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Original poster

Has having children ruined your relationship?

59 replies

mellowyellow1 · 01/10/2015 19:04

Just that really. I know this has probably been asked a thousand times. Been with my OH for 10 years and now I find myself pregnant and not even that excited about it to be honest.

I'm selfishly very afraid of how it will impact our relationship in a negative way. We've had years of it being just us 2 and now it will be all blown apart by this new life.

All I can think of are the negatives and that our relationship will never be the same now. Did anyone find it made their relationship better in the end?

OP posts:
Original poster
mellowyellow1 · 02/10/2015 12:04

My partner doesn't have much a social life anyway! I don't mind poo and sick and partner doesn't mind lack of sleep so maybe we can survive it!

OP posts:
molyholy · 02/10/2015 12:09

Good advice from PP saying discuss how you are going to parent together. It has made our relationship better. We made our DD, she is us. We are an extremely happy gang of 3. Tears, laughter - wouldn't be without her, or my DH.

lorelei9 · 02/10/2015 12:11

um...the negativity in your post is quite overwhelming. I take it this was an accident?

I know lots of people who found their partnerships better post kids, but they were planned kids.

Liomsa · 02/10/2015 12:19

It is a risk, OP, and when I was about to have my first and only child at 40, having been with DP since we were teenagers, I was amazed at how other people seemed to find it a natural, rather than a hugely risky, thing to do. And yes, it felt initially very odd that there were now three of us, after 20 years of two, but after a while it became fabulous.

In my experience, what ruins relationships after the birth of a child is inequality in the distributing of childcare and child-related chores and duties - usually a man not making many changes in his lifestyle, and a woman finding herself overwhelmed by the expectation that she do everything for the child. The good news is that you can largely mitigate this by talking about it in advance. How are you distributing the parental leave? What happens when you are both back at work? Who does childminder/nursery drop-offs? What exactly happens if your child is ill and can't go to childcare? Etc etc.

Lindy2 · 02/10/2015 12:28

It changes a relationship and there are times when things are difficult. However, there are also many things that make it all worthwhile and wonderful and it can often strengthen a relationship. Everyone is different and personally I think flexibility is vital to be able to adjust according to what is needed at each stage of family life.
I know of 2 marriages that have failed because of not having children together but none that have because of having had children.

Mintyy · 02/10/2015 12:33

Yes, you sound extremely unsure. If you are definitely continuing with the pregnancy then perhaps try and find some positivity in it? How does your partner feel?

Lottapianos · 02/10/2015 12:34

I agree with every word that tigermoll wrote. OP, seriously, you do not have to go through with this if you don't want to. Parenting is not for everybody, its really not, and there's nothing at all wrong with deciding that its not for you. It's a lifetime of responsibility and you will need to step up and commit to it fully if you decide to go for it, no half measures.

I would also suggest very kindly that you try to look for support in other places too. The vast majority of people on here are parents so will struggle to give you an unbiased view of parenthood.

Sodder · 02/10/2015 12:51

Non parent but married here.

My parents didn't want children but I arrived anyway and I ruined their relationship. I was resented and never felt particularly loved. My mother didn't enjoy motherhood at all and as a consequence had three abortions after I was born. I'm only alive because I was the first. It was a long time ago but I cost my mother her social life, job and happiness. My father changed little (ho hum.)

I'm telling you this because there is nothing worse for a child than feeling unloved and burden to its parents. If you don't want a baby, then don't have one.

I doubt I'll have children. I'm in the same mould as my mother and I'd hate to ruin a child's life by not wanting it wholeheartedly.

MissMarpleCat · 02/10/2015 12:53

Less sex, less money and more stress, but love them to bits, as will you Smile

Original poster
mellowyellow1 · 02/10/2015 13:15

Sorry to hear that Sodder that must have been hard growing up.

It's helpful to hear everyone's perspective, I know there isn't one set answer as everyone's experience is different.

OP posts:
Hillfarmer · 02/10/2015 13:26

Good advice to talk about your approach to parenting with your partner beforehand. You don't say much about him. A lot of this hinges on your partner. Is he enthusiastic about having a child? I would say you both have to be sure you can be a team together. You have to be able to be able to support each other in the tough bits. Everyone bickers, or finds the other person falling short sometimes... but if you can't ultimately be a team, then you're stuffed.

You need to be sure he will support your mothering. In the early days particularly (esp if you are breast feeding), his role will be looking after you, looking after the baby.

When asked by a dad-to-be what was the best thing he could do for his children as a father, some famous psychologist (someone might know where this comes from?) said simply, 'Love their mother'. I couldn't agree more.

I don't say this from a position of smug success. The opposite happened to me when I became a mother. My H decided to start hating me instead. This is not entirely uncommon. Abuse can often start during pregnancy or just after birth. Don't want to frighten you at all. But it is sensible to be aware.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 02/10/2015 13:40

I was an unplanned baby and my parents first child. My parents hadn't been married long, my Mum was only 23, they were not prepared financially (very poor) and my Mum was totally freaked out. But, she didn't believe abortion was an option, so she went ahead. She worried the whole pregnancy about how she would feel about me, as she was not the maternal type. She says within a minute of me being placed in her arms, all negative thoughts disappeared and she would have killed for me. She has been a wonderful Mum! And I always felt loved. We are still the best of friends and she is an awesome Nanna now! After they had me, they got pregnant again and discovered that they both carried a defective gene...a few dead babies and miscarriages followed before finally a healthy baby was born 5 years later. They had no idea when I was born, just how lucky they had been. So, to sum up, I would say, just go with the flow ....once baby is born you'll be fine.....and feel grateful for this wonderful gift.

whattheseithakasmean · 02/10/2015 13:48

You have to see marriage over the long haul - short term, the baby & toddler years can be tricky, but they are brief in the context of a life long marriage.

Our oldest has just left for Uni & it really feels like 18 years passed in the blink of an eye - we are united in our incredible pride & wobbly lipped missing her. But the first year of her life was the closest we have ever come to splitting - thank god we didn't as we are rock solid now & both adore her.

Marriage is a roller coaster & children are definitely a serious loop the loop, but in my experience you come out of the spin clinging to each other going, wow, that was intense - what next?

Lottapianos · 02/10/2015 14:00

That's really sad Sodder. My mother resented being trapped with me, my siblings and my dad too - she has told me that if she had her time again, she would not have had children. That was a weird thing to hear your mother say and not exactly pleasant.

Not everyone does 'fall in love' with their baby and its important that stories like yours and mine are out there

Original poster
mellowyellow1 · 02/10/2015 14:06

Lotta that is sad that your mother told you that too. It's true though it's important to hear both sides.

Sorry I should add my OH is very supportive and would continue to be supportive I've no doubt about that.

OP posts:
Sodder · 02/10/2015 14:13

Lottapianos Some people just aren't cut out for parenthood.

mellowyellow1 does your partner know that you're pregnant? Is he happy or a bit wary like you are?

Lottapianos · 02/10/2015 14:50

Sodder, you're right. I'm not cut out for parenthood, and it sounds like you don't think you are either. That's fine. I've worked with loads of parents who gave every impression of not being cut out for it either!

I do get irritated by the 'oh I just love it all and you will too' sentiments on here. Parenthood is not a fairytale and should not be presented as such and you cannot possibly predict how someone else will feel about being a parent. It's the most intensely personal issue.

AnnaMarlowe · 02/10/2015 15:01

I adore my DH and I didn't think that I could love him any more. But he is an amazing, very hands on father, just wonderful with the children since day one.

Parenthood can be very, very hard. But we have found making our little family to be worth every difficult day.

We were together a long time before having our DC and were always a team. We just made the team a bit bigger and lots more fun.

harlowcar · 02/10/2015 20:40

I actually think having children stopped us from splitting up. We were both very career focussed and it would have been very easy to have continued our work centred lives and I suspect one of us may have found their head turned by someone else. However having out first DD really connected us again, introduced us to lots of new friends through NCT and then school. It grounded us in our community and changed our lives - but for the better. 2 more DC followed and life is bury but definitely better and we are very happy together.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 02/10/2015 20:45

Having DC didn't ruin our relationship.

However it did significantly change it ( prior to DC we were very ambitious in the work place, complete party animals and intrepid travellers).

We enjoyed the more quiet pace of life and were well prepared to prioritise DC. However, some friends and colleagues' marriages did not survive their DC and the change of pace.

Tyrannosaurus · 02/10/2015 20:47

Having DS felt like a grenade had gone off in the middle of our relationship. Initially I remember feeling really worried, that things had changed so much. By the time he was one though, things had settled into a new normal. I think our relationship is different to what it was pre DS, but no better or worse. We are still going strong 8 years on.

ButtonMoon88 · 02/10/2015 20:48

Similar boat for me, been with DP for 9 years, just had a baby. It's definitely changed our relationship, we aren't the care free go out for dinner every Friday night, have several bottles of wine and stumble home at last orders. But our baby was planned, and so we were ready to give these things up. Doesn't mean that we don't miss our pre baby days, and we still need to go out for meals, have a few bottles of wine, but we either do it separately or beg grandparents to come downstairs for the weekend.
I think we do argue more, but not about parenting, we are very much together on that, we just bicker about lots of things, but that's the lack of time together and intamacy. We are learning to make sure we don't take each other for granted. And now baby sleeps 8pm-6am without waking, we have time to talk and eat and cuddle and relax. It doesn't have to mean the end, but it does mean making changes

ButtonMoon88 · 02/10/2015 20:49

Not downstairs, our parents don't live in the loft or anything, just up north GrinWineWineWine

annandale · 02/10/2015 20:57

No, but we were only together 4 weeks when I became pregnant slapper desperate so that was that.

DH says he wishes we'd had more time together before having ds. He doesn't know that if we hadn't been actively ttc within a year I'd have been out of there.

Parenting at its best is a team project like no other and you feel a new kind of admiration and respect for your partner, as well as a closeness like whatthese says.

At its worst - well I think there are few parents who don't contemplate splitting at several hundred moments, especially during the first ten years two years.

Stitchosaurus · 02/10/2015 21:00

DS turns 4 soon and I'm still with DH but I always say it does amaze me that any couple survives small children! I had huge resentment during the first year, and poor DH actually did/still does loads. Our sex life is terrible now because I have no interest, after being jumped on all day by boisterous DS who wants to wrestle all the time. There's no energy left for DH.

But...we do occasionally get child free time when DS stays with grandparents and the old relationship comes back again - so I'm very hopeful we'll survive this! Sorry if that's a bit of a negative view. A big part of my struggle is that I think I can only put up with a certain amount of dealing with other people and I give it all to DS - so other people probably don't feel the same.

Good luck op, with whatever happens