Has having children ruined your relationship?

[mellowyellow1]

Just that really. I know this has probably been asked a thousand times. Been with my OH for 10 years and now I find myself pregnant and not even that excited about it to be honest.

I'm selfishly very afraid of how it will impact our relationship in a negative way. We've had years of it being just us 2 and now it will be all blown apart by this new life.

All I can think of are the negatives and that our relationship will never be the same now. Did anyone find it made their relationship better in the end?

No. More because DP already had two DC when we met, so all the constraints of DC were already there!

We went to a very big party on Wednesday where DP saw some old photos of me 17 years ago dressed up on stage. He was a bit put out by them. His past life was a lot more staid than mine

It destroyed my marriage and several of my friends' marriage. My DH couldn't cope with the not putting him first/lack of sex/lack of social life.
We are now separated, pending divorce after he had an affair.

I would say we were soul mates and best friends and it all went to shit after having kids.

Just the truth from my experience. Having kids is wonderful though!

I decided not to have children after seeing so many of my friend's resenting their DH's for not sharing the work after having children, and also losing their libidos. Some of my friends were simply looking for a sperm donor and when he had performed his duties, he became a hindrance. I feel quite sorry for them (the DH's, not my friends).

I've never been maternal and my clock has never ticked, so it wasn't a hard decision for me. The way I look at it is I love my life as it is and as I don't have the urge to procreate, it wouldn't be fair to bring a child into the world on either the child, me or my partner. I don't feel that I'm missing out, in fact I have to admit to feeling smug about the decisions I have made when I see how stressed out and guilty my friends seem to constantly be, when I am the happiest I've ever been in my life (I'm 41).

Apologies for the appalling punctuation in my post.

We've got a six month old - it's really interesting how many people have said that the first year or two or so are very hard and then things get better.

It is hard, for sure, as you go from being two people hanging out because you like each other to two people with a 24 hour a day job that contains poo and puke and physical pain (For the woman). But also, if you've married a good one, there is love sloshing about all over the place, thick, tangible, gooey love and it takes all that love you have for each other and actually manifests in a little squeaking love bundle that you've made from your bodies and it is just the most intense, emotional experience possible.

So yeah. I was very nervous about motherhood and definitely apprehensive about whether I'd be any good at it and whether I'd have regrets, but i was also very, very excited indeed, to meet this little person. Good luck OP x

Ruined mine.

Yes. So go in with open eyes. Say it will be hard and work out how to combat that. I think having kids ruined my relationship with former DH. One of my two is SN and we pulled apart instead of together. We now -2 years from split - get on well do family days for children and are there for each other when it comes to kids. We can say openly now we ignored all the problems we had swept under carpet so when I finally snapped I thought it couldn't be fixed. Turns out now a bit of communication and addressing things at source would have sorted us. I don't think we'd have been happiest couple in world but we may have been average.

I found that mums could be competitive and that I couldn't say how bloody hard I found life with baby, felt house should be my domain if on maternity leave when it hadn't been before - I'm still crap at cooking. I felt everyone had great time with baby were able to do loads with baby and husbands were all doing DIY and pulling weight. Thought it was just me who found the grind and grudge really hard going. Only when split with husband did I find friends saying how they'd had really hard times found. Life gruelling juggling work etc. But stupidly I didnt talk to them before split or when I found things hard or to former DH.

This is the negative. I now look back and wonder why I made choices I do - trying to show how I could do it all instead of asking for help support and advice and talking more to friends. I'm still a bit like that now.

Positive. You're about to fall in love all over again. Nothing will prepare you for the love you will have for your child and if you can cope with all the hard stuff that comes with it and work as a team you may just wonder why you didn't do it sooner and how much your life is enhanced by having another member of the family. The joy that comes does outweigh the crap. You might not see that on a hard day when a kid isn't sleeping but you will next day when you get an I love you or a big grin - or the crappy artwork that comes home which is truly terrible but they are so proud of and you'll put up proudly on fridge for them.

Here's my advice -
Sort out finances at start. It's hard being independent and then suddenly having less money and having to pool more. Do that now
Ignore the house. Do the basics to keep it going. Get a cleaner if you can afford it
When baby comes only let people come round when you feel like it. My mother was awful for popping in to see baby after her work but did bugger all to help me. Get people,to text if they want to come over and then you can switch off phone and ignore.
Sleep when you can. The one thing I didn't do with DS though his SN meant it was harder and so I tried really hard to with DD. I worked out when I naturally felt dosy and napped if I could
Do stuff as famiky but importantly try and do separate stuff with baby to give each other a break eg every sat morning get your partner to take baby out and let you sleep. And when older take evenings to do something. You want eg cinema or friends or activity. And give your partner chance to do that too. I think we always thought it took two of us but one night a week would be worked.
Do online shopping. All the time. For everything!
TALK. If something bugging you say it. If you want something or need something done ask. Nicely! I've found that men are clueless and genuinely can't see what's under their noses but if you say can you clean up x or do shopping or whatever they can be amenable. I'm still working on doing that with my mother!
Talk from start about how you will raise baby and how you will parent.
When baby can be left then use the offers of babysitting to still have time to yourselves. 3 hours babysitting can mean a cinema trip or meal out.
Do date night with takeaway and DVD on Saturdays or whatever
And most importantly start getting excited. use this time to plan as a couple about next fabulous step in journey together.
And congratulate yourself on recognising there is a big change ahead and that you're planning for. but maybe look at how it will be a positive one.
And remember there are always people on MN to help and advise and support.

It made our relationship better. If I ever doubted how much he loved me, I couldn't anymore when I was pregnant. He did everything for me, everything in the house, and was just amazing. (I had bad sickness and really bad spd). He's also an equal when it comes to parenting and looking after the kids. Yes we have fought a lot, partly due to lack of sleep and me being a perfectionist whilst he just "wings it" and has disasters as a result, but it's normal I think.

I think having kids will make a good relationship better and a bad one worse.