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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hate to admit it but I'm the ow.

72 replies

0986445d · 29/12/2015 23:30

There's no way I can really justify it and it's all going to sound very Jeremy Kyle.

I've been sleeping with my ex I know I shouldn't but I still have feelings for I don't know what I should do? we've never stopped having sex all the while they have been together (two years)
It's not regularly just now and again, I've wanted to tell her for s long time but I have no proof and I know she would never believe me without any.

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 30/12/2015 00:55

Let me guess, it's Christmas and he's with his primary partner and family and as you've not been able to see him, posting about him is the next best thing.

So I'd say cut it out.

This is going no-where, other than towards more heartache. You need to be properly single, so you can be open to a good new relationship (if that is what you want) or at least free of dead-weight baggage.

And only you can choose your actions.

Original poster

0986445d · 30/12/2015 01:10

Maybe you're right morganly but I do think I'm doing the same, better the devil you know and all that.

I need to let go and move on but I wasn't ready as I wasn't truly over him and didn't want to hurt another person whilst I was healing. I'm ready now so I think that's why I felt that I need to do something about it.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/12/2015 01:13

You think you're doing the same...
So if you felt like having sex, you could call him up and he'd come straight over would he?

Original poster

0986445d · 30/12/2015 01:16

auntie not at all he was with us Christmas and has been every year since we broke up.
We have an okish relationship but are not compatible as partners, there is a lot of sexual chemitry between us and always has been.

My ds is more than happy thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

0986445d · 30/12/2015 01:18

Sometimes yes thumb sometimes not.
As I am the same he may ask me today and I will say no and he will leave it at that

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/12/2015 01:19

Well ok, but seriously, you're obviously not happy or comfortable with this set up or why would you post about it?

Only you can change it, only you can make that decision that this has to stop now - so decide.

Original poster

0986445d · 30/12/2015 01:24

I'm not happy about it, I want more now.
I want a partner not just a shag.

OP posts:

AlwaysBeYourself · 30/12/2015 01:29

You said you were/are not completely over him but have said that you are/were not in love with him?

Is his partner happy of the time he spends with you especially at Christmas?

AlwaysBeYourself · 30/12/2015 01:34

It sounds like he is not happy with his new partner either otherwise he wouldn't be having sex with you, would he?

Original poster

0986445d · 30/12/2015 01:39

I love him as in I care about him but I don't love him to want to be in a relationship with him anymore.

I started dating after we spilt up met a few nice guys and realised that I wasn't over our relationship, so I left the dating alone as I didn't want to hurt any decent guys because of my ex.

I don't know how she feels I've spoken to her once and seen her twice maybe three times since they have been together, she doesn't see ds and none of his family speak to her.

OP posts:

Original poster

0986445d · 30/12/2015 01:42

Maybe he isn't I don't ask.

OP posts:

wickedlazy · 30/12/2015 01:47

Haven't rtft but I reckon tell her then don't see him again. I would rather know. Do his mates know? What if she finds out some other way. She'll be livid with you, but what you've done has been pretty shitty.

AlwaysBeYourself · 30/12/2015 01:48

Its a difficult place your in then isn't it. You still obviously fancy him very much but know that there is no future in it because even if he decided he had made a mistake and wanted you to take him back, you would say no.

AlwaysBeYourself · 30/12/2015 01:50

wicked I don't think that his partner is really in a place to be livid with OP as his partner was the original OW.

ADishBestEatenCold · 30/12/2015 01:51

Does he have children with her?

Are they living together/married?

MistressDeeCee · 30/12/2015 01:54

So, she was the OW when he was with you. & now you are the OW whilst he is with her. He's a pig. I'd say walk away now, just cut contact. There's no point in telling her I have a mind she will have her own cross to bear soon, because she is getting exactly what she gave out, and once you've gone no doubt Mr Pig will start messing around elsewhere. She's all that to come and more.

I don't believe you would really say no to having him back. He is your ex and you are still sleeping with him. So he's not a random. He is no good so try your utmost to keep away from him. Telling the other woman isn't going to make you feel any better anyway nor will it bring you a happy ever after. Leave them in their own mess

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 30/12/2015 02:49

Well, I think that regardless of the whys and wherefores, you're riding for a big fall and heartache. You know nothing good will come of this and it's actually keeping you from pursuing a real relationship with someone you may be able to build a future with.

You know, I don't believe that the real 'love of someone's life' ends up hurting you. They can only be the love of your life if you are the love of theirs. The true love of your life is the one you spend your life with. Not the one that 'got away' or broke you heart. You may have loved this guy madly, but you haven't met the real love of your life yet. And you won't as long as you let this guy take up your time.

Shutthatdoor · 30/12/2015 03:19

I think the reason I still sleep with him is not to get revenge per say but to know that I can still get him, does that make sense?

Well that makes your behaviour as bad as his. Maybe you 'deserve' each other

Very childish behaviour imo.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2015 03:24

He lies and he cheats and he's a complete arsehole and his reward is lots of sex. There really is no justice, is there?

Just stop. He doesn't deserve one person fucking him, let alone two (or more, if I know his type).

Isetan · 30/12/2015 06:02

You're not the OW but an OW and if you turn him down, his replacement vagina will probably already be cued up.

You're not half as clueless as you try to make out; not dating to protect men from your fuck buddy thing with your ex, seriously. Telling his gf because you think she needs to know, bullshit!

You know exactly what to do and why but you've chosen not to. You still want to be important to this man and the only way you can keep his interest is by dropping your knickers. The time he spends in your bed isn't him or you momentarily reconnecting with your shared history but an assault on your self worth.

Being on someone's convenient shag roster isn't empowering and the emptiness you feel is confirmation of that. Wanting to tell his gf is a sign of your desperation, a misguided atempt to break the current stalemate. This is a very risky option that has no upside because it could send the man with multiple dicks permanency your way, or it could trigger a shitstorm of nastiness that would blowback onto your children.

Your sense of self worth is still tied up with this man and by hanging on to this last vestige of your relationship, you're still desperately trying to prove to him that you are worthy. However, he's not the one who needs convincing of your worth, you are.

Find a counsellor to help you work through your issues and let today be the the day you let go of the past and start investing in your future.

Fairenuff · 30/12/2015 12:02

OP you've said that you don't want to sleep with him any more so what's the problem?

I'm not getting what this thread is about

OnADarkDesertHighway · 30/12/2015 13:39

So you are not in love with him and do not want a relationship with him. So why are you shagging him. You want a relationship but not with him so end it and move on.

Do you want his DP to know he cheats on her cos she was the OW is that it.

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