How do i help my sister. I know for sure her dh is abusive.

[PeppasNanna]

Yesterday my dear, lovely kind sister told me her dh had took the car keys from her for 2 weeks to teach her to be a better time keeper. She was out buying himshirts & got stuck in traffic.

So she walked the 2 dc nearly 2 miles up to 3 times a day for 2 weeks. Her dc are 6 & 4.

They've been together 23years. 2 dc. Ive suspected for a long time about bil now shes opened up hopefully i can make her see sense...

Ultimately what can i do to help & support her?

TIA.

[PeppasNanna]

No. She cant afford a car on her wages. He works shifts & uses public transport or work pay for cabs so no real need.

Hes very clever. Everything is for the good of the family. 14 years ago they came back to tbe UK in thousands of pounds of debt. Now they live in a very nice house, in a very nice area. Drive a big car with private plates. Go on a couple holidays a year. Live a very nice respectable middle class life. Hes great fun & a successful. She gorgeous & intelligent.

No one would suspect a thing. I actually used to think i was being spiteful about him by thinking stuff. But there was always this little voice nagging at me.

She NEVER goes out.
He never gets up with the dc, ever.
He has never looked after them.
She never had a lay in.
He stays up drinking but then sleeps all day.
She has no credit cards in her name.
Her phone is all in his name.
He never does housework & will go on at her about mess/washing/ironing.
That sort of thing

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

Would it be possible for her to get her own car? Then she would have some comeback if he tried to take the keys to that.

[MajesticWhine]

Get her to read this about financial abuse
www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220049
And to look on the forums
www.womensaid.org.uk/topics.asp?section=00010001000800210002&sectionTitle=Survivors+Forum+Messageboard

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

She has to be in a place where she can stop minimising this and face up to the reality, which is that her H is abusive to her and the DC, they were impacted by his taking the car keys too. The only way she'll reach this point is by having self worth, this is what you can give her. Be there for her, listen, be supportive and kind, not overbearing, be patient but repeat the message that he's not right. Repeat the message that her DC are learning how to treat people and how to be treated by his behaviour. Encourage her to do the freedom programme and help her see that she is worthy of more.

BUT, take it from someone who has been there, don't take responsibility for this, you're not to blame for this and you can't change this, ultimately only she can and she might never make that move.

I feel for you, I've been in your shoes and it's truly shit

[StrawberryTeaLeaf]

Let her see how shocked you are by his behaviour whilst also assuring her you won't say or do anything (unless on her say-so).

In an abusive relationship, one loses perspective - normalises or minimizes just how 'bad' something is.

So let her know how very un-okay car key confiscation seems to you.

Go gently but do ask her if she wants to leave the marriage.

Be prepared to be very patient. Tell her again and again and again that you love her, are worried but that she can trust your discretion and you will respect her wishes.

[PeppasNanna]

zzzzz i sadly suspect your right.

I would have her but it would be difficult. We literally live in parallel universes!

[PeppasNanna]

I dont know. I will look Womens Aid up & suggest she might approach them for advice.

[Supermanspants]

That builds a picture of OPs sisters OH in OPs mind that is coloured by OPs sister


The OP has already said she has had her suspicions for a long time.

[SteamPunkGoth]

Could she call woman's aid from work?

[PeppasNanna]

She barely uses the Internet but maybe when shes at work she could look at stuff. What should i suggest?

[PeppasNanna]

She barely uses the Internet but maybe when shes at work she could look at stuff. What should i suggest?

[SteamPunkGoth]

Well he is most definitely abusive.He is trying to isolate her.

[PeppasNanna]

Ive always thought my bil was a wanka but never told my sister as then hed have her all to himself...just what he wants.

When her dd was just a few weeks old he caused a massive row that split our family beyond repair. Then did it agsin when tbe second child was born. So she had no one except me. Im very limited to what i can do due to own family stuff. He thinks im a bit dippy & no threat to him.

My mum hasnt been to their house in about 7 years! My family can be very controlling so bless her shes gone from the frying pan to the fire!

[thornrose]

I wanted my sister to get me out of the situation and tell me everything would be OK.

Unfortunately I also wanted her to not get involved and stay the hell out of my life. It's so complicated.

What I'm trying to say is she has to be ready to leave and in the meantime all you can really do is let her know you're there for her.

[MajesticWhine]

She has been in this relationship for so long she probably has no idea that this is emotional and financial abuse. So the main thing you need to do is to educate her that it's not normal.

[SteamPunkGoth]

It's ok Supermanspants.

I was agog for a minute though ;-)

SeeYou, it will have taken her sister guts to even bring this up. There will be more to this. From the sister. Not the abusive husband.

[K1mberly]

Well it's not either/ or is it . Yes the sister has to want to leave , yes the Op can support her .

Are you trying to play devils advocate here, see you? Because it's not helpful.

[Supermanspants]

Sorry.... meant Seeyou

[Namechanger2015]

Would she consider doing The Freedom Programme? Perhaps online?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

It might help her to see her H is abusive?

[PeppasNanna]

Shes 40. Her only partner ever...

I dont know if ive described the shopping tbing propley but for example he had a card for ASDA with a couple hundred pounds saved on it. Another time it was Tesco. I dont really get it

[Seeyounearertime]

She can't help her sister, her sister needs to help herself.
What I'm saying is that OPs sister might use OP as a sounding board a shoulder to cry on etc.
That builds a picture of OPs sisters OH in OPs mind that is coloured by OPs sister.
Until OPs sister wants to leave, which she hasn't said, then there's not much OP can do.

[Supermanspants]

OP, Steam is suggesting you speak to her DH to get his side. Clearly you cannot possibly help your sister until you have both sides of the 'story'

Did you read the OP first post?
FFS

Have you ever been in an abusive r'ship Steam? I'm going to say no.

[PeppasNanna]

He buys all the shopping. All the shopping is paid on cards that are like gift cards (he does it through his job).

She has her own bank account but he controls all the money & manages all the money coming into the house. He has lots of money through his family & property.

He would say shes always late. He cant be late for work as he would be on a disciplinery, so he'd argue he needs to make her understand the impact of not being on time. I've heard him talk about her likevthst before.

[K1mberly]

I'm sure there is , see you . But I'm not sure how that applies to the OP, who is asking for advice about how she can help her sister .