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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Please help - urgent help needed re leaving abusive husband and how to handle it best for the dc

73 replies

Shambambolista · 11/09/2015 19:02

Sorry posting for traffic

I absolutely have to leave. Tonight he has called me a number of names been v aggressive, thrown my possessions around etc. Nothing new. I have to go, I know that.

I am looking for a rental in our area that I could afford to pay for.

I broached it with ds 5 how would he feel if we didn't live with daddy and he said good. Then he got upset when I said we would need to leave our house, me him and his little sister. He wants to stay. I explained that I would need to leave and he would come with me and visit his dad whenever he wanted. I'm not sure I did the right thing. Please help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shambambolista · 11/09/2015 19:04

I don't want to go to a wr, I just need to get a rental and move out- it will be safe for me to stay I think, going on past behaviour he doesn't physically abuse me too badly. I'm looking and got viewings tomorrow.

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Adarajames · 11/09/2015 19:09

Well done for making such a hard decision, you and your kids will be better off in the long run, even if initial changes ar scary / upsetting.

You don't necessarily have to leave the house, you could have him removed and an order that stops him coming back, although it depends a lot of whether there is a record of his behaviour towards you with police / GP etc. Teally your best and first thing to do is contact women's aid, they'll be able to help you with all the information and many of the practicalities needed right now.
You may wish to ask MNHQ to move this to relationships board, lots of very lovely and knowlegable women there who'll know more than me and be able to help better

sliceofsoup · 11/09/2015 19:12

he doesn't physically abuse me too badly.

What does too badly mean? Does he physically abuse you at all?

What is the situation re the house? Rented/owned? In whose name?

I think that you need to stop discussing this with your 5 year old completely. You are putting him in a position he shouldn't be in, because this isn't his decision.

You need to make the plan to leave, you are the parent, and you are doing what is best for your DCs. Please do not use them as an emotional crutch during this.

When you have the plan, then you say "this is what is happening, mummy and daddy both still love you" and if you have to move house you big up the positives rather than giving him a choice.

MNetters can help you with plans, and we can be here emotionally for you too.

What RL support do you have?

Bearbehind · 11/09/2015 19:14

I don't pretend to be able to advise on this but I do know discussing this with a 5 year old before you've made firm plans is a bad idea.

As adara suggested- get advice in relationships, make a plan and stick to it.

GloGirl · 11/09/2015 19:15

Can you phone the police and say you feel threatened? They will have contact details for people in your area who can help you urgently Flowers

101 will take you through to your local police

BertieBotts · 11/09/2015 19:20

Y to Relationships.

My DS was upset at nearly five when we moved house, all of us together. So I think that is normal. You just big up the new house and promise he can decorate his new room, etc. The fact he is saying he wants to not live with Daddy is pretty clear.

Adara is right that another option is to obtain an order which prevents him from returning to your house. If the house is in joint names or your name only, you could look into this.

I am slightly concerned that you are going to be doing all of this obvious planning to leave while still living with him. Abusive men are known to step up their level of violence when they know you are leaving, and violence towards inanimate items (throwing stuff) is one step below violence towards people. So you're actually in more danger than you might realise, would it be possible if you don't want to leave yourself for DC to stay with a friend or relative for a few days? It might not be possible to find a rental place immediately. Alternatively if you needed refuge accommodation for a short time while you look for somewhere to rent WA can sort that out for you, they don't only help people who have no means. Do you have the money for a deposit and first months' rent?

You are doing the right thing Flowers Just stay as safe as you can while you do it.

Original poster
Shambambolista · 11/09/2015 19:25

I feel terrible I thought giving him warning was a good idea. Agree it is not. I am scared of him but I don't feel I can call the police- also couldn't afford the rent here, I work part time and could cover the rent with hb support on somewhere else. Both names on tenancy but it's due up in March and have discussed that he wants to stay here.
If I don't talk to him, he doesn't get angry, but if I do he gets angry very quickly. Tonight the name calling was vicious and prolonged, and whispered as he didn't want dc to hear him. Then threw my handbag out side. I can't stop shaking. Sorry. Tearful. I don't want to reach out in rl in case of upsetting friends family with how awful it is.

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Original poster
Shambambolista · 11/09/2015 19:26

I'll vet this moved to relationships

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Original poster
Shambambolista · 11/09/2015 19:28

I have a lump sum payment for work I've done which will cover deposit/ first month

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Original poster
Shambambolista · 11/09/2015 19:31

I just want as much stability as poss for the DC- upping and going somewhere first like wr would be too hard for me I think. Just getting s rental, moving in, within about 4 weeks looks reasonable, I think it's doable.

