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Relationships

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Original poster

Has having children ruined your relationship?

59 replies

mellowyellow1 · 01/10/2015 19:04

Just that really. I know this has probably been asked a thousand times. Been with my OH for 10 years and now I find myself pregnant and not even that excited about it to be honest.

I'm selfishly very afraid of how it will impact our relationship in a negative way. We've had years of it being just us 2 and now it will be all blown apart by this new life.

All I can think of are the negatives and that our relationship will never be the same now. Did anyone find it made their relationship better in the end?

OP posts:

SexNamesRFab · 01/10/2015 19:10

No way - we like to think we're United against a common enemy

kiwiquest · 01/10/2015 19:45

I'd say having DD has made our relationship better. We learnt to work even better as a team and communicate better, I think he developed a new level of respect for me dealing with pregnancy/birth/newborn and I adore the softer side of him which comes out when he's with DD.
I also have someone else in the world I love as much as DH, my DD is awesome and can't imagine life without her.
That said babies are bloody hard work. Nothing pushes you to the brink like sleep deprivation and a screaming child. We were rock solid and really wanted DD but still had our moments where we were like what the hell have we done, oh my god I hate you (episiotomy stitches got infected in my defence made me very cranky)!!
Best advice make life easy on yourself, don't row about chores get a cleaner, live off ready meals for a while. Get some me time even if it's just a bath for you and he pootles around in the garage. Tell each other you love each other every day just saying it kinda helps when everything is a blur of nappies and sick. Good luck

ForChina · 01/10/2015 20:51

Not ruined, but I do think having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a relationship.

I would never, ever change it though. The love you have for your kids is... something else.

Original poster

mellowyellow1 · 01/10/2015 23:10

Thanks for replies. I don't mind a messy house to be honest and living on toast for a while won't bother me. Maybe will be okay after all.

OP posts:

Squishyeyeballs · 01/10/2015 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oly5 · 01/10/2015 23:31

Having children is wonderful.. Especially once you get past that first year! It's made out relationship better... I agree that one of the best things is having another person who loves your kids as much as you do. Such a joy. And time off alone seems even more special than befofe

Neddyteddy · 02/10/2015 00:08

Having kids is amazing! A hard slog but the rewards are huge. Having kids tests a relationships or sure. It's also a wonderful shared journey which it's changed me as a person. I'm more in touch with deeper feelings of love, more compassionate, less selfish

Neddyteddy · 02/10/2015 00:11

We laugh together at/with our kids and also deeply treasure our kids together

Friendlystories · 02/10/2015 00:31

Your relationship won't be the same no, but change can be positive as well as negative and having a child together is just as likely to strengthen a relationship as weaken it. Watching my DH with our DD still makes my heart melt (she's 6) and being a family instead of a couple can be amazing. Do you think maybe you have a touch of pregnancy cold feet? I went through something similar, it's scary thinking of how much will change in your lives and that's totally normal and natural. I found it helped to focus on what we would gain by being a family not what we'd lose if you see what I mean and I can't say I've ever really missed the things I thought I would. If it's really getting to you maybe try a bit of diy psychology, every time you catch yourself having a negative thought about how things will change when the baby is here purposely think of something you're looking forward to about being parents instead, might just lift your mood so the negative stuff doesn't overwhelm you. In all likelihood all those worries will disappear the second your baby is in your arms but don't be afraid to talk to someone if you're finding things difficult xxx

tigermoll · 02/10/2015 07:27

You don't have to talk yourself into continuing with the pregnancy if you don't want to. Many people find parenthood "tough but ultimately rewarding enough to justify the hard bits " but there is a huge taboo in our society against saying that, given your time again, you would choose NOT to have children. There are more people than you think who, despite loving their children very much, would have chosen differently I'd they'd known then what they know now.
Please don't become a parent if you'd really rather not. It will have a huge impact on your relationship (and on your body, career, finances, psyche and basically entire life) and it is not compulsory. You aren't a bad, selfish or immature person if you decide you just want it to be you and your partner for the rest of your life

TheVeryHungryPreggo · 02/10/2015 08:28

I got pregnant when DH and I had been together 10 years, so I understand that apprehension about how a baby would change our relationship.

The thing that suffered most was our sex life tbh. We went from 3x a week to once a week. Just from lack of time. Bedtime takes up so much of the night, then there are chores, then you get an hour maybe of leisure time to read/watch something/have sex. It's either or. I also notice the lack of affection from DH. He used to be very physically affectionate, he was always a cuddler/handholder/kisser and now he doesn't really touch me much. I have to ask for it. But he is extremely physical when playing with DS who loves to climb all over him and he puts a lot of time and effort into playing with his son, so I think he's probably just a bit touched out by the time DS is finally asleep. The last time we had a child free night DH was very cuddly with me again. I'm hanging in there, the kids won't always be like this and hopefully we will still remember who we were by that time. I try and send him cheeky texts in the day etc and tell him he's hot and everything. Because he is. I want him to know I haven't forgotten about us while being parents.

