How do i help my sister. I know for sure her dh is abusive.

[PeppasNanna]

Yesterday my dear, lovely kind sister told me her dh had took the car keys from her for 2 weeks to teach her to be a better time keeper. She was out buying himshirts & got stuck in traffic.

So she walked the 2 dc nearly 2 miles up to 3 times a day for 2 weeks. Her dc are 6 & 4.

They've been together 23years. 2 dc. Ive suspected for a long time about bil now shes opened up hopefully i can make her see sense...

Ultimately what can i do to help & support her?

TIA.

She barely uses the Internet but maybe when shes at work she could look at stuff. What should i suggest?

She barely uses the Internet but maybe when shes at work she could look at stuff. What should i suggest?

Could she call woman's aid from work?

That builds a picture of OPs sisters OH in OPs mind that is coloured by OPs sister

The OP has already said she has had her suspicions for a long time.

I dont know. I will look Womens Aid up & suggest she might approach them for advice.

zzzzz i sadly suspect your right.

I would have her but it would be difficult. We literally live in parallel universes!

Let her see how shocked you are by his behaviour whilst also assuring her you won't say or do anything (unless on her say-so).

In an abusive relationship, one loses perspective - normalises or minimizes just how 'bad' something is.

So let her know how very un-okay car key confiscation seems to you.

Go gently but do ask her if she wants to leave the marriage.

Be prepared to be very patient. Tell her again and again and again that you love her, are worried but that she can trust your discretion and you will respect her wishes.

She has to be in a place where she can stop minimising this and face up to the reality, which is that her H is abusive to her and the DC, they were impacted by his taking the car keys too. The only way she'll reach this point is by having self worth, this is what you can give her. Be there for her, listen, be supportive and kind, not overbearing, be patient but repeat the message that he's not right. Repeat the message that her DC are learning how to treat people and how to be treated by his behaviour. Encourage her to do the freedom programme and help her see that she is worthy of more.

BUT, take it from someone who has been there, don't take responsibility for this, you're not to blame for this and you can't change this, ultimately only she can and she might never make that move.

I feel for you, I've been in your shoes and it's truly shit

Get her to read this about financial abuse
www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220049
And to look on the forums
www.womensaid.org.uk/topics.asp?section=00010001000800210002&sectionTitle=Survivors+Forum+Messageboard

Would it be possible for her to get her own car? Then she would have some comeback if he tried to take the keys to that.

No. She cant afford a car on her wages. He works shifts & uses public transport or work pay for cabs so no real need.

Hes very clever. Everything is for the good of the family. 14 years ago they came back to tbe UK in thousands of pounds of debt. Now they live in a very nice house, in a very nice area. Drive a big car with private plates. Go on a couple holidays a year. Live a very nice respectable middle class life. Hes great fun & a successful. She gorgeous & intelligent.

No one would suspect a thing. I actually used to think i was being spiteful about him by thinking stuff. But there was always this little voice nagging at me.

She NEVER goes out.
He never gets up with the dc, ever.
He has never looked after them.
She never had a lay in.
He stays up drinking but then sleeps all day.
She has no credit cards in her name.
Her phone is all in his name.
He never does housework & will go on at her about mess/washing/ironing.
That sort of thing