I'm actually a nice person- lots of friends, work in a good job, work hard inside and outside the home, give everything I can to the kids, try to be good friend and relative- I just do not understand why he is so cruel to me. Its just horrendous.

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Original poster
Shambambolista · 11/09/2015 19:33

Sorry can't stop crying now. Its as though all my worst nightmares of how a man can be have slowly become true and I feel so terriblely to blame, so guilty so ashamed

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MNHQ
IonaMumsnet · 11/09/2015 19:34

We're going to move this thread over to Relationships now, OP. We're sure you'll get lots more brilliant advice and support over there. All our best wishes for the first step in your new life.

GloGirl · 11/09/2015 19:47

I know you feel like it's not important enough for the police but can you please take my word for it that it is?

I'm not saying you have to phone them, but they will care about you and your son and want you feeling secure

Original poster
Shambambolista · 11/09/2015 19:52

I just don't think it is.... Why would they care that a man is calling his wife birch scum and throwing her handbag around? I couldn't bear to have the kerfuffle of them coming, dh telling them how awful I am- I said 'shut up' in response to nagging comments about why the baby wasn't wearing a bib- and them telling me not to cause a fuss. Which is what happened on the one occasion I called them before about 5 years ago. What good would it do?

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Original poster
Shambambolista · 11/09/2015 19:53

I just need to leave and leave quickly.

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Skiptonlass · 11/09/2015 19:56

I think four weeks is too long. You need to be out of the way with your kids. As other say above, violence often escalates when a woman makes moves to leave, don't take the chance.

Reach out to your family and any good friends too. Do not think for a moment you're imposing on them. I would be horrified and absolutely willing to drop everything and help of this happened to a family member or a friend. Yes I'd be upset, but FOR you, not at you!

Chairmanofthebored · 11/09/2015 19:56

Op I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. It must be unbelievable upsetting. I don't really have much advice other than to say please keep yourself safe and try to get out soon. Can you ring the council to see if there is a way if getting priority housing?
I know its a big step to tell people in RL but I think you will glad of the practical and emotional support. Also once you've told someone in RL I think you will be more likely to follow through with leaving.
None of this is your fault, you've tried to keep your family together but there comes a point when you have to put your safety and happiness first.

Skiptonlass · 11/09/2015 19:58

Please call 101 as well (or 999 if you or your children are in immediate danger.)

they will care, and they will help. You should not have to put up with this. He is at fault here, it's not you, it's not your fault.

GloGirl · 11/09/2015 20:06

I think even in the last 5 years the police have improved their handling of DV cases.

If you don't feel safe, if you feel threatened by him and you want to make a change and live without him - phone 101 xx

Original poster
Shambambolista · 11/09/2015 20:07

I don't feel I can impose on anyone really

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Original poster
Shambambolista · 11/09/2015 20:08

Thanks for amazing posts x

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CluckingBelle · 11/09/2015 20:20

I went into refuge with my three when they were 8, 3 and 1. They viewed it as a big adventure. Someone said something to me at the time which stayed with me. "YOU are their home. Wherever you are, they are safe, secure, loved and cared for. Wherever YOU are will become home". She was right. It was't easy We stayed in refuge for 4 months and then moved again to a rented home in a new town. There were a new school and nursery to get used to. New furniture and appliances in our house. Nobody we knew. But d'ya know what, it became home. A home we know and love, and are settled in. And it's not been that hard for it become so, the hardest part was the first step.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

CluckingBelle · 11/09/2015 20:24

Your hun and is emotionally and physically abusive. Call Women's Aid, they will take you seriously.

CluckingBelle · 11/09/2015 20:24

Husband, not hun and.

99percentchocolate · 11/09/2015 20:26

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree that 4 weeks is too long, if you are looking at properties I would ask leggings agents what us available now and that you are ready to move in immediately. If you already have deposit and can quickly provide references then it may go faster. I would line up a guarantor too so that you can provide this quickly. Some may be fussy with housing benefit (sorry, I don't want you to be surprised), but a guarantor name would smooth this over.
Do you have RL support? I think that it may be a good idea to bring somebody in just so that you have a hand to hold, someone to watch the kids if needed.
Sending you a hand to hold.

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