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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hate to admit it but I'm the ow.

72 replies

0986445d · 29/12/2015 23:30

There's no way I can really justify it and it's all going to sound very Jeremy Kyle.

I've been sleeping with my ex I know I shouldn't but I still have feelings for I don't know what I should do? we've never stopped having sex all the while they have been together (two years)
It's not regularly just now and again, I've wanted to tell her for s long time but I have no proof and I know she would never believe me without any.

OP posts:
tribpot · 29/12/2015 23:31

Why do you want to tell her? Why don't you stop doing it?

goddessofsmallthings · 29/12/2015 23:33

I suggest you invest in a hard hat and a fireproof suit before the Grand Ceremony of the Flaming begins...

Thornrose · 29/12/2015 23:34

Hmm, are you sure you don't just want to make sure no one else has your ex? You wouldn't be the first!

Original poster
0986445d · 29/12/2015 23:35

Should I tell her?

OP posts:
Thornrose · 29/12/2015 23:37

What do you expect to achieve by telling her?

Original poster
0986445d · 29/12/2015 23:37

I know he doesn't want a relationship with me and tbh I don't want one with him, it just wouldn't work for us even though I still care for him deeply.

OP posts:
Original poster
0986445d · 29/12/2015 23:37

I honestly don't know Thorn

OP posts:
Sum314 · 29/12/2015 23:38

Was she the ow first?

MuttonCadet · 29/12/2015 23:39

Erm, just stop sleeping with him and try to find some self respect.
You may need counselling

christinarossetti · 29/12/2015 23:39

Why would you need 'proof'?

Do you know his current partner?

If you want to do something, stopping sleeping with him would be a good move.

Chippednailvarnish · 29/12/2015 23:39

So you just want to hurt her then? Nice.

Russellgroupserf · 29/12/2015 23:39

You probably want to hurt her because you are also hurt.

Juvenile and mean behaviour.

Sum314 · 29/12/2015 23:40

He'd hate you if you told her.
Do you have kids?
If you do, id choose silence and an easy life.

tribpot · 29/12/2015 23:41

Why do you want to tell her? Why don't you stop doing it?

Original poster
0986445d · 29/12/2015 23:42

Yes sum she was.

I agree I am hurt and no I don't want to hurt her, my head is a mess and I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Thornrose · 29/12/2015 23:42

I just worry that you want to prove to your ex's new partner that he keeps running back to you. You can't have him, so you don't want anyone else to have him.

This is not meant to be critical. I watched my dsis do it every time her ex (who she never got over) had a new partner.

defineme · 29/12/2015 23:42

You know being someone's bit on the side is like saying you're not worth more, don't you want to be important enough?
It's been 2 years, nothing will change.
If he sleeps with you he could be sleeping with others too.
I hope you use barrier contraception...she couldbe sleeping with ither men too.
It's just a bit sad that you don't think you're worth more of someone's attention, just getting left overs.
Not to mention the fact that affairs don't just bugger up the 3 lives, it's the kids too.

goddessofsmallthings · 29/12/2015 23:42

If in doubt, leave it out.

You don't want him and he doesn't want you, so wtf are you both going out of your way to hurt the woman he's with now?

Or is that you want to burst her bubble because what she doesn't know won't hurt her?

Did he do the dirty on you with her or another woman?

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 29/12/2015 23:44

So you don't want him, so what, you just don't want her to have him either?

What while you achieve by telling her, blackening your own name too?

She deserves to know he's cheating scum and she deserves better.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 29/12/2015 23:46

Oh if she was the ow, then yeah karma has really bit her on the bum. But, you have been very silly to continue sleeping with him after he did the dirty on you and chose her. Surely, you deserve better too? Where's your self respect/pride?

Original poster
0986445d · 29/12/2015 23:47

I guess I'm not over him or him leaving, I don't blame her or not want him to be with her, as I said its once or twice every now and then not a full on affair, I should get some self respect and I know I'm wrong.

OP posts:
Sum314 · 29/12/2015 23:47

Leave them to it. Rise above it. Dont sink to their level

Thornrose · 29/12/2015 23:51

As I said, I watched my dsis do this for years and it drove me mad. He should walk away, he's the one in a new relationship. You're being strung along.

Don't tell her, he'll make up excuses that you're bitter and not over him.

You're not over him but he's over you, it's really, really hard. Getting some self respect is easier said than done. Flowers

tribpot · 29/12/2015 23:52

Are you hoping that if you tell her, you will no longer have to make a choice about whether your 'relationship' with him continues? Rather than trying to end theirs you're actually trying to blow your own up so it's done without you having to have some self-control?

If so, this might be the time to stop using the underhand techniques of the coward and own your actions.

Fairenuff · 29/12/2015 23:53

Did he leave you for her? And now you want to tell her so that you can break up their relationship?