On the other hand, our teamwork is great and we are good at backing each other up and if one is doing something tricky like bedtime gone bad (DS does not want to go to sleep ever), the other one will wordlessly do backup tasks (getting milk ready, putting toothpaste on brush, finding favourite storybooks, helping with nappies) to try and make it as easy as possible.

DH was the one who wanted children more than me. I had them for him. He knows this and doesn't leave me with the whole burden unlike too many other men I know.

FunkyPeacock · 02/10/2015 08:30

I would say we have lost our closeness since having the DC and our relationship has definitely changed .....perhaps this would have happened anyway, who knows

winchester1 · 02/10/2015 08:35

Defiantly less sex and closeness in general as you are trying to fit so much more in to the little free time you have. But I'm hopeful this will continue improving as they get older and can play together and help around the house more.

megandmogatthezoo · 02/10/2015 08:57

Having children has changed my DH from a rather self centred selfish man to the kindest most generous person. With the benefit of hindsight I'd say children were what was missing from his life before and he was struggling internally dealing with that.

Whether or not becoming a parent improves your relationship depends on you and your DH, your wants, goals, and desires out of life. You'll love your child like you've never loved anyone before though. It's biology, the bond you feel is amazing.

happyending14 · 02/10/2015 09:02

I could never understand how a couple could split up after they had brought children into the world...until I had children myself.

In my case, I loved being a parent. For exh, he didn't want to adjust his lifestyle in any way and he was a very selfish unengaged parent.

I do think we would have stayed together quite happily if we had not had children.

helloelo · 02/10/2015 09:10

Having a baby definitely made us better together. We're a team, we share, we have different roles but equal responsibilities and we admire the way the other deals with the situation we struggle with. We have to plan time together though and we have less sex but that's temporary and it makes it special. It's a make or break situation though.

Original poster

mellowyellow1 · 02/10/2015 09:58

I guess you don't know how you'll react until you have them, and by that time it's too late. Scary stuff.

I'm normally the type of person who doesn't know what I want until it's there in-front of me. Having children is the biggest risk take in the world I think, I'm amazed that so many people do it. Maybe they just don't over-think things like me!

OP posts:

thehypocritesoaf · 02/10/2015 10:03

Not at all. We have much more in common now!

That first year is very hard though. Especially if you have a non-sleeping baby.

Sighing · 02/10/2015 10:13

It ruined my relationship with a selfish and EA git who resented that children needed (any of) my emotional time. (Thank goodness)
OK my husband now has only ever known life with my children. But we're a team (and to have a baby together).
It's all about how you relate to each other. Sometimes it's hard work, but that is life. I think it's harder when you stop noticing the good bits.

Tearsoffrustration · 02/10/2015 10:19

I was also with my ex for 10 years before having our DS - it split us up because he was unable to support me emotionally- it had always been me supporting him before.

I read somewhere that if you want to be content don't have children - if you want to feel extreme and extreme lows then do & I totally agree with this.

Squashybanana · 02/10/2015 10:36

I was also with DH a long time before kids - 12 years. We have 4 kids, so I guess we connected a bit after the eldest was born! However, the early years were HARD and it is easy to build resentments over who is doing what and who has done more if you are not careful. We also have one with autism and there were times before we knew when DH used to get so angry with our child for being 'stubborn' or 'babyish' and our relationship did hit rock bottom for a while. I can think of 3 occasions when I asked a question which if the 'wrong' answer had been given I would have had to leave. However, our youngest is now 5 and we have more time back, and things are more or less back to where they were before, but better, because we have made a family. Be kind to each other and try not to keep score would be my advice!

Kaekae · 02/10/2015 10:45

I was also with DH a long time before having children about 10 years and I agree with squashybanana - the resentment of who is doing more did come into for us. It doesn't help that my DH is a workaholic so I felt like his life didn't change much where as my life did. We do more family stuff but never just stuff on own with each other which I think is unhealthy but we just do not have anyone to look after the children.

Duckdeamon · 02/10/2015 10:54

It certainly makes some things harder. And worsen any problems that were already there.

There is a lot you can discuss beforehand, eg will you both continue to work? Both get up in the night? Share the childcare, money, domestic work and leisure time fairly? If you're not married and not planning that it'd be sensible to sort out legal and financial stuff and keep your job.

Unless you have local family support for free and willing babysitting one hard thing can be not being able to go out together very much without finding someone you're happy to leave the DC with and spending a lot!

Boredofthinkingofnewnames · 02/10/2015 10:55

My biggest piecce of advice would be to discuss your approach to parenting before the child arrives. DH and I never did and it is becoming more and more apparent that we havy wildly different opinions on how to parent our children.

Duckdeamon · 02/10/2015 10:59

As kaekae says, some men dont "play fair" after DC in terms of making changes to their working and/or social lives (if their partners want or need this of course).

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