

glx · 30/12/2015 23:24

I'm wondering whether to stick with the silence, or message him - email or whatever, to say "for the avoidance of doubt, this is over"

OP posts:

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