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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hate to admit it but I'm the ow.

72 replies

0986445d · 29/12/2015 23:30

There's no way I can really justify it and it's all going to sound very Jeremy Kyle.

I've been sleeping with my ex I know I shouldn't but I still have feelings for I don't know what I should do? we've never stopped having sex all the while they have been together (two years)
It's not regularly just now and again, I've wanted to tell her for s long time but I have no proof and I know she would never believe me without any.

OP posts:
Morganly · 29/12/2015 23:55

You won't get over him until you cut contact completely.

How do you think he sees you? A convenient shag who he doesn't even pretend to like, love, take out on dates, pretend to be committed to. Like a blow up doll. Or a prostitute who he doesn't even have to pay.

Whether you tell his real girlfriend or not is not the big issue here.

How can you allow yourself to be treated with such disrespect?

Go non contact with the bastard and give yourself a chance of finding a man who will love you.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 29/12/2015 23:56

Wait a minute. You're sleeping with an ex who is currently married/involved with the OW who broke up your relationship? Do you think the attraction he holds for you is based on your desire for revenge against her?

Whisperingeye1 · 29/12/2015 23:59

Thats a really crappy situation. You need to forget about telling her as it makes you look desperate. He will also twist it to make you look like you are lying and trying to get him back. I would imagine he is fairly good at manipulating situations! You need to concentrate on yourself and getting away from this toxic situation. Also need to work on your sense of self worth. He left you and now has the new relationship and you. Best of both worlds for him.

Original poster
0986445d · 30/12/2015 00:03

christmas I think the attraction I think he holds is that he was the love of my life, when we were together I couldn't see past him only our future together, but he fucked up lied cheated and left, I was devastated and had to pick myself up off the ground.

I think the reason I still sleep with him is not to get revenge per say but to know that I can still get him, does that make sense?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/12/2015 00:07

None of you are looking good in this scenario OP, do you really want to be part of it?

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 30/12/2015 00:09

Do you have children together?

Original poster
0986445d · 30/12/2015 00:11

I agree fair like is said I'm not going to justify my actions because I can't.
Yes we have one ds(4)

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/12/2015 00:13

So if you don't like what you're doing, stop it. It really is that simpe. You are in charge of your own body. Be responsible and choose to live your life a different way.

lostInTheWash · 30/12/2015 00:14

Perhaps work out when this happens and work really hard at not getting into such situations - meet neutral places, or have other round at hand overs, don't drink when around ex - I assume DC otherwise why see at all?

She won the cheating partner - he picked her and he still a cheat so you lucked out really even if it doesn't feel like it.

Then work on your self esteem and figure out a plan for moving on - which is easier said than done but this is behaviour is just going to hurt you.

I'd try really hard not to give head space to their relationship at all - so telling her not even on the radar because it's not your problem.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/12/2015 00:14

OMG, doesn't he have the life of Riley! Not only his former OW, now partner, but also his former partner, now OW to sleep with! He must be like a dog with 2 dicks.

Believe me, he's loving this. And you - you're facilitating his ego. You reckon it's about knowing you can still "get him"? Well maybe that's what you've told yourself, but dear God woman, get some self-respect! He's using you as a booty call (hate that term but it's truly apt) and you seem to see that as some kind of feather in your cap. Hmm

You're not over him, obviously - he has you dangling on a string, and when he tugs, you jump.

Get clear of him, get some self-respect, don't ever sleep with him again and don't bother telling this current partner because really, what good will that do. She already knows he's a lying cheat, because he cheated on you with her.

Just STOP!

goddessofsmallthings · 30/12/2015 00:16

Do you think that by sleeping with him you are in some way proving that you were also the love of his life and the feelings you had for him weren't entirely wasted?

If so, you are deluding yourself because what he's doing is either fucking you because you're so readily available or fucking you out of pity and neither option is likely to enhance your self-esteem.

Do you have dc with him?

Morganly · 30/12/2015 00:17

He despises you, you do know that, don't you?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/12/2015 00:17

Oh another drama llama.

Go for maximum effect op, shout it out in the street make sure everybody hears.

The fall out will fill your need for drama for a fairly long time

Myothercarisalsoshit · 30/12/2015 00:18

He sounds like a proper knob to be honest. Having his cake and eating it. He really doesn't care about you or his current partner just about getting his end away. Why on earth would you WANT him?

Atomik · 30/12/2015 00:20

he fucked up lied cheated

Well at least he's consistent.

I suppose there might be some (rather stingy) balm in you helping him do to her what he did to you. In the sense that you get to frame his awful treatment of you as something he always does, rather than it just being a thing he did to you. Stops you feeling singled out for poor treatment ? Because you can see up close and personal that it isn't a case of "he treated me like crap, but treated somebody "better" with far more care becuase they actually matter to him."

Except this way, with your collaborative, ringside seat to see somebody else getting the bad medicine, a part of you is forced into reliving your own pain of his betrayal again and again. Like some horrible merry-go-round.

I think it might hurt you less to poke yourself repeatedly in the eye than waste weeks, months of your life spinning around and around in one particularly painful spot of your personal history.

Moving on always begins with one very reluctant first step. However bad it feels at the time to just let go and allow the past slide into the past where it belongs, that first step forwards is always worth it.

You both deserve better than him. And you deserve to live inside a better version of you.

OohMavis · 30/12/2015 00:29

He's having a jolly time of it isn't he? Shags her behind your back, leaves and still gets to shag you behind hers. No consequences.

Does your son see you two being affectionate with one another?

Original poster
0986445d · 30/12/2015 00:33

No mavis usually a hug or kiss goodbye nothing that would particularly confuse him as that is what I would do with most people.

I'm far from a drama llama and I agree that he probably is loving it. Why would he despise me morganly?

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/12/2015 00:37

I suspect that morganly meant that he has no respect for you. Which is true.

AlwaysBeYourself · 30/12/2015 00:39

Well it sounds like you just still love him.

TheFirstNoelHeadbands · 30/12/2015 00:41

Have you posted about this before? You have older (ie not little) children together who don't know you're still sleeping together?

Apologies if not you, it's just very similar prose etc

Original poster
0986445d · 30/12/2015 00:42

I will I think always have love for him because he was such a huge part of my life, but I most definitely am not in love with him and could never see myself with him even if it were to come up.

OP posts:
Original poster
0986445d · 30/12/2015 00:43

No noel this is my first post.

OP posts:
AlwaysBeYourself · 30/12/2015 00:47

Ok so if you are not in love with him what makes you physically want to have sex with him.

Morganly · 30/12/2015 00:48

Because he can fuck you but you don't expect him to love you, like you, woo you, take you on dates or have any sort of relationship with you. "Any hole's a goal" and he sees you as a very easy hole.

SweetAdeline · 30/12/2015 00:51

Wouldn't it be great if one of your ds's parents could put his happiness first and stop behaving like dickheads. Walk away, get some dignity and prioritise your son's stability ffs.