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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do i help my sister. I know for sure her dh is abusive.

37 replies

PeppasNanna · 28/10/2015 20:07

Yesterday my dear, lovely kind sister told me her dh had took the car keys from her for 2 weeks to teach her to be a better time keeper. She was out buying himshirts & got stuck in traffic.

So she walked the 2 dc nearly 2 miles up to 3 times a day for 2 weeks. Her dc are 6 & 4.

They've been together 23years. 2 dc. Ive suspected for a long time about bil now shes opened up hopefully i can make her see sense...

Ultimately what can i do to help & support her?

TIA.

OP posts:
Seeyounearertime · 28/10/2015 20:11

Be there for her and gently suggest his behaviour is odd nd unfair?
If you stem in and rant and rave her head will bury in the sand. At the same time you can't call her DH names etc because she'll just back away from you.

The best thing you can do is gently put it that his behaviour isn't that of someone who loves someone and then be there for her.

Supermanspants · 28/10/2015 20:12

Give her a route out of that marriage? Give her options?
Does she work? She may not feel she can leave. You need to get her to open up more. Direct her to MN if she feels she can't open up to you.

K1mberly · 28/10/2015 20:15

Tell her that it's not ok for her to treat her and the kids like that . And that she doesn't have to live like this .

And that if she ever wants to talk about or look at her options , you will always be there for her . And so will the rest of her family ( assuming that's true )

zzzzz · 28/10/2015 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 28/10/2015 20:17

No i didnt call him names or anything like that. ( I wanted to pop round & smack him with his car keys!). I pointed out it was controlling. Controlling behaviour is often linked to anxieties etc.

I pointed out her children will be learning lessons from how this is dealt with.

So difficult as shes totally isolated. He wanted her to give up work but i dripped dripped dripped about her returning to her career not a job. She did last year. Only 2 days a week.

She has no close friends.

They only speak to me & my dad out of all the family.

He has no clue that i know anything.

Im really worried about her though.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppasNanna · 28/10/2015 20:20

They are very wealthy. I am not, so im limited to practical ways of helping. I dont have room for her & the dc to stay here. Large family of my own.

I do not know what it would take for her to leave as id have left due to tbe car incident.

OP posts:
K1mberly · 28/10/2015 20:20

I know it's really hard , because you probably want to drive over to her house, slap him around the head give him a piece of your mind and bundle her and the kids into the car . But you know, I'm sure, that she has to be ready to leave .

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 28/10/2015 20:24

I swear i didnt recognise the feelings o felt yesterday.

Shes my younger sister. I absolutely adore her. Ive never slapped anyone but i want to belt the living daylights out of him...absolutely enraged!

OP posts:
K1mberly · 28/10/2015 20:25

Does she have her own bank account ? If not, encourage her to open one and get her wages paid into it .

If that's too scary , she can get money on cash back every time she goes shopping or to buy petrol etc. it will soon mount up. Then use the money to see a lawyer .

Seeyounearertime · 28/10/2015 20:25

I think you also have to remember, and I'm attempting voice of reason here, you are only hearing this from one side. There may be more going on. I'm not ayaimg there is but the old "two sides to every story" is very true.

SteamPunkGoth · 28/10/2015 20:29

Regardless of 2 sides to every story. Taking the bloody car keys is very mean. Those poor children as well.
Get her details for woman's aid. Make sure you or her don't give hints that you're planning anything.
Does she have equal access to money?
What else has she told you?
The poor woman. You are a lovely sister.

Supermanspants · 28/10/2015 20:30

I'm not ayaimg there is but the old "two sides to every story" is very true

Really helpful Hmm

K1mberly · 28/10/2015 20:31

I'm sure there is , see you . But I'm not sure how that applies to the OP, who is asking for advice about how she can help her sister .

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 28/10/2015 20:31

He buys all the shopping. All the shopping is paid on cards that are like gift cards (he does it through his job).

She has her own bank account but he controls all the money & manages all the money coming into the house. He has lots of money through his family & property.

He would say shes always late. He cant be late for work as he would be on a disciplinery, so he'd argue he needs to make her understand the impact of not being on time. I've heard him talk about her likevthst before.

OP posts:
Supermanspants · 28/10/2015 20:34

OP, Steam is suggesting you speak to her DH to get his side. Clearly you cannot possibly help your sister until you have both sides of the 'story'

Did you read the OP first post?
FFS

Have you ever been in an abusive r'ship Steam? I'm going to say no.

Seeyounearertime · 28/10/2015 20:34

She can't help her sister, her sister needs to help herself.
What I'm saying is that OPs sister might use OP as a sounding board a shoulder to cry on etc.
That builds a picture of OPs sisters OH in OPs mind that is coloured by OPs sister.
Until OPs sister wants to leave, which she hasn't said, then there's not much OP can do.

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 28/10/2015 20:34

Shes 40. Her only partner ever...

I dont know if ive described the shopping tbing propley but for example he had a card for ASDA with a couple hundred pounds saved on it. Another time it was Tesco. I dont really get it Blush

OP posts:
Namechanger2015 · 28/10/2015 20:35

Would she consider doing The Freedom Programme? Perhaps online?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

It might help her to see her H is abusive?

Supermanspants · 28/10/2015 20:36

Sorry.... meant Seeyou

K1mberly · 28/10/2015 20:37

Well it's not either/ or is it . Yes the sister has to want to leave , yes the Op can support her .

Are you trying to play devils advocate here, see you? Because it's not helpful.

SteamPunkGoth · 28/10/2015 20:39

It's ok Supermanspants.

I was agog for a minute though ;-)

SeeYou, it will have taken her sister guts to even bring this up. There will be more to this. From the sister. Not the abusive husband.

MajesticWhine · 28/10/2015 20:39

She has been in this relationship for so long she probably has no idea that this is emotional and financial abuse. So the main thing you need to do is to educate her that it's not normal.

thornrose · 28/10/2015 20:39

I wanted my sister to get me out of the situation and tell me everything would be OK.

Unfortunately I also wanted her to not get involved and stay the hell out of my life. It's so complicated.

What I'm trying to say is she has to be ready to leave and in the meantime all you can really do is let her know you're there for her.

Original poster
PeppasNanna · 28/10/2015 20:41

Ive always thought my bil was a wanka but never told my sister as then hed have her all to himself...just what he wants.

When her dd was just a few weeks old he caused a massive row that split our family beyond repair. Then did it agsin when tbe second child was born. So she had no one except me. Im very limited to what i can do due to own family stuff. He thinks im a bit dippy & no threat to him.

My mum hasnt been to their house in about 7 years! My family can be very controlling so bless her shes gone from the frying pan to the fire!

OP posts:
SteamPunkGoth · 28/10/2015 20:43

Well he is most definitely abusive.He is trying to isolate